Love on an elephant

If you think Valentine's Day is a western tradition, you haven't checked out Thailand. Oh, yes, February 14 is big, big business in this corner of south-east Asia. Every possible trinket and fluffy toy symbolising love goes on sale as the Thai people rush to profess their love. Pop into a 7-Eleven store for a packet of ice and you're bound to leave with a little bear in a glass jar covered in flashing hearts. Or a bottle of Chivas Regal packaged in a neon pink box with two glasses engraved with a kissing couple.

Nothing is too kitsch. Millions and millions of pink and white balloons will be strung up across the entrances to bars and restaurants. Little teddy bears will adorn key rings, motor-bikes and dressing tables, silk flowers will be on sale everywhere (they last longer) and the amount of red ribbon used on the day would easily be enough to tie a bow around the globe.

And for those ready to tie the knot, this is the day of choice. All the marriage licensing offices get into the act, with special certificates and momentoes handed out to the blushing newlyweds, who will have queued for hours.

So, it shouldn't surprise one that the tourist authorities have jumped onto the bandwagon. The big tourist centres like Bangkok, Phuket and Chiang Mai will be swamped with giggling couples and their credit cards, but the more 'out of the way' places are bidding for their slice of the pie.

Take the Surin province. Its only claim to fame is an abundance of elephants. That's no problem - who could resist the opportunity to take their marriage vows while seated on a swaying jumbo? Can you imagine it? For one, there's the indignity of trying to scramble aboard in wedding regalia - and then there's always the chance that the tusker could let rip with some noisy and smelly activities at the crucial moment. I know the elephant handlers are skilled, but can they explain to the ellie that it should stand still for 20 minutes or so and resist the temptation to let nature takes its course? And what if it decides that this is the moment to rub itself up against the nearest tree trunk?

But there will be many takers. As long as the happy couple can emerge with a pretty photograph or two, it will have been worth all the farting and fuss.

If you really want excitement, head for the province of Trang, which is in the southern part of Thailand. Here you can tie the knot underwater. And, unbelievably, its very, very popular. The authorities have to restrict the number of wet-suited lovers ready to say their vows through muffled mouthpieces and bubbles. The bride and groom have to be qualified divers, but less-skilled guests can resort to peering down from boats bobbing on the surface. Or they can snorkel above the ceremony for a birds' eye view.

It almost sounds romantic, but the chances of something going wrong is too high for my liking. Especially when one removes the mouthpieces for that first kiss. It would be very sad to end up having your honeymoon in a hyperbaric chamber!

No, I think it's far safer to do the conventional thing. I prefer my bubbles to come in a glass and my elephant to be fluffy pink and wrapped in cellophane. A sunset picnic on the beach sounds like a far better bet.

Sail away in style

'The real beauty of Phuket is in the sea around it,' an old expat told me when I first came to the island. And he was partly right. Phuket is beautiful in its own right, but the islands dotted around the Andaman Sea are truly breath-taking.

I have long dreamt of chartering my own boat for a few days and setting sail, stopping off in idyllic bays to snorkel and swim. The boat would be an old fashioned schooner, but fitted out with all the modcons. There would be huge, comfortable double bed, a fully-stocked bar with loads of ice and a barbecue grill on board.

I would have a crew to run the boat and serve me whatever my heart desired. Days would be spent relaxing on deck or exploring new coves and deserted beaches. Evenings would be for lying on the deck and staring at the stars or paddling ashore to hang out at a beach bar. What a life that would be!

Well, I have discovered that my dream is not beyond reach. While I was on the beach the other day I saw the boat of my dreams glide by. A suntanned couple standing in the bow of the boat waved at me with a smug smile on their faces. Lucky bastards, I thought. Luckily, I had the presence of mind to jot down the name of this extraordinary boat. The next day, back at work, I started finding out how I could lay my hands on it. As luck would have it, the boat can be chartered for trips around Phuket and beyond. It sleeps six people comfortably (with more on the deck) and, believe it or not, even has a 10-seater jacuzzi.

The boat is named the Merdeka. A traditional Indonesian Phinisi vessel, it has seven sails and a diesel-powered engine. It comes with a Thai captain and two crew members, plus an optional masseuse. There are two double cabins with aircon, two bunk beds and two bathrooms. A huge deck not only accommodates the jacuzzi, but also has loads of space to lie out under the sun or stars. What more could one want?

There's only one little problem. It's not that cheap. Not too expensive, mind you, but still an extravagance. Out of season (May-Nov), the boat costs 510 Euros per day (that's R5100) and in peak, peak season, that rises to 800 Euros per day (thats R8000). However, that does include the crew, all running costs and three meals a day with unlimited coffee, tea, water and soft drink. You bring along your own booze (by the case, I would guess!) and you are also provided with an inflatable dinghy and all snorkelling equipment.

