Hello Sri Lanka

I am writing this on the island of Sri Lanka, formerly known as Ceylon, the land of lush tea plantations, Dutch forts and untouched tropical beaches. And, yes, I am aware that there's a civil war going on. I have read the travel warnings about visiting the country. A day after I arrived there was a bomb down the road in the capital, Colombo and there are roadblocks everywhere. But it's still reasonably safe for visitors. The Sri Lankan government and the Tamil Tigers have been battling away for more than two decades, so it hardly makes sense to delay a trip to the country because of civil unrest.

For those who know South Africa, Sri Lanka reminds me of the KwaZulu Natal North Coast: not Umhlanga with its luxury holiday homes and genteel society, but more like Tongaat and Stanger. It's bustling and busy and hot and humid.

The tourist industry has suffered as a result of the violence (and the tsunami three years ago), but it still lures adventurous holidaymakers and those who prefer an un-packaged destination. And, believe it or not, I find this one of the most peaceful places on earth. It's my second visit to this lovely country and both times I have been overcome by a feeling of total calm and inner peace. I know it sounds almost mystical, but there is something about Sri Lanka that touches me deep down in my soul.

A guide book I read described Sri Lanka is a gentler, kinder version of India. Well, I have never been to India, but this is enough of an assault on the senses. There's not much prettiness around. Buildings are ramshackle, the cars battle and wheeze their way down clogged roads and the smells and signs of poverty are everywhere. But, despite it all, it is all rather charming in a faded colonial sort of way. And I feel totally at home.

Once again, I am staying in a magnificent guesthouse in Negombo, which is an extraordinary refuge from the streets outside. Behind high walls lies a world of five-star service and stunning design. From the airconditioned comfort of my bedroom I look out over a shimmering swimming pool, with palm trees and a hammock gently swaying in the wind.

Each day I set off for a stroll down to the beach. As I tramp along the sandy road, I pass houses in various states of disrepair, tiny shops packed with cheap trinkets and an open-air snooker hall, where everyone stops playing to say hello. It's that kind of place. The restaurants on the main road may look rundown and even grotty at times, but everyone is friendly, the prices are dirt cheap and the fare surprisingly delicious.

My favourite spot is Le Dolce Vita, which is a rather grand name for a 'pastry and tea' shop attached to a one-star boarding house. But the owner is a friendly chap, the food fresh and tasty and the view of the beach is great. The park at the end of the beach is where one finds all the action. With very few tourists, most of the swimmers are Sri Lankan and the facilities cater for them. A steam train (made entirely from old coke cans) provides children's rides on a small circular track, a pony stands idle awaiting customers and a rickety old pick-up advertises Elephant - Sri Lanka's Finest Ice Cream. I have a cone (well, two) for only 10 rupees and am finally coerced by a disabled vendor into buying a silver necklace for 500, that's five dollars.

There's little to do at night, so I tend to head for bed early and get a long night's rest. In the morning I know there's a slap-up breakfast waiting for me: a cup of the finest Ceylon tea, bacon and eggs, a basket of toast and a platter of freshly cut fruit. What a way to start the day.

Good morning, lovely Sri Lanka.





Fried Chicken with Herpes

I celebrated my 49th birthday in Krabi with my friend But and his family. At the last minute, I had an extra companion for the trip. Fred Hagemann from Johannesburg had mixed up his flight details - and ended up with an extra day's holiday! So he came along for the ride and then left on his flight to South Africa via Singapore the next day.

Krabi is situated on the mainland of Thailand, across the bay from Phuket. Although it's not too far by boat or as the crow flies, it takes about 2-3 hours by road. We rolled into town in my pick-up and checked into the City Hotel in Krabi Town. We usually stay in Ao Nang, which is a holiday resort about 15kms from Krabi Town. While Ao Nang is very touristy, with hundreds of resorts, restaurants and bars, Krabi Town is a rather sleepy provincial town only frequented by Thai families and backpackers, lured by the low rates.

At this time of the year Ao Nang is horribly overpriced, as the Scandanavians and Germans swarm in. The resort where I usually stay for 1000 baht a night costs 3800 baht over this period. A good hotel will cost around 200 US dollars right now. In contrast, the neat and friendly City Hotel will only set you back 750 or 900 baht, really good value. And as it is located opposite the night market and only a half-block from river promenade, it's right in the centre of all the action there is.

I loved it. Most of the action takes place on the pavement outside the hotel. Sitting on the steps of the 7-Eleven store next to the entrance one can spend hours watching the locals come and go. Two shops down is a 24-hour liquor store, used by all the karoake bars and pubs to stock up as the night progresses. Everyone is very friendly and the market across the road has everything you could possibly need in terms of food, drink and cheap clothing. And all of this comes at incredibly low 'local' prices.

That night we went to dinner at a Thai restaurant on the outskirts of the town. What an amazing place. We sat outside in a garden setting, with fountains, bridges and palm trees. Checking out the menu, we came across an amazing dish - fried chicken with herpes! Fred and I were hysterical, finally deciding that the herpes meant herbs.

One often finds funny translations on English signs in Thailand. However, my favourite one represents a misunderstanding more than a mistake. Someone obviously had the idea to take advantage of the trend towards everything eco-friendly with their brand of bottled water. However, the name they chose, GREEN WATER, failed to boost sales.

