Lust in the Library

Don't ask the people of Phuket about their compatriots from Nakhon Sri Thammarat, a provincial city about three hours travel away. They will mutter under their breath about 'dark skins' and then, inevitably, spit out the word: mafia. Yes, the good folk of 'Nakhon' have a rather very poor reputation among their island brothers.

Apparently, it harks back to the days when settlers from the less wealthy Nakhon moved to Phuket in a bid to get a slice of the tourist dollar. The people of Phuket were not that charmed at accommodating the financial desires of their brothers from the mainland. But the Nakhon heavyweights were not going anywhere, so they banded together to ensure their survival. Thus their reputation of being a little thuggish was cemented in the minds of the locals. They took over small sectors of the Phuket economy and everybody settled down again.

These days it's a little hard to tell who's from Nakhon as dark-skinned Thais from all over the country have descended on the island. But they are still around: and their reputation lingers.

However, it seems that while the seamier side of Phuket has quietened down under the onslaught of families and wealthy couples, things have been swinging back home. Two recent reports in the Thai media suggest that NST may not be a quiet backwater.

First came the tale of lewd goings-on in the local library. Apparently lustful teenage couples have been 'doing their thing' between the rows of books. It came to a head on February 1 when parents held a meeting calling on the authorities to take action. One parent, who works opposite the library, testified that he often saw students, aged 13 to 15, courting at the library and then engaging in sex. They were often still dressed - or partly dressed - in their school uniforms.

Said the outraged man, Khun Witthaya: “I and other parents have seen children openly engaging in sexual intercourse – with no shame whatsoever. We were embarrassed to see it and had to take a detour round it.”

A 55 year-old worker at the libary said that the horny youths were in fierce competition with each other to grab the best spots on the second floor of the library. They showed no regard for people visiting the library for study purposes. "Staff have warned the youths about their behavior many times, but staff can’t be at all points in the building at all times," said one librarian.

As a result, the furniture and lighting has been re-arranged to make the second floor less attractive as a love nest and truancy officers will be on the lookout for copulating couples. Half-dressed offenders will be dragged home to their parents and reported to the school authorities.

The second report casts a dark shadow over Nakhon's temple, Wat Suan Pam. Apparently three monks there were using their dormitory as a makeshift disco over the weekends. News of the temple disco leaked when neighbours told the police that they had seen monks leading a number of young girls into the temple late at night.

The police sprang into action. At first all they could find was a funeral wake, which was taking place at the temple. Then they heard some noise from the direction of the sleeping quarters - the distinct thump of techno music. Peeping through a crack in the door, a wide-eyed cop spotted three young monks and three young girls The police pounced. The girls dived onto the bed in a bid to hide, but the drunk monks could only stumble around.

The cell was set up like a mini-karaoke bar with a coloured lightings system, speakers, a VCD player with microphone, a computer and eight X-rated movies. The officers counted 13 beer bottles and two wine coolers. Clearly a fun time was being had.

Unfortunately the young monks - one aged 21 and the others 18 - were immediately defrocked by the abbot. Two girls, aged 15 and 18, were handed over to their parents, while a 20-year-old was photographed for police records.

So, if things get any more exciting in NST, the hefty taxi drivers and moneylenders from Nakhon now living in Phuket may well be tempted back home. It certainly sounds more exciting than island life.

Hello Sri Lanka

I am writing this on the island of Sri Lanka, formerly known as Ceylon, the land of lush tea plantations, Dutch forts and untouched tropical beaches. And, yes, I am aware that there's a civil war going on. I have read the travel warnings about visiting the country. A day after I arrived there was a bomb down the road in the capital, Colombo and there are roadblocks everywhere. But it's still reasonably safe for visitors. The Sri Lankan government and the Tamil Tigers have been battling away for more than two decades, so it hardly makes sense to delay a trip to the country because of civil unrest.

For those who know South Africa, Sri Lanka reminds me of the KwaZulu Natal North Coast: not Umhlanga with its luxury holiday homes and genteel society, but more like Tongaat and Stanger. It's bustling and busy and hot and humid.

The tourist industry has suffered as a result of the violence (and the tsunami three years ago), but it still lures adventurous holidaymakers and those who prefer an un-packaged destination. And, believe it or not, I find this one of the most peaceful places on earth. It's my second visit to this lovely country and both times I have been overcome by a feeling of total calm and inner peace. I know it sounds almost mystical, but there is something about Sri Lanka that touches me deep down in my soul.

A guide book I read described Sri Lanka is a gentler, kinder version of India. Well, I have never been to India, but this is enough of an assault on the senses. There's not much prettiness around. Buildings are ramshackle, the cars battle and wheeze their way down clogged roads and the smells and signs of poverty are everywhere. But, despite it all, it is all rather charming in a faded colonial sort of way. And I feel totally at home.