I've planned my trip already. It will last four days and three nights, Day One will be spent in the Phang-Nga Bay area, Day Two along the coast of Krabi and Day Three checking out the Phi Phi Islands. On Day Four, I will sail back to Phuket, all tanned and relaxed and handsome. I am sure I can swing a discount, but the rough cost works out at around 100 Euros per person per day (that's R1000 a day). That's with five people on board. Anyone interested? Would be fun, wouldn't it?

The monk and the massage lady

Blackmail is not unknown in the Land of Smiles, but the startling case involving an 82 year-old monk has got the nation chattering away. This was no ordinary temple monk, but an abbot at Wat Sainoi in Nothaburi, the most revered temple official in the province. And, of course, the matter had something to do with sex.

According to the local papers, an official from the Department of Civil Aviation approached the abbot on 26 December. The abbot would have thought nothing of the polite wai (greeting) offered, as he is used to dealing with high-ranking politicians and government officials.

But the aviation commander wasn't there to seek a blessing or offer a donation to the temple. Rather, he had something to sell, a video casette disc (VCD). And, at four million baht (R900,000), it wasn't going cheap. The official claimed the VCD showed the abbot in the throes of passion with a middle-aged woman. As monks are forbidden for fornicating, this would make the tape rather valuable in the wrong hands.

The commander was quick to explain that he was not involved in taping the incident. Rather, he had come across someone selling the VCD in the town and, in a desire to protect the good name of the abbot, had bought it for four million baht.

Of course, he was now seeking to be recompensed by the temple.

After the abbot called the temple director to assist him with the negotiations, the aviator decided to lower his price to two million baht. Suspecting blackmail, the temple director decided, perhaps somewhat short-sightedly considering the material on the VCD, to call the local police station.

When the cops arrived, the aviator tried to escape in his car, but he was caught. After questioning, the police released him with the promise of more questioning later, but held onto the VCD as evidence.

Of course, the police have viewed the recording very carefully. And word is that it does indeed show the elderly monk having sex with a middle-aged woman in his room at the temple.
The 20-minute VCD apparently begins with the woman hiding the camera with a view of the bedding in the unsuspecting abbot’s room and then sitting waiting for the man to arrive. After a 10-minute massage, she removes her clothes and they have sex.

Police believe the woman's massage techniques were such that they suspect she is a professional and they are scouring local massage parlours to find her. They will be performing thorough searches, I am sure.

The aviator has been charged with blackmail and should appear in court soon. The monk is also likely to face disciplinary measures from the temple, as those who have watched the tape say that he did not appear to be drugged and was participating fully in the sex romp. At 82 years old, that's quite a feat.

No copies of the tape are yet available on the black market in Pattaya or around Patpong in Bangkok. I'll keep you posted.

Bars go silent

Thailand's nightlife has gone quiet in the peak of the holiday season following the death of a prominent member of the Thai Royal Family. A 15-day ban on "entertainment noise" has been implemented by the Thai government in the wake of the death of HRH Princess Galyani Vadhana, the sister of King Bhumibol Adulyadej.

Bars, restaurants and nightclubs have been asked not to stage any live music performances or use any sound systems until January 17. The venues are allowed to trade as normal, but without any music or entertainment. Any bar or club that contravenes the ban could be blacklisted by the authorities. The ban on music includes festivities planned for Children's Day on January 12.

Princess Galyani, who was 84 years old, passed away in the Siriraj Hospital in Bangkok in the early hours of January 3. She had been receiving treatment for cancer.

UPDATE: Everything was quiet for one night, but music is now being played in nearly all bars, albeit at a lower volume. I think the original ban was aimed at official functions, not commercial operations, and may have been misinterpreted by overzealous officials. With the music turned down, everyone saves face.

Somtam and sex

We have all heard the stories of foreigners who end up living in rural villages with their Thai brides. Most settle in Isaan, the poorest part of Thailand, where many of the workers in the 'entertainment' industry come from. Here's the scenario: Elderly farang (foreign) man falls in love with young Thai lady in bar, she takes him home to meet her family, he presents gifts to 'mamma' and drinks whisky with pappa and it is decided that the farang will build the family a house and settle in the country. She will be close to her family, he will save money on expensive condo rental in Pattaya or Bangkok and everyone will live happily ever after.

Well, not always. Many sad tales have emerged of how the farangs have ended up penniless after being fleeced by wily villagers or how they become disgruntled alcoholics, full of regret for how their lives had changed for the worse. The often-hilarious stories of how farang men fall for sexy Thai women are well documented in countless books, such as No Money No Honey or Private Dancer. However, what is less known is what affect these strange farang have on the women they marry and communities they settle in.

