When it comes to status symbols, what do you think my Thai friends rate tops? That, is apart from being closely related to a military general or the prime minister, which trumps everything. Could it be the latest BMW? A condominium in Bangkok? A degree from Yale or Harvard? Or a wardrobe full of Dolce and Gabbana outfits?
Oh, no. The one thing that can lift your image into the stratosphere is to have the very latest mobile phone. Before anyone else, even before it hits the local outlets. Only then will you truly have made it.
Jokes aside, the latest phone is a must-have if you want to be taken seriously. I have learnt that, in the world of certain status-seeking Thais