While we were there, Fred and I did our "eco-friendly" bit with a boat ride down the river which runs through Krabi. It is flanked by a huge mangrove forest and with huge limestone cliffs surrounding the town, is a spectacular sight. However, at one point he took us into the forest, where we were surrounded by trees. Suddenly we noticed the monkeys - hundreds of them, with the most evil looks on their faces. The boatmen threw out a few bananas for them to squabble over, but they never stopped staring at us with the fiercest-looking eyes and twitching mouths. It was a terrifying sight and I was most relieved to leave them behind.

So, it was "Happy Birthday to Peter" in lovely Krabi. Next year I will be 50 - so you can expect a big, big party.... I am busy planning. Watch this space.

Love on an elephant

If you think Valentine's Day is a western tradition, you haven't checked out Thailand. Oh, yes, February 14 is big, big business in this corner of south-east Asia. Every possible trinket and fluffy toy symbolising love goes on sale as the Thai people rush to profess their love. Pop into a 7-Eleven store for a packet of ice and you're bound to leave with a little bear in a glass jar covered in flashing hearts. Or a bottle of Chivas Regal packaged in a neon pink box with two glasses engraved with a kissing couple.

Nothing is too kitsch. Millions and millions of pink and white balloons will be strung up across the entrances to bars and restaurants. Little teddy bears will adorn key rings, motor-bikes and dressing tables, silk flowers will be on sale everywhere (they last longer) and the amount of red ribbon used on the day would easily be enough to tie a bow around the globe.

And for those ready to tie the knot, this is the day of choice. All the marriage licensing offices get into the act, with special certificates and momentoes handed out to the blushing newlyweds, who will have queued for hours.

So, it shouldn't surprise one that the tourist authorities have jumped onto the bandwagon. The big tourist centres like Bangkok, Phuket and Chiang Mai will be swamped with giggling couples and their credit cards, but the more 'out of the way' places are bidding for their slice of the pie.

Take the Surin province. Its only claim to fame is an abundance of elephants. That's no problem - who could resist the opportunity to take their marriage vows while seated on a swaying jumbo? Can you imagine it? For one, there's the indignity of trying to scramble aboard in wedding regalia - and then there's always the chance that the tusker could let rip with some noisy and smelly activities at the crucial moment. I know the elephant handlers are skilled, but can they explain to the ellie that it should stand still for 20 minutes or so and resist the temptation to let nature takes its course? And what if it decides that this is the moment to rub itself up against the nearest tree trunk?

But there will be many takers. As long as the happy couple can emerge with a pretty photograph or two, it will have been worth all the farting and fuss.

If you really want excitement, head for the province of Trang, which is in the southern part of Thailand. Here you can tie the knot underwater. And, unbelievably, its very, very popular. The authorities have to restrict the number of wet-suited lovers ready to say their vows through muffled mouthpieces and bubbles. The bride and groom have to be qualified divers, but less-skilled guests can resort to peering down from boats bobbing on the surface. Or they can snorkel above the ceremony for a birds' eye view.

It almost sounds romantic, but the chances of something going wrong is too high for my liking. Especially when one removes the mouthpieces for that first kiss. It would be very sad to end up having your honeymoon in a hyperbaric chamber!

No, I think it's far safer to do the conventional thing. I prefer my bubbles to come in a glass and my elephant to be fluffy pink and wrapped in cellophane. A sunset picnic on the beach sounds like a far better bet.

Sail away in style

'The real beauty of Phuket is in the sea around it,' an old expat told me when I first came to the island. And he was partly right. Phuket is beautiful in its own right, but the islands dotted around the Andaman Sea are truly breath-taking.

I have long dreamt of chartering my own boat for a few days and setting sail, stopping off in idyllic bays to snorkel and swim. The boat would be an old fashioned schooner, but fitted out with all the modcons. There would be huge, comfortable double bed, a fully-stocked bar with loads of ice and a barbecue grill on board.

I would have a crew to run the boat and serve me whatever my heart desired. Days would be spent relaxing on deck or exploring new coves and deserted beaches. Evenings would be for lying on the deck and staring at the stars or paddling ashore to hang out at a beach bar. What a life that would be!

Well, I have discovered that my dream is not beyond reach. While I was on the beach the other day I saw the boat of my dreams glide by. A suntanned couple standing in the bow of the boat waved at me with a smug smile on their faces. Lucky bastards, I thought. Luckily, I had the presence of mind to jot down the name of this extraordinary boat. The next day, back at work, I started finding out how I could lay my hands on it. As luck would have it, the boat can be chartered for trips around Phuket and beyond. It sleeps six people comfortably (with more on the deck) and, believe it or not, even has a 10-seater jacuzzi.

The boat is named the Merdeka. A traditional Indonesian Phinisi vessel, it has seven sails and a diesel-powered engine. It comes with a Thai captain and two crew members, plus an optional masseuse. There are two double cabins with aircon, two bunk beds and two bathrooms. A huge deck not only accommodates the jacuzzi, but also has loads of space to lie out under the sun or stars. What more could one want?


There's only one little problem. It's not that cheap. Not too expensive, mind you, but still an extravagance. Out of season (May-Nov), the boat costs 510 Euros per day (that's R5100) and in peak, peak season, that rises to 800 Euros per day (thats R8000). However, that does include the crew, all running costs and three meals a day with unlimited coffee, tea, water and soft drink. You bring along your own booze (by the case, I would guess!) and you are also provided with an inflatable dinghy and all snorkelling equipment.

