The big green rip-off

So the tourism industry is going green. With eco-sensitivity all the rage these days, hotels and tour operators are jumping on the bandwagon to suggest they are "green-friendly". Well, that's all very laudable.

As a result, a number of eco-friendly resorts are springing up in Thailand, notably on the islands around Phuket. Their biggest claim is that only local materials are used in building their rustic villas and rooms. Yes, driftwood, sand and rocks are combined to give the resorts a home-made feel. Their brochures trumpet their green credentials, subliminally urging tourists to avoid their European-style competitors.

Now everyone here knows that the real expense in building an island resort is the cost of all the imported products, the fancy bathrooms, the tilework and the magnificent furnishings. So the "eco-local" outfits are saving a whole lot of money. That surely means that they can charge far less than the nasty luxury resorts using all the expensive imported goods. A fat chance! Check any one of them out and you'll discover that they are even more expensive!

And they will still have the cheek to ask you to save electricity (yipeee, a lower electricity bill) and to restrict the washing of towels (less work, less staff, lower pay). But they won't ask you to cut down on submitting your personal laundry at exhorbitant prices. Or to cut down on drinking Perrier or Evian water, which has used up god-knows-how-much fuel to be shipped across the globe. They'll be happy to offer local dishes using local ingredients served by local staff members getting local salaries, but certainly not at local prices. Oh, no, you'll pay a fortune and they'll even whack a 17% tax and service charge on top of that.

Now, if they really were committed to being eco-friendly, they would have their own rubbish disposal and water-rejuvenation plants. Oh, don't be silly - those things cost money. So, in most cases, the sewage flows straight into the sea...virtually under the noses of the guests happily sipping lemongrass tea or watermelon shakes (whooopee, those nice cheap local ingredients again!)

It's the same with airlines. They have been very keen to promote healthier flying. Their sage advice is:
- Drink only water during the flight (and avoid those pricey fine wines and spirits)
- Eat a salad or a light meal (and they can cut down on the lobster, fillet steak and creamy sauces)
- Exercise regularly during the flight (but no chance of giving you any more space or, horror of horrors, providing a fitness area on board).

So, the rule seems to be: The industry is committed to eco-friendly policies wherever they can save a bit of money. And if they can promote themselves as being totally green (while saving a whole whack of money), they can raise the prices. There seems to be no limit to what 'friends of the planet' will pay.

Isn't it a clever scam? Just wish I had thought of it first.

Buy your luck

How much does your vehicle number plate mean to you? If you're Thai, the numbers mean a great deal indeed. There are so many superstitions surrounding numbers that they auction off the most sought-after car registration plates each year. This year's event took place on Saturday 22 March in the ballroom of a Phuket Town hotel. A total of 310 plates went up for auction - and a staggering 14 million baht (R3,5 million) was raised. The proceeds go towards road maintenance.

The ballroom was packed with buyers, as the numbers were resented by attractive young women in revealing outfits. The alphanumeric plates for Phuket in 2008 begin with the two Thai letters ก (gor-gai) and ท (tor-tahaan), followed by strings of anywhere from one to four digits. This year's Thai letters, “กท”, are considered especially aspicious as the letters mean "double progress".

The most highly-sought after plates, for which opening bids were 50,000 baht, were numbers with the same digit four times in succession. As most bidders were keen believers in Chinese geomancy, the top bid, as expected, was for plate กท 9999. The winner was local hotel magnate Wanrak Likhidvong, with a high bid of 740,000 baht (R200,000).

The second highest bid, of 510,000 baht (R150,000), was placed by businessman Atthapan Poojaroen for กท 8888. All 301 plates on offer were snatched up by luck- and vanity-seeking bidders, with the lowest bid fetching 19,000 baht.

In Chinese culture, the lucky numbers are 4,8 and 9, with 9 the most prized. The unlucky numbers are 4, 5, 6, 7, with 4 deemed to be the most unlucky. (Some buildings avoid the number 4 in numbering their floors to avoid misfortune, so there will be no 4th floor, 14th floor, 24th floor, etc) Just for the record, my Phuket car registration number is 9208 (starts with 9, ends with 8 and adds up to 19...not bad at all). And to think it cost me nothing.

The flickers are going

I don't understand what has happened to my cellphone. Sometimes the print on the SMS messages and the phone number print is so small that I can barely read it. Or it just comes out blurry. The same goes for the pin code on the 'pay as you go' telephone cards. And the medical inserts that come with tablets. What the hell is going on?

The truth, my friends, is that the old flickers are starting to give in. Yes, the ravages of years behind a computer screen and squinting into the midday sun are having an effect. Isn't it terrible? Here I am, barely out of my teens (well, only three decades on), and my eyes are giving up the ghost.