Once again, I am staying in a magnificent guesthouse in Negombo, which is an extraordinary refuge from the streets outside. Behind high walls lies a world of five-star service and stunning design. From the airconditioned comfort of my bedroom I look out over a shimmering swimming pool, with palm trees and a hammock gently swaying in the wind.

Each day I set off for a stroll down to the beach. As I tramp along the sandy road, I pass houses in various states of disrepair, tiny shops packed with cheap trinkets and an open-air snooker hall, where everyone stops playing to say hello. It's that kind of place. The restaurants on the main road may look rundown and even grotty at times, but everyone is friendly, the prices are dirt cheap and the fare surprisingly delicious.

My favourite spot is Le Dolce Vita, which is a rather grand name for a 'pastry and tea' shop attached to a one-star boarding house. But the owner is a friendly chap, the food fresh and tasty and the view of the beach is great. The park at the end of the beach is where one finds all the action. With very few tourists, most of the swimmers are Sri Lankan and the facilities cater for them. A steam train (made entirely from old coke cans) provides children's rides on a small circular track, a pony stands idle awaiting customers and a rickety old pick-up advertises Elephant - Sri Lanka's Finest Ice Cream. I have a cone (well, two) for only 10 rupees and am finally coerced by a disabled vendor into buying a silver necklace for 500, that's five dollars.

There's little to do at night, so I tend to head for bed early and get a long night's rest. In the morning I know there's a slap-up breakfast waiting for me: a cup of the finest Ceylon tea, bacon and eggs, a basket of toast and a platter of freshly cut fruit. What a way to start the day.

Good morning, lovely Sri Lanka.

Fried Chicken with Herpes

I celebrated my 49th birthday in Krabi with my friend But and his family. At the last minute, I had an extra companion for the trip. Fred Hagemann from Johannesburg had mixed up his flight details - and ended up with an extra day's holiday! So he came along for the ride and then left on his flight to South Africa via Singapore the next day.

Krabi is situated on the mainland of Thailand, across the bay from Phuket. Although it's not too far by boat or as the crow flies, it takes about 2-3 hours by road. We rolled into town in my pick-up and checked into the City Hotel in Krabi Town. We usually stay in Ao Nang, which is a holiday resort about 15kms from Krabi Town. While Ao Nang is very touristy, with hundreds of resorts, restaurants and bars, Krabi Town is a rather sleepy provincial town only frequented by Thai families and backpackers, lured by the low rates.

At this time of the year Ao Nang is horribly overpriced, as the Scandanavians and Germans swarm in. The resort where I usually stay for 1000 baht a night costs 3800 baht over this period. A good hotel will cost around 200 US dollars right now. In contrast, the neat and friendly City Hotel will only set you back 750 or 900 baht, really good value. And as it is located opposite the night market and only a half-block from river promenade, it's right in the centre of all the action there is.

I loved it. Most of the action takes place on the pavement outside the hotel. Sitting on the steps of the 7-Eleven store next to the entrance one can spend hours watching the locals come and go. Two shops down is a 24-hour liquor store, used by all the karoake bars and pubs to stock up as the night progresses. Everyone is very friendly and the market across the road has everything you could possibly need in terms of food, drink and cheap clothing. And all of this comes at incredibly low 'local' prices.

That night we went to dinner at a Thai restaurant on the outskirts of the town. What an amazing place. We sat outside in a garden setting, with fountains, bridges and palm trees. Checking out the menu, we came across an amazing dish - fried chicken with herpes! Fred and I were hysterical, finally deciding that the herpes meant herbs.

One often finds funny translations on English signs in Thailand. However, my favourite one represents a misunderstanding more than a mistake. Someone obviously had the idea to take advantage of the trend towards everything eco-friendly with their brand of bottled water. However, the name they chose, GREEN WATER, failed to boost sales.

While we were there, Fred and I did our "eco-friendly" bit with a boat ride down the river which runs through Krabi. It is flanked by a huge mangrove forest and with huge limestone cliffs surrounding the town, is a spectacular sight. However, at one point he took us into the forest, where we were surrounded by trees. Suddenly we noticed the monkeys - hundreds of them, with the most evil looks on their faces. The boatmen threw out a few bananas for them to squabble over, but they never stopped staring at us with the fiercest-looking eyes and twitching mouths. It was a terrifying sight and I was most relieved to leave them behind.

So, it was "Happy Birthday to Peter" in lovely Krabi. Next year I will be 50 - so you can expect a big, big party.... I am busy planning. Watch this space.