I've planned my trip already. It will last four days and three nights, Day One will be spent in the Phang-Nga Bay area, Day Two along the coast of Krabi and Day Three checking out the Phi Phi Islands. On Day Four, I will sail back to Phuket, all tanned and relaxed and handsome. I am sure I can swing a discount, but the rough cost works out at around 100 Euros per person per day (that's R1000 a day). That's with five people on board. Anyone interested? Would be fun, wouldn't it?

The monk and the massage lady

Blackmail is not unknown in the Land of Smiles, but the startling case involving an 82 year-old monk has got the nation chattering away. This was no ordinary temple monk, but an abbot at Wat Sainoi in Nothaburi, the most revered temple official in the province. And, of course, the matter had something to do with sex.

According to the local papers, an official from the Department of Civil Aviation approached the abbot on 26 December. The abbot would have thought nothing of the polite wai (greeting) offered, as he is used to dealing with high-ranking politicians and government officials.


But the aviation commander wasn't there to seek a blessing or offer a donation to the temple. Rather, he had something to sell, a video casette disc (VCD). And, at four million baht (R900,000), it wasn't going cheap. The official claimed the VCD showed the abbot in the throes of passion with a middle-aged woman. As monks are forbidden for fornicating, this would make the tape rather valuable in the wrong hands.


The commander was quick to explain that he was not involved in taping the incident. Rather, he had come across someone selling the VCD in the town and, in a desire to protect the good name of the abbot, had bought it for four million baht.


Of course, he was now seeking to be recompensed by the temple.


After the abbot called the temple director to assist him with the negotiations, the aviator decided to lower his price to two million baht. Suspecting blackmail, the temple director decided, perhaps somewhat short-sightedly considering the material on the VCD, to call the local police station.

When the cops arrived, the aviator tried to escape in his car, but he was caught. After questioning, the police released him with the promise of more questioning later, but held onto the VCD as evidence.

Of course, the police have viewed the recording very carefully. And word is that it does indeed show the elderly monk having sex with a middle-aged woman in his room at the temple.
The 20-minute VCD apparently begins with the woman hiding the camera with a view of the bedding in the unsuspecting abbot’s room and then sitting waiting for the man to arrive. After a 10-minute massage, she removes her clothes and they have sex.

Police believe the woman's massage techniques were such that they suspect she is a professional and they are scouring local massage parlours to find her. They will be performing thorough searches, I am sure.

The aviator has been charged with blackmail and should appear in court soon. The monk is also likely to face disciplinary measures from the temple, as those who have watched the tape say that he did not appear to be drugged and was participating fully in the sex romp. At 82 years old, that's quite a feat.

No copies of the tape are yet available on the black market in Pattaya or around Patpong in Bangkok. I'll keep you posted.

Bars go silent

Thailand's nightlife has gone quiet in the peak of the holiday season following the death of a prominent member of the Thai Royal Family. A 15-day ban on "entertainment noise" has been implemented by the Thai government in the wake of the death of HRH Princess Galyani Vadhana, the sister of King Bhumibol Adulyadej.

Bars, restaurants and nightclubs have been asked not to stage any live music performances or use any sound systems until January 17. The venues are allowed to trade as normal, but without any music or entertainment. Any bar or club that contravenes the ban could be blacklisted by the authorities. The ban on music includes festivities planned for Children's Day on January 12.

Princess Galyani, who was 84 years old, passed away in the Siriraj Hospital in Bangkok in the early hours of January 3. She had been receiving treatment for cancer.

UPDATE: Everything was quiet for one night, but music is now being played in nearly all bars, albeit at a lower volume. I think the original ban was aimed at official functions, not commercial operations, and may have been misinterpreted by overzealous officials. With the music turned down, everyone saves face.

Somtam and sex

We have all heard the stories of foreigners who end up living in rural villages with their Thai brides. Most settle in Isaan, the poorest part of Thailand, where many of the workers in the 'entertainment' industry come from. Here's the scenario: Elderly farang (foreign) man falls in love with young Thai lady in bar, she takes him home to meet her family, he presents gifts to 'mamma' and drinks whisky with pappa and it is decided that the farang will build the family a house and settle in the country. She will be close to her family, he will save money on expensive condo rental in Pattaya or Bangkok and everyone will live happily ever after.

Well, not always. Many sad tales have emerged of how the farangs have ended up penniless after being fleeced by wily villagers or how they become disgruntled alcoholics, full of regret for how their lives had changed for the worse. The often-hilarious stories of how farang men fall for sexy Thai women are well documented in countless books, such as No Money No Honey or Private Dancer. However, what is less known is what affect these strange farang have on the women they marry and communities they settle in.

Research into the impact of cross-culutral marriages by Khon Kaen University has come up with some interesting findings. (source: The Nation 17 Nov, 2006) More than 200 Thai woman married to foreigners were interviewed in Khon Kaen, Udon Thani and Roi Et and it was found that traditional Thai food was being replaced by Western staples such as hamburgers and pizzas as the women adopted their husbands culture.

While it is often the cry of the farangs that they are "forced" to eat Thai food all the time, the study revealed that Thai wives happily switched to fast foods and European dishes as a symbol of their adjustment to Western culture. Northeastern food, such as the very popular papaya salad known as 'somtam', had gradually disappeared from their diet. As their husbands found it harder to adjust to local food and it was easier to cook once for the whole family, Western food gradually took over.

The survey also found that the wives preferred celebrating Western holidays like Christmas and Valentine's Day compared to traditional Thai holidays such as Songkran and Loy Krathong. Maybe the fact that the Thai ceremonies involve presenting gifts to the temple or making merit, while the Western holidays involve receiving gifts!