I remember my grandfather giving me a hard time about the print size in the Sunday Times. "Why the hell did you change it," he would mutter. "Its not like it used to be. It used to be readable, but now its so damn small," he would grumble. The same went for our elecution. " Stop mumbling," he would say, "Speak up, I can't hear what you are saying!"

Oh, the creeping years play ugly games on the unsuspecting. When I finally confessed about my dimming flickers to some of the closest allies, they all quietly admitted the same affliction. So, now when I read a book in bed, or have to type out an SMS, out come a pair of miniscule glasses. They are not prescription ones (the horror!), but just a cheap pair that one can buy in pharmacies.

They were given to me by my friend Gary Timm, who teaches in Taiwan, He had a spare pair on him and generously handed them over. Says he has a few pairs dotted around the house (suppose he can't spot them easily at night, so he's probably worse off than me!)

So, if you happen to spot me donning a pair of specs one day, please don't laugh. Don't say a thing. Just pretend I am still the sprightly young thing that could easily spot a stray Quality Street sweet under the Christmas tree at midnight or a slither of biltong from 40 metres away.

But if you absolutely have to mention it, please be kind. Be gentle, like the young child who said of a balding man: "Look dad, that man has got a lot of face." Now, that's what they refer to in the East as 'saving face'. And we all need a little bit of it sometimes.

Bangkok's celebrity couple

Meet Thailand's number one celebrity couple - tennis star Paradorn Srichapan, 29, and Miss Universe 2005 Natalie Glebova, 26. Paradorn's tennis career may have hit a slump, but he's still Thailand's most adored sports star. Over the years he has romanced a string of the country's most beautiful women - models, actresses and singers. All the beauties ended up with broken hearts as they failed to capture the handsome athlete.

Roll forward to 2005. Thailand hosts the Miss Universe competition and the winner is a Canadian beauty of Russian descent, Natalie Glebova. A popular choice, she announces that she adores Thailand. A few months later she appears at the Thailand Tennis Open on behalf of one of her sponsors, Singha Beer. Congratulating Paradorn on his victory in the quarter finals, she pecks him on the cheek.

And the country goes wild. All the gossip columns start speculating: Could she be the one? It seems inconceivable that a foreigner has scooped up the country's most eligible bachelor, the dashing hero in every Thai girl's dreams. But, seeing Natalie won the Miss Universe title in Thailand, she is almost half-Thai, isn't she? The reports flow in: Natalie has moved to live in Thailand, the couple are seen hand-in-hand at a nightclub, they go on holiday to Bali together, she is seen with his parents, etc, etc. The rumour mill goes wild when she is spotted with an enormous diamond ring.

Is it an engagement ring? Has she really won him over? The answer is announced at a press conference at the five-star Sukhothai Hotel in April last year. His proud parents - who reportedly put an end to an earlier romance with Thailand's singing sensation Tata Young - appear with the couple. And to prove just how they value their new daughter in law, they unveil to the hundreds - yes, hundreds - of reporters (and live TV coverage) that the family have given her the Thai name Piangfah and the nickname Fah.

But, even more importantly, they lay out their gifts to the former beauty queen, a diamond necklace and earings worth a staggering 13 million baht (about R3,5 million). The cameras go wild....and Thailand's gasps with admiration. This is the real proof that she has done it.

The couple were duly married at Bangkok's most expensive hotel, the Oriental (where else) and they remain way out on top of the country's celebrity A-list. She continues her publicity work for Singha beer and together they have been promoting a new upmarket Bangkok housing development. Says Paradorn: "This feels right. We share the same passions and really understand each other." And who said fairytales don't come true...

* Watch the wedding video on You Tube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rk0jLZkvEuM), with comments in Thai by a Bangkok ladyboy, who is a leading fashion fundi.

Get ready for air rage

It had to happen. No longer are we going to be safe from the scourge of cellphones in the sky; Emirates airline has announced that it will allow passengers to use their mobile phones during flights. Can you imagine it? An aircraft has been the last bastion of freedom from the annoying "ear-rings" that people can't seem to spend a minute without.

And, of course, you know where the cellphone addict will be sitting on the plane? Yes, right next to me. And when this 'pain in the ear' is not chatting away, screaming with laughter at jokes I cannot hear, they will be sending SMS's or testing out their ring tones. Now that can REALLY drive one mad!

The first call was made on Thursday 13 March 2008 on a flight from Dubai to Casablanca. The airlines says that the response has been very enthusiastic. I'll bet it is, but only from the damn cellphone addicts. Of course, people have been able to make calls from seat phones for years, but having to swipe a credit card across the handset before each call has a dampening effect on callers. No such luck with cellphones, I'm afraid.

