Fool's Gold

Many men come to Thailand to find the girl of their dreams. On their first visit, they can't believe the wonderworld they find themselves in. The Thai girls are extremely beautiful - believe me when I say that photographs do not do them justice. And they are among the kindest, sweetest, gentlest people on the globe.

However, as the man is bound to discover on successive visits, the chances of meeting a mate for life in a gogo bar, massage parlour or a karaoke bar are extremely slim. If the man is in it for a bit of fun and is happy to reward his 'girlfriend' handsomely, it is a match made in heaven for an hour, a week or even a few months. But if he is looking for love, he is stepping into a minefield.

Of course, there are exceptions. First, let me state the obvious - but it's worth stating; the vast, vast majority of Thai women are not looking for foreign husbands or lovers. They wouldn't dream of hitching up with one, especially not for money. The second point - and just as obvious - is that there are many foreigners who marry Thai women, have children and live happily ever after.

But let's just say that in the tourist bar zones this is not the norm. Lovely Nong or Ping is out to make some money, and she is happy to share her time with a kind-hearted stranger. And, if she been in the bars for more than a few years, she will have picked up a few 'tricks of the trade' to boost her earnings.

The stories are legendary and are documented in a number of books on the topic. They all have the same basic theme - silly middle-aged foreigner falls for beautiful young Thai girl, spends all his money on her and then she bids him a not-so-tearful farewell (or he runs for the hills before his money runs out). The faster she can get him to part with the money, the quicker she can move on to the next gullible loveseeker.

Here are some of the phrases that will inevitably crop up during the course of this love tryst (with the truth in brackets):
- I no mobile phone. I want phone you everytime. You can buy me one? (= If it's an expensive model, I'll keep it and give mine to my brother)

- I sad, mamma very sick. She go hospital. You can help me? (= My Thai boyfriend needs money to pay gambling debts)

- I no go out to disco. All my friend have gold. I no gold. I shy. (= Pay up, darling. No money, no honey)

- I go hospital and have good news. We have baby. (= Let's hope he believes this one. Will he get all cuddly or pay up and run?)

- Please send money. I no work bar anymore. I only go with you. (I already have four men sending me money, but five is better)

- We can go look shopping centre. I like look people. ( = I love shopping when a rich foreigner is paying)

- My brother have problem with police. You can help, pleeeez. (= My boyfriend has been gambling again)

- I no like Thai man. He drink too much, want money, no good. (= I don't like foreigners, they drink too much and never give enough money)

- I must go temple, pray Buddha (My boyfriend wants to see me)

I could go on and on, but the point of all this is to be able to recount the scene I observed on Patong beach a while back. A 40-something foreigner (who looked like a banker) was arguing with his 20-something Thai girlfriend (who looked like an angel) on the beach lounger next to me. The dispute was about love and money, the only two things that really count, of course.

"You no love me, you think I love you money and gold. You no understand. I love you. I not love gold." She pointed to the shiny necklace, bracelet and rings on her fingers. Unfortunately, the jaded lover seemed immune to the outburst and I could see this affair was headed for the rocks.

Then she did the unimaginable. She took off her jewellery, walked to the water's edge and tossed it all into the sea. "You see, I no care gold. I care you," she screamed, bursting into tears. The horrified lover seemed shell-shocked, but then took her into his arms and began calming her down.

I was anything but calm. The jewellery must have been worth at least 50,000 baht (1,500 US dollars). I ordered my Thai friends to rush into the sea and get their hands on the discarded booty. But they remained unmoved. "Relax," they said, patting me as if I was a young child. I was about to head for the waves myself, when one knelt down and explained the situation: "That not gold, she not put gold in sea, she put copy. She keep gold in room."

The penny dropped. Clever little Nong had simply replaced all her gold jewellery with cheap copies on sale in the street markets. Then she had engineered the scene on the beach so that she could make the ultimate sacrifice - throw away her gold jewellery to prove her love for her 'handsome man'.