The head of the study, Asst Prof Supawatanakorn Wongtha-nawasu of the university's Faculty of Nursing, said foreign son-in-laws had caused the community-oriented Northeasterners to become more individualistic and give less attention to social interaction. Wives tried to adjust by becoming "farang" rather than helping their husbands to be more 'Thai'. Thai culture in these families was thus overshadowed by Western culture, with the families' own consent, due to the pride of having foreign sons-in-law, she said.

"In some Khon Kaen villages, with dozens of women marrying farangs, Christmas Day is no different from the movies with real traditional Christmas celebrations, while many Northeastern festivals were forgotten," the academic said.

The study found that most Northeastern Thai women married to foreigners were over 30, with an average age of 35, and had education below secondary level. Most wives saw their cross-cultural marriage as turning over a new leaf. The average age of farang husbands was 50, and most came from Germany, Britain and Scandinavia. A fourth of those over 60 had brought their retirement funds to settle down with Thai wives who gave them a sex life and took care of them. Most had an income of around 1500 US dollars a month, but most of their wives didn't know their husband's work or educational background. The wives were mainly interested in whether their husbands had enough money to support the family.

The study also found that Isaan families whose members had married foreigners had changed their views on choosing spouses. From the traditional practice of parents choosing spouses for their children, the decision is now made by the individual and is based mainly on economic security. Some women agreed to marry foreigners they had never met before the wedding day as they felt that if the man had money, the villagers would eventually accept and respect them.

With the obvious increase in wealth of wives married to farang, due to their husbands' financial support, some 90 per cent of residents surveyed said they wanted their daughters to marry foreigners, Supawatanakorn said. Some girls told the researchers they were prepared to fly overseas to marry a foreigner when they grew up. Cross-cultural marriages were also supported by the older generation as these couples took care of their own children instead of placing the burden on the grandparents, or could afford nannies.

Somehow, it all seems rather sad that the traditional Thai way of life is being influenced by those who seem to have very little culture in the first place. Believe me, these men are not introducing great literature or classical music to those in the villages they move into!

So, the next time you hear the 'sad' saga of how a paunchy, middle-aged farang had to put up with his moneygrabbing wife and her family, spare a thought for the family that had to put up with him! Without taking time to look in the mirror or think about why even their friends avoid them, some of these men think they are God's gift to their beautiful Thai brides. When they moan about how they had to move out of the home they built because life was intolerable, say a silent prayer that at least the woman got a house out of it. With the old bore out of the way, they can throw out the pictures of Swiss mountains and cuckoo clocks and happily return to a life of somtam and Songkran.

Watch your step

There are few more beautiful places in the world than Phi Phi Island about 50kms off the coast of Phuket. With its golden beaches, huge limestone cliffs and dense jungle, it is the stuff of picture postcards. And there's no better place to celebrate the New Year than at one of the island's great beach bars and restaurants.



No so for an American tourist, whose New Year festivities came to a tragic end this year. As he was wending his way back to his bungalow after partying at a bar, the man stopped to relieve himself on the edge of a rocky outcrop. Unfortunately, he lost his balance and fell to his death on the rocks below. He had suffered five broken ribs, one of which punctured a lung.



The body of Michael Schwartz, 64, was found at 6am by police. It was wedged between two rocks under a Bodhi tree. The bluff from which he fell is known by the Thais as hin lek fai (stone, iron and fire) because of the large boulders at its base. Phi Phi residents are superstitious at the best of times, so the untimely death of another tourist will only add to the number of spirits they believe roam the island. In fact, the name Phi Phi means "Island of Ghosts".

I have been to Phi Phi many times (and had my fair share of drinks there), but in the future I will think twice before I empty my bladder just anywhere. A ghost could be watching.

Taking a break


I am taking a break from my computer for a week, so there won't be any updates. I am in Chiang Mai admiring the mountains, relishing the cool night air, whooping it up in the bars and sleeeeeeping late every morning. Heaven!
I will be back in the New Year with a few tales to tell. Best Christmas wishes and a happy new year to you all.

Thinking of Granny


Tomorrow is a big day on the Muslim calendar, the festival of Eid, so my friend But and his family are all gathering at the family home in Krabi province. But one person will be missing when they tuck into a meal of barbecued lamb and enjoy the day together. Granny is still in Saudi Arabia on her pilgrimage to Mecca.

Tonight I watched the events at Mecca on television and, once again, I was struck by what an adventure this old lady from a small village in Thailand has embarked on. The logistics of this annual meeting are staggering: three million people, accommodated in 440,000 tents and all following the same daily programme. Can you imagine what it takes just to get the food and drink organised to cater for all? And what about toilet facilities and bathrooms? It's mind-boggling.

Apparently, the number of pilgrims this year has been limited by the Saudi authorities, a difficult thing to do bearing in mind that it is the aim of all Muslims to get to Mecca at least once in their lifetime. How they do it is place a limit on the number of visitors from any one country, based on the number of Muslims living in that country. As a result, the biggest contingent comes from Indonesia.

The group from Thailand, a heavily Buddhist country, is probably not that big, but I was glad to learn that the various nationalities all stay together. At least Granny will be able to chat away in Thai and be understood. I dare say she won't be taking her daily stroll out into the countryside. Imagine trying to track down your tent in that vast canvas city!

I wonder how she is coping. Do they get Thai food there? Is it very hot? Do they have to walk everywhere or is there transport for the elderly? There has been no word from her and the family will only discover how it went when she arrives back home in a week or so. I am sure that I would feel out of my depth in such an enormous crowd, so I can only imagine what it has been like for her.