The airline says that only five or six calls will be allowed at any one time (how the hell will they do that?) and passengers will be encouraged to switch their phones to silent / vibrate mode when used in the aircraft (oh, yeah...)

Do Emirates, the overly-innovative airline from the Middle East, realise what they are doing? By facilitating the world's first inflight mobile telephone service, they have opened the door to a new breed of air rage. Drinks will tossed over callers, air bags shoved over their heads and some even smothered with miniature pillows.

Don't believe me? Well, consider this survey that was done among airline passengers to find out the three things that would annoy them most during a flight. Unsurprisingly, 67% of passengers claimed that the use of cellphones would be a huge irritant and believed it would be even worse than sitting next to a smelly, over-amorous or obnoxious passenger.

Here is what passengers said they would find most irritating:
78% The person behind knocking your seat
69% The person infront reclining their seat
67% Mobile phone use during a flight
53% Smelly passengers
18% Obnoxious passengers
10% Passengers leaving the toilets in a mess
3% Other passengers music/games
1% Overly chatty passengers
1% Overly amorous passengers

So, enjoy your flights for the next few months. And, when you finally board a "cellphone-abled" fllight and feel air rage building up, don't do anything stupid. Find something to relax you...or give me a call.

Fool's Gold

Many men come to Thailand to find the girl of their dreams. On their first visit, they can't believe the wonderworld they find themselves in. The Thai girls are extremely beautiful - believe me when I say that photographs do not do them justice. And they are among the kindest, sweetest, gentlest people on the globe.

However, as the man is bound to discover on successive visits, the chances of meeting a mate for life in a gogo bar, massage parlour or a karaoke bar are extremely slim. If the man is in it for a bit of fun and is happy to reward his 'girlfriend' handsomely, it is a match made in heaven for an hour, a week or even a few months. But if he is looking for love, he is stepping into a minefield.

Of course, there are exceptions. First, let me state the obvious - but it's worth stating; the vast, vast majority of Thai women are not looking for foreign husbands or lovers. They wouldn't dream of hitching up with one, especially not for money. The second point - and just as obvious - is that there are many foreigners who marry Thai women, have children and live happily ever after.

But let's just say that in the tourist bar zones this is not the norm. Lovely Nong or Ping is out to make some money, and she is happy to share her time with a kind-hearted stranger. And, if she been in the bars for more than a few years, she will have picked up a few 'tricks of the trade' to boost her earnings.

The stories are legendary and are documented in a number of books on the topic. They all have the same basic theme - silly middle-aged foreigner falls for beautiful young Thai girl, spends all his money on her and then she bids him a not-so-tearful farewell (or he runs for the hills before his money runs out). The faster she can get him to part with the money, the quicker she can move on to the next gullible loveseeker.

Here are some of the phrases that will inevitably crop up during the course of this love tryst (with the truth in brackets):
- I no mobile phone. I want phone you everytime. You can buy me one? (= If it's an expensive model, I'll keep it and give mine to my brother)

- I sad, mamma very sick. She go hospital. You can help me? (= My Thai boyfriend needs money to pay gambling debts)

- I no go out to disco. All my friend have gold. I no gold. I shy. (= Pay up, darling. No money, no honey)

- I go hospital and have good news. We have baby. (= Let's hope he believes this one. Will he get all cuddly or pay up and run?)

- Please send money. I no work bar anymore. I only go with you. (I already have four men sending me money, but five is better)

- We can go look shopping centre. I like look people. ( = I love shopping when a rich foreigner is paying)

- My brother have problem with police. You can help, pleeeez. (= My boyfriend has been gambling again)

- I no like Thai man. He drink too much, want money, no good. (= I don't like foreigners, they drink too much and never give enough money)

- I must go temple, pray Buddha (My boyfriend wants to see me)

I could go on and on, but the point of all this is to be able to recount the scene I observed on Patong beach a while back. A 40-something foreigner (who looked like a banker) was arguing with his 20-something Thai girlfriend (who looked like an angel) on the beach lounger next to me. The dispute was about love and money, the only two things that really count, of course.

"You no love me, you think I love you money and gold. You no understand. I love you. I not love gold." She pointed to the shiny necklace, bracelet and rings on her fingers. Unfortunately, the jaded lover seemed immune to the outburst and I could see this affair was headed for the rocks.

Then she did the unimaginable. She took off her jewellery, walked to the water's edge and tossed it all into the sea. "You see, I no care gold. I care you," she screamed, bursting into tears. The horrified lover seemed shell-shocked, but then took her into his arms and began calming her down.