I don't need to tell you what happened next. Yes, our handsome man managed to stem the flow of tears with a solemn promise to replace all the jewellery she had lost. A smile broke through the tears: "We go shop, okay. Thank you, thank you. You very good man."

And that's how clever little Nong managed to double her gold holdings - and extend the romance - during one afternoon's work on the beach. Amazing, amazing Thailand.

The grandest hotel in the world

I have seen many grand hotels in my time - the Savoy in London, the Plaza in New York, Raffles in Singapore, the Lost City at Sun City, the Venetian in Las Vegas....but nothing prepared me for the splendour I found in Chiang Mai, Thailand.

The Mandarin Oriental Dhara Dhevi Hotel was built by a Thai businessman in a bid to recreate and preserve the best of Thai architecture. What he created, costing a fortune, is the most splendid, lavish hotel I have ever had the pleasure of visiting. Built around a rice paddy on the outskirts of this charming city in northern Thailand, it is truly beyond description.

I had the opportunity to have lunch there with my friends, Charmain Naidoo, visiting from Port Elizabeth, and Tanit Pinisirodom, who owns a guesthouse in Phuket. We dined at the Lanna Grand restaurant, a restaurant located in a teak mansion just outside the main gate to the hotel. Most people never get a chance to go beyond the gates, but Tanit had arranged through a hotel contact that we be allowed to visit.

We were transported around in two horse-drawn carriages, and while we were not allowed to go inside any of the rooms, what we did get to see was truly awesome. The hotel is spread over huge grounds, but, like all really good hotels, manages to retain an intimacy, reinforced by the friendly greetings from all the staff.

I hope you get a feel of the hotel from these pics. Otherwise take a look at hotel's website. It does not fully convey the opulence of the place. The only way to grasp this is to stay there. I am confident that one day I will booking into a villa there. The price is not really that bad, with rooms starting from 16,000 baht, that's around 500 US dollars.

Charmain has promised to take me there when she comes into her millions one day (and I am sure she will). Otherwise, will one of you please win the lottery and then join me at the Mandarin Oriental for a few days of leisure and pleasure. Of course, the bill will be yours.

A surprise from the past

I often look at the plots of novels and wonder how on earth they dreamt up such unlikely tales. But, of course, life is often stranger than fiction. My life, and that of my family, recently took a strange and unexpected turn which is worthy of a novel.

A man from the Eastern Cape contacted me by email in Thailand and asked me whether I was the same Peter Malherbe who lived in Komga and had a sister named Jacqueline. He said he would like to communicate with me. I replied immediately saying this was indeed the same person who once marched through the hallowed halls of Komga Secondary School.

Then came the news. The man said he believed that my sister was his birth mother and that he was given up for adoption on birth. He had been adopted by a loving family and was now a married church pastor. All he wanted was more information about his mother and possibly a photograph of her.

He was born in June 1977, which makes him 30 years old. And it means that my sister, Jackie, was 19 at the time of his birth. She passed away two years later. At the time I would have been in the army, and I had absolutely no idea that she had been pregnant. Neither did my brothers. Our parents had kept it from us.

It was the strangest feeling communicating with a family member that I never knew existed. I wonder if he looks like Jackie? He will meet with my family shortly and he will get a picture of his mom. I am glad that he was able to contact us and that we are able to tell him about his mother. He seems to be a really nice guy and I am sure Jackie would have been very proud of him.

I had actually heard about the case about 10 years ago, when I was contacted by a social welfare worker who made some queries around this possibilty, but had not given further details and there was no contact.

A strange aside is that our family comes from a long line of religious ministers, and my dad preached in the Methodist Church. With my brothers and I choosing other careers, it seemed as though this tradition had ended. Well, now we know that it hasn't, really. Jackie's son is a preacher.

I hope that I will be able to meet him when I am back in South Africa on holiday. It may sound odd, but it's a rather nice feeling that some part of Jackie lives on in her son. Isn't life strange?