I spoke to But today and I asked him if the family was worried about her getting lost or feeling lonely. "No," he said emphatically, " She has tour guide."

Although he appears unconcerned, I know that there will be a collective sigh of relief from the family when Granny shuffles out of the customs hall at Phuket Airport. Her trip of a lifetime will be over and she will have many tales to tell. However, I am sure she will be thrilled to be back in her little house in a Phang Nga village. After all, there's just no place like home.

UPDATE: Granny arrived back on January 15 and all the family traipsed out to the airport to greet her. She reported that she had "the best time of her life" and would go back "any time". She was in great health and high spirits. And to think that we worried that she would be out of her depth in Saudi Arabia! Now she is back in her village in Phang Nga, no doubt regaling the locals with stories from the desert land.

Remembering the tsunami

As the sun sets on the beach on Wednesday, 100,000 candles will be lit on Patong Beach to remember those who died in the tsunami three years ago. For two hours, the bars will turn down their music, the vendors will lay down their wares and the people will silently honour those who died.

It's amazing to think that three years have already passed since the wave came crashing down on December 26, 2004. The memory of the devastation and loss of life is with us every day. Life certainly goes on, and the physical damage to the island's resorts have long been repaired. But for many, the pain lingers. With the sea being such a central focus of life on Phuket, you simply cannot forget.

This week relatives of those who died have been arriving in Phuket for the commemoration services. Judging by previous years, the services will be sombre and sad. At Patong Beach, 108 Buddhist monks will lead a service on the beach at 10am, the time the tsunami struck. This will be followed by the candle lighting ceremony in the evening.

At Khoa Lak resort on the mainland, about 90 minutes drive from Phuket, the ceremonies will be presided over by Her Royal Highness Princess Ubol Ratana Rajakanya, who lost a son in the disaster. Candles will be lit and 5,395 lanterns will be released into the sky in honour of the same number of people who died in the disaster there. The ceremonies will include five faiths: Buddhist, Christian, Muslim, Sikh and Hindu.

For many of the hundreds of thousands of holidaymakers in Phuket this high season, it will be the first time they are confronted with the reality of that traumatic day. Looking at the packed beaches and the tranquil sea every day, it seems almost inconceivable that it could have happened. But it did - and it should provide a reminder that one's life can be taken away in a moment. Let's hope it is a wake-up call to all of us that we should always live life to the full. It doesn't last forever.

Life's a beach!

You haven't lived until you have rested your weary body on a sandy beach in Thailand for a coconut oil body massage. Believe me, it is the experience of a lifetime. Could there be anything better? You lie on a thin foam mattress in the shade, looking out over the beach while all your aches and pains slowly dissipate. As you idly watch yachts bobbing in the bay and the small waves lapping on the sand, you discover what heaven feels like.

I can still clearly remember my first beach massage. I had arrived in Phuket only a few hours earlier and made a beeline for the beach. Ever since a friend had told me about "the most wonderful massage" she had on the sand, I had been looking forward to this. And it had certainly lived up to expectations. The Thai massage ladies - and a few men - sit in the shade of trees alongside most of Thailand's tourists beaches. Hand-written signs advertise the price - usually about 250 or 300 baht (that's R50-R60) for an hour.

The lady I chanced upon was one of a group of three operating on one corner of Patong Beach. All of them were uncharacteristically plump - which is what drew me to them in the first place. I couldn't imagine any of the tiny Thai ladies struggling to batter my enormous frame into shape. As they massaged away, the three of them chatted away. At intervals, their friends arrived to chat and pick up on the news of the day, helping themselves to dishes of rice and chicken of which the ladies appeared to have an endless supply.

As I drifted in and out of sleep, I wondered what nasty things they might be saying about this big"farang" (foreigner). But I got to know the masseur, Nong, over the years and realised she was one of the nicest people I could have wished to meet. "Welcome, big man Africa!" she would yell when she spotted me coming along the beachfront. If I didn't have money on me, she would beckon me to lie down: "No problem, you pay next time."

A beach massage is one of the attractions that sets Thailand's glorious beaches apart from competitors. Here there's much more to going to the beach in Phuket than just settling down to a day in the sun. It's a total experience and one that I ached for when I leave these shores and head elsewhere.

Let me tell you a little about the beach culture here. When you arrive, you choose your spot and hire a deckchair. There are thousands of them along the beach. Along with the deckchair (very comfy with a foam mattress), you get an umbrella and a side table. If you're a smoker, you'll get an ashtray. The "beach boy" then sweeps any sand off the deckchair with a little broom and lays out your towel for you.

For this service there is a flat fee of 100 baht per day (about R22). For the rest of the day, he will be your loyal servant. If you want a drink, he will fetch it. Feel like something to eat? He'll get it, even running off to KFC or McDonalds down the road if that tickles your taste buds. A newspaper? No problem. He'll keep an eye on your possessions and you pay your bill at the end of the day. So civilised, so safe, so fabulous.

The culture of service is something you have to get used to. On my first few visits, I thought it was too good to be true. But it's true - the beach people are genuinely nice.

As you lie in the shade of your umbrella, there will be a passing parade of vendors, selling anything from gaudy t-shirts and sarongs to pineapple slices and temporary tattoos. It's not really a hard sell, it's more like having a market march right past you throughout the day. If you show interest, you'll be drawn into a lengthy negotiation. If you don't feel like a commercial duel, you need to keep your eyes firmly off the merchandise being offered. Don't even glimpse at what is being waved inches from your nose. A polite "no thanks" or, in Thai, "My Ow", and a firm shake of the head will usually send them on their way.