Research into the impact of cross-culutral marriages by Khon Kaen University has come up with some interesting findings. (source: The Nation 17 Nov, 2006) More than 200 Thai woman married to foreigners were interviewed in Khon Kaen, Udon Thani and Roi Et and it was found that traditional Thai food was being replaced by Western staples such as hamburgers and pizzas as the women adopted their husbands culture.

While it is often the cry of the farangs that they are "forced" to eat Thai food all the time, the study revealed that Thai wives happily switched to fast foods and European dishes as a symbol of their adjustment to Western culture. Northeastern food, such as the very popular papaya salad known as 'somtam', had gradually disappeared from their diet. As their husbands found it harder to adjust to local food and it was easier to cook once for the whole family, Western food gradually took over.

The survey also found that the wives preferred celebrating Western holidays like Christmas and Valentine's Day compared to traditional Thai holidays such as Songkran and Loy Krathong. Maybe the fact that the Thai ceremonies involve presenting gifts to the temple or making merit, while the Western holidays involve receiving gifts!

The head of the study, Asst Prof Supawatanakorn Wongtha-nawasu of the university's Faculty of Nursing, said foreign son-in-laws had caused the community-oriented Northeasterners to become more individualistic and give less attention to social interaction. Wives tried to adjust by becoming "farang" rather than helping their husbands to be more 'Thai'. Thai culture in these families was thus overshadowed by Western culture, with the families' own consent, due to the pride of having foreign sons-in-law, she said.

"In some Khon Kaen villages, with dozens of women marrying farangs, Christmas Day is no different from the movies with real traditional Christmas celebrations, while many Northeastern festivals were forgotten," the academic said.

The study found that most Northeastern Thai women married to foreigners were over 30, with an average age of 35, and had education below secondary level. Most wives saw their cross-cultural marriage as turning over a new leaf. The average age of farang husbands was 50, and most came from Germany, Britain and Scandinavia. A fourth of those over 60 had brought their retirement funds to settle down with Thai wives who gave them a sex life and took care of them. Most had an income of around 1500 US dollars a month, but most of their wives didn't know their husband's work or educational background. The wives were mainly interested in whether their husbands had enough money to support the family.

The study also found that Isaan families whose members had married foreigners had changed their views on choosing spouses. From the traditional practice of parents choosing spouses for their children, the decision is now made by the individual and is based mainly on economic security. Some women agreed to marry foreigners they had never met before the wedding day as they felt that if the man had money, the villagers would eventually accept and respect them.

With the obvious increase in wealth of wives married to farang, due to their husbands' financial support, some 90 per cent of residents surveyed said they wanted their daughters to marry foreigners, Supawatanakorn said. Some girls told the researchers they were prepared to fly overseas to marry a foreigner when they grew up. Cross-cultural marriages were also supported by the older generation as these couples took care of their own children instead of placing the burden on the grandparents, or could afford nannies.

Somehow, it all seems rather sad that the traditional Thai way of life is being influenced by those who seem to have very little culture in the first place. Believe me, these men are not introducing great literature or classical music to those in the villages they move into!

So, the next time you hear the 'sad' saga of how a paunchy, middle-aged farang had to put up with his moneygrabbing wife and her family, spare a thought for the family that had to put up with him! Without taking time to look in the mirror or think about why even their friends avoid them, some of these men think they are God's gift to their beautiful Thai brides. When they moan about how they had to move out of the home they built because life was intolerable, say a silent prayer that at least the woman got a house out of it. With the old bore out of the way, they can throw out the pictures of Swiss mountains and cuckoo clocks and happily return to a life of somtam and Songkran.

Watch your step

There are few more beautiful places in the world than Phi Phi Island about 50kms off the coast of Phuket. With its golden beaches, huge limestone cliffs and dense jungle, it is the stuff of picture postcards. And there's no better place to celebrate the New Year than at one of the island's great beach bars and restaurants.

No so for an American tourist, whose New Year festivities came to a tragic end this year. As he was wending his way back to his bungalow after partying at a bar, the man stopped to relieve himself on the edge of a rocky outcrop. Unfortunately, he lost his balance and fell to his death on the rocks below. He had suffered five broken ribs, one of which punctured a lung.

The body of Michael Schwartz, 64, was found at 6am by police. It was wedged between two rocks under a Bodhi tree. The bluff from which he fell is known by the Thais as hin lek fai (stone, iron and fire) because of the large boulders at its base. Phi Phi residents are superstitious at the best of times, so the untimely death of another tourist will only add to the number of spirits they believe roam the island. In fact, the name Phi Phi means "Island of Ghosts".

I have been to Phi Phi many times (and had my fair share of drinks there), but in the future I will think twice before I empty my bladder just anywhere. A ghost could be watching.