I was anything but calm. The jewellery must have been worth at least 50,000 baht (1,500 US dollars). I ordered my Thai friends to rush into the sea and get their hands on the discarded booty. But they remained unmoved. "Relax," they said, patting me as if I was a young child. I was about to head for the waves myself, when one knelt down and explained the situation: "That not gold, she not put gold in sea, she put copy. She keep gold in room."

The penny dropped. Clever little Nong had simply replaced all her gold jewellery with cheap copies on sale in the street markets. Then she had engineered the scene on the beach so that she could make the ultimate sacrifice - throw away her gold jewellery to prove her love for her 'handsome man'.

I don't need to tell you what happened next. Yes, our handsome man managed to stem the flow of tears with a solemn promise to replace all the jewellery she had lost. A smile broke through the tears: "We go shop, okay. Thank you, thank you. You very good man."

And that's how clever little Nong managed to double her gold holdings - and extend the romance - during one afternoon's work on the beach. Amazing, amazing Thailand.

The grandest hotel in the world

I have seen many grand hotels in my time - the Savoy in London, the Plaza in New York, Raffles in Singapore, the Lost City at Sun City, the Venetian in Las Vegas....but nothing prepared me for the splendour I found in Chiang Mai, Thailand.

The Mandarin Oriental Dhara Dhevi Hotel was built by a Thai businessman in a bid to recreate and preserve the best of Thai architecture. What he created, costing a fortune, is the most splendid, lavish hotel I have ever had the pleasure of visiting. Built around a rice paddy on the outskirts of this charming city in northern Thailand, it is truly beyond description.

I had the opportunity to have lunch there with my friends, Charmain Naidoo, visiting from Port Elizabeth, and Tanit Pinisirodom, who owns a guesthouse in Phuket. We dined at the Lanna Grand restaurant, a restaurant located in a teak mansion just outside the main gate to the hotel. Most people never get a chance to go beyond the gates, but Tanit had arranged through a hotel contact that we be allowed to visit.

We were transported around in two horse-drawn carriages, and while we were not allowed to go inside any of the rooms, what we did get to see was truly awesome. The hotel is spread over huge grounds, but, like all really good hotels, manages to retain an intimacy, reinforced by the friendly greetings from all the staff.

I hope you get a feel of the hotel from these pics. Otherwise take a look at hotel's website. It does not fully convey the opulence of the place. The only way to grasp this is to stay there. I am confident that one day I will booking into a villa there. The price is not really that bad, with rooms starting from 16,000 baht, that's around 500 US dollars.

Charmain has promised to take me there when she comes into her millions one day (and I am sure she will). Otherwise, will one of you please win the lottery and then join me at the Mandarin Oriental for a few days of leisure and pleasure. Of course, the bill will be yours.

A surprise from the past

I often look at the plots of novels and wonder how on earth they dreamt up such unlikely tales. But, of course, life is often stranger than fiction. My life, and that of my family, recently took a strange and unexpected turn which is worthy of a novel.

A man from the Eastern Cape contacted me by email in Thailand and asked me whether I was the same Peter Malherbe who lived in Komga and had a sister named Jacqueline. He said he would like to communicate with me. I replied immediately saying this was indeed the same person who once marched through the hallowed halls of Komga Secondary School.

Then came the news. The man said he believed that my sister was his birth mother and that he was given up for adoption on birth. He had been adopted by a loving family and was now a married church pastor. All he wanted was more information about his mother and possibly a photograph of her.

He was born in June 1977, which makes him 30 years old. And it means that my sister, Jackie, was 19 at the time of his birth. She passed away two years later. At the time I would have been in the army, and I had absolutely no idea that she had been pregnant. Neither did my brothers. Our parents had kept it from us.

It was the strangest feeling communicating with a family member that I never knew existed. I wonder if he looks like Jackie? He will meet with my family shortly and he will get a picture of his mom. I am glad that he was able to contact us and that we are able to tell him about his mother. He seems to be a really nice guy and I am sure Jackie would have been very proud of him.

I had actually heard about the case about 10 years ago, when I was contacted by a social welfare worker who made some queries around this possibilty, but had not given further details and there was no contact.

A strange aside is that our family comes from a long line of religious ministers, and my dad preached in the Methodist Church. With my brothers and I choosing other careers, it seemed as though this tradition had ended. Well, now we know that it hasn't, really. Jackie's son is a preacher.

I hope that I will be able to meet him when I am back in South Africa on holiday. It may sound odd, but it's a rather nice feeling that some part of Jackie lives on in her son. Isn't life strange?