If you want to avoid the sales pitch altogether, avoid the front row of deckchairs. They are strictly for first-timers; those that don't know their way around. The further back you sit, the less likely you are to be bothered. That's because the "old hands" know the best place to be is in the back row. From that vantage point you can survey all the interesting goings-on and characters. And, believe me, anything is possible on Patong Beach.

If it all gets too much, you can head off into the water - the wonderfully warm Andaman Sea. As you relax in the gentle waves, you realise why so many people are drawn to these waters year after year. And when you've had enough of that, the massage ladies will be waiting for you in the shade. That's where you are likely to find me. I just can't resist.

The Times of my life

It's 2.30 on a Friday afternoon and I am sitting at a pavement cafe overlooking Patong Beach in Phuket. My laptop lies open in front of me, but for the past hour I have been idly watching people stroll by. Most are tourists, all sunburnt and wide-eyed, their tropical shirts and bright sarongs identifying them as first-timers.

Occasionally, an expat resident will saunter past, the deep tan and faded beachwear the hallmarks of a long spell in paradise. Thai workers scurry back to their shops and offices after a late lunch, while others wait in the shade with an armful of trinkets, languidly eyeing the passing parade for customers. A newspaper seller saunters up to my table and slaps down a copy of the Bangkok Post. I'm a regular, a foreigner with a thirst for news. Old habits die hard.

As I scan the front page and assess the stories and pictures, I think of home. Right now it is 9.30am in South Africa. At the Sunday Times office in Biermann Avenue, Rosebank, editors and section heads will be rushing into the conference room for one of the most important meetings of the week. In the next hour or so, they will decide the shape of this week’s paper - which reports and photographs are destined for the front page, which will lead the other pages and those that will be cut down to small stories.

I can picture the editorial meeting in my mind, the editor seated at the head of the table, the news editor at his side. For five years I occupied one of these hotseats – doing my best to juggle competing news reports and compile the best edition possible. With a roomful of hardened and opinionated reporters and editors, the potential for heated debate was ever-present. Difficult choices had to be made. Should we lead with a corruption scandal in the Cape Town Municipality? Yes, there’s too much about Gauteng in the paper, says the news editor. No, argues the sports editor, the big football game in Soweto this weekend is crucial to our World Cup chances and it must go on page one. The business editor chimes in: Use a picture of the football – our interview with Tito Mboweni is dynamite.

One by one the contenders stake their claim – the investigation unit’s probe into a government official, an exclusive interview with Nelson Mandela about Aids, the uplifting tale of a woman’s battle to rescue her daughter from a religious cult in Germany. The editor has the final say, but everyone gets a chance to speak. There may be tears, insults and recriminations, but by the end of the meeting that week’s Sunday Times would be taking shape.

I wonder what the paper will look like this week. Will their carefully-laid plans come unstuck at the last minute when an earthquake shatters lives across the globe or a local celebrity is carjacked? Perhaps a photographer will come up with a sensational picture that results in the entire front page having to be redone from scratch. I remember how we, as junior reporters, used to criticize the decisions taken by the editors of the day. Influenced heavily by how well are own stories were being used, we grumbled long and hard about how fuddy-duddy and backward-thinking they were. Not to mention racist, sexist and elitist. Sometimes they did get it wrong, but years later I realized what it took to keep three million readers entertained and informed every Sunday.

I remember my first day on the newspaper. Uneasily trussed up in a tie and jacket, I arrived at the newspaper's offices in Main Street, Johannesburg, to take up a vacation job as part of my university training. I was taken to meet the managing editor, Joe Sutton, who then introduced me to editor Tertius Myburgh with the words: "Here's the young Old Dalian." I soon learnt that the ed had not only attended the same school as me, Dale College in King William's Town, but had also grown up in the same town, Komga, a small farming hamlet near the Kei River in the Eastern Cape. The managing editor was another old Dalian.

While my old school tie got me the eye of the editor, it did little to ease my passage with the news editor, Hans Strydom. He had graduated from the school of hard knocks and wasn't about to make any concessions for this well-connected tubby know-it-all. With his black and grey beard, he was a fiercesome sight. Regularly a roar would emanate from his corner office: "Malherbe, come here, NOW!"

I have a book of cuttings that documents my first writing successes, but I recall that my days were spent hovering between terror and relief. The Sunday Times was a tough training ground. Either you performed or you got out. Fresh from university, the world inside 171 Main Street seemed slightly crazed. The stories from those days are legend – typewriters being flung from third-floor windows, steamy affairs in lift shafts and locked offices, “on the spot” sports reports being filed from the pub around the corner, a printing press strike set off by a drug squad raid and endless dramas about “police spies” in the office and the latest censorship laws.

Our newsroom was on the same floor as the Rand Daily Mail's and one of our missions was to ensure that we beat the "Mail" on every single story. The pressure was intense. In the beginning I wrote about lost dogs and car accidents for the Times Metro section, but I managed to get one or two stories in the "main paper" by the end of my two-month stint. And, more importantly, I was offered a full-time job when I graduated.

A year later, I began working as a full-time reporter, embarking on a rollercoaster ride that would culminate in my appointment as managing editor 15 years later. Looking back now, I realise just how many people took me under their wings as I rose up through the ranks. There were the photographers like Andrzej Sawa and Horace Potter who pointed me in the right direction when my story went off track or I bungled an interview. There were colleagues who would spend a few minutes telling me how to put my story together, but shrug off any suggestions that they had helped me.

There were also those who found me places to live, lent me money to buy my first suit and gave me a nudge when my spirits were flagging. They let me scour their contact books, sewed on my buttons and, most importantly, covered up my many faux pas in and out of the office. Later, editors like Ken Owen and Mike Robertson, offered the greatest vote of confidence by simply saying; “Do what you think is best. I will support you.”

My first career leap came at the tender age of 23 when I was promoted to bureau chief of the Eastern Cape office of the Sunday Times. In reality, this was only a one-man show in Port Elizabeth, but it gave me an office of my own and a company car. I excelled back on home turf. I was able to drive all over the province looking for the incredible tales and characters that make this part of the country so unique.

For example, a couple I met in a bar of a Port Alfred hotel told me about a lovely, romantic holiday farm that I should visit. “Its fabulous,” they assured me, “But when you arrive, cover up the little holes in the ceiling of your bedroom and bathroom and you won’t be disturbed.” I listened incredulously as they explained that there were peepholes in the ceiling above all the double beds and the baths in this country hotel. “All the regulars know about them, it’s not a problem if you cover them up.”

A day later, a photographer and I checked into the hotel and discovered that not only did the peepholes exist, but an elaborate walkway had been constructed in the ceiling for the “peeper” to get to all the holes. That Sunday the country was treated to the story of the “honeymoon hideaway with peepholes”. It was a great tale.

Another of my stories made international news. We discovered that a famous British “supergrass’’ was living in Port Elizabeth. Once a member of the London underworld, he was cleared of all charges and given a new identity for blowing the whistle on his colleagues and testifying against them. Under the name Arnold Nugent (new gent?) he was living it up as the owner of one of the city’s top nightclub.

We were doing the story along with the British newspaper, the News of the World, so I was instructed to confront him on the Friday night. My photographer was terrified, so he stayed in the background and snapped away as I made my way to the bar of the nightclub. At first, the man denied the story. When I started listing my evidence against him, he turned nasty and threatened me. I hot-footed it back to the office. We had our picture and our story. I slept uneasily until the story was safely on the front page of the paper.

On the Sunday I received a call at the home of a friend where I had been staying. It was him: “Please come to the club. I want to talk to you.” As the one who had exposed him, it was a strange feeling being escorted into the club past all the waiting reporters. Mr. Nugent apologized for threatening me, congratulated me on the story and said he was going into hiding as some of his former underworld mates were on their way from Britain. We shook hands and I left. A few weeks later, I received a postcard from him, just to let me know that he was fine. What a strange world!

If my experiences in Port Elizabeth were exciting, I was heading for even greater times. After a stint back in Johannesburg, mostly spent hounding the mysterious Italian millionaire Marino Chiavelli, I was offered the position of London correspondent. An Eastern Cape boy at heart, I was overwhelmed by the broad canvas of journalism in London. I shared my office with a dozen other South African journalists, all representing publications back home.

My job was primarily to keep track of world news and provide an international perspective for the newspaper. But this was also the time of Charles and Diana’s very public marriage woes, recorded in amazing detail by the British tabloid press. This Royal war of words – along with Michael Jackson’s plastic surgery exploits – ensured that I could always find a spot on page one of the paper.

My most memorable assignment during my two-year stint in London was when I was sent to Warsaw, Poland, to find out more about Janus Waluz, the rightwinger who was arrested for murdering South African Communist Party supreme Chris Hani. Hani’s assassination was a huge story, even in Britain, and I was terrified of failing. On arrival in Poland I found a translator and tracked down Waluz’s wife to a small glass factory. She seemed totally perplexed by her husband’s arrest, as he had not discussed politics with her. She had lived with him in Pretoria, but found the weather too hot.

I persuaded her to take me to their home – a shabby one-room flat in a rundown building. I could not believe she had given up a four-bedroom house with a pool in sunny South Africa for this. She seemed happy to have someone to talk to about it all – and she agreed to let me borrow a selection of photographs from the family album. Having got there before any other reporter, I had my scoop and the Sunday Times came out tops again.

Handling big stories is what the Sunday Times does best. And there were many momentuous events during my time on the paper. I returned to South Africa to take over as news editor just prior to the first democratic election in 1994, an event that would be difficult to surpass in our lifetime. The editor at the time, Ken Owen, had one of the sharpest minds around, excelling in his analysis of the constitutional negotiations that led to the election. He realized the enormity of the event, and our coverage was a massive undertaking. This was history in the making – and we treated it as such.

Then there were the sensational events that begged massive coverage, such as the release of Nelson Mandela, the death of Princess Diana and winning the Rugby World Cup. On these types of stories, the Sunday Times is virtually unbeatable. When Diana died in the early hours of a Sunday morning, the newspaper had already been printed. But most of the staff trooped back to the office and a special edition hit the streets by midday. Di is dead, screamed the headline.

There were great achievements, but things were not perfect all of the time. During the early 1980’s, the political direction of the newspaper came under heavy criticism, There was heavy censorship and pressure from the government, but I joined many of the staff in feeling that we did not do enough to fight back. Too often, we failed to expose government propaganda for what it was.

On one occasion, the staff wrote a petition to the editor after one of our former colleagues, Marion Sparg, received harsh treatment in the Sunday Times. She had left the country to join the African National Congress after planting a bomb in a police station. When she was arrested, the paper carried a photograph of her in leg irons on the front page along with a report which depicted her as a sad, pathetic figure. We knew this not to be true.

Another former staffer who went into exile, Muff Anderson, was also a victim of a “smear” report in our paper, which enraged staff. If this was happening to people we knew well, we realized that much of the information being fed to the newspaper by the authorities was more than suspect.

The political direction of the newspaper changed under the editorship of Ken Owen and much of its credibility was restored. This was taken further by the next two editors, Brian Pottinger and Mike Robertson, who had both served as political reporters in their day. An American-style accuracy test was implemented, which ensured that reporters verified every fact in their reports against a checklist. The theory was that if any detail was incorrect, even if it was a street number or the colour of someone’s tie, it threw doubt on the entire report.

I served as managing editor under Mike Robertson and together we fought hard to ensure that we the paper and its staff remained above reproach. A no-gift policy was enforced. Any “freebies” or gifts delivered to the Sunday Times were auctioned for charity. Reporters were urged to pay for all lunches and drinks with contacts. It became even more important after our investigations unit started cracking big stories. We could not afford a lapse anywhere.

As I sit back and recall the long hours we spent planning and scheming of ways to improve the paper, I realize that the sun is about to set on Phuket. All along the beachfront, the neon lights are switching on. As the last of the swimmers paddle in the dusk, the bargirls arrive for another night of partying. Later, from my bedroom, I will listen to the disco beat from the nightclub across the road as I catch the late-night news on TV. This is my new world. But, for the past few hours, my mind has been in South Africa. I have been back at my desk at the Sunday Times. It seems a million miles away now. I think the passage of a few years and and distance has given me a much clearer perspective of what the newspaper meant to me.

I remember the stories, but it is the people that kindle the brightest memories. I think of the ever-jovial office secretary, Sandra Hattingh, who joined the paper on the same day as me and still sends me birthday wishes and jokes from the newsroom. I think of the allies who lifted me up when times got tough, editor Mike Robertson, who never doubted me; Clifford Fram, who could always see the bigger picture, and Hoosen Kolia, who had been on the paper longer than anyone and could always say: “Don’t worry, it’s happened before.”

I think of the great reporters I worked with, those who taught me and those I taught. How could I forget the bustling, unstoppable Jocelyn Maker with her battle cry; “Go for it!” or Charmain Naidoo, who could befriend interviewees in an instant. I think of Lesley Mofokeng, who agreed to wear a ridiculous “Lucky Lottery” costume for weeks on end to launch of our successful lottery campaign. I smile when I think of Doc Bikitsha, who never seemed to leave the building, and Gwen Gill, who is as close as anyone can get to being irreplaceable. And I fondly think of the late photographer Joe Sefale, who chose to take me with him as his partner when he was the only outsider invited to Nelson Mandela’s private family birthday party.

It’s now 7pm in Thailand, 2pm in South Africa. The newsroom will be chaotic now, as everyone rushes to meet the early deadlines. The Sunday Times is being born again.

*This article was written for the special edition commemorating the 100th birthday of the Sunday Times newspaper

It's only tea, officer!

You certainly can't accuse the military-led Thai government of pandering to the tourist industry when it comes to the upcoming national election. The high season runs from November through to April, but the peak, peak season is between December 15 and January 5. So, when do you think they scheduled the election? December 23, that's when. At the absolute height of the season, when Thailand shows off all its finery to millions of tourists.


Now, no-one minds that the Thai people exercise their democratic right, even if it means that many of the workers in the tourist industry will have to take off a day or two to return to their home villages and towns. No, the real worry is that any election in Thailand is accompanied by a ban on the selling of alcohol, the beverage that fuels the country's highly-prized nightlife.


A booze ban on election day would be quite understandable, but it's not that simple. The ban will stretch across two whole weekends. The first dry days will be 14, 15 and 16 December, which are the voting days for those who registered to cast their ballots early. The ban is expected to run from 6pm Friday 14th until midnight at Sunday 16th.

The second dry run is for the actual election day, with the ban running from 6pm on 22 December until midnight on 23 December. Expect some old soaks to be propping up the bars when the clock strikes midnight!

But Thailand being Thailand, all is not lost for those in search of a tot or two. Judging by past experiences, many bars will open up for business on the premise that they will only serve softdrinks. But, strangely, an inordinate number of cups of tea seem to be served on these days. A nice porcelain cup does look so innocent, doesn't it?
And, of course, some upholders of the law do have a special relationship with certain bars, which leads them to turn a blind eye to one or two little infringements. Those will be the bars with the loudest music.
You can also often get a bottle of wine and beers in the restaurants of the big hotels, as long as you order a meal. I think it has something to do with whether you are licensed as a restaurant or a bar. But the freedom to serve all does not extend to independent restaurants. Most of them run dry or serve up cups of tea.

The clever locals and visitors will stock up with alcohol in advance and have parties at home. They will buy more booze than they would normally drink in a week - and then discover that it runs out before the deadline! There's nothing to fuel a thirst like a ban, it all tastes so much better! Lucky for them, when the bottles run dry they will always be able to find a little supermarket that has stocked up on supplies for the silly tipplers who can't last without a drink.

Normally I am quite happy to stay without a drink for a week or two, but the excitement of the ban and the dry bars will probably get to me. Inevitably, I will head off to my local for a nice cup of tea. Maybe I'll have two. Oh, damn it, pass me the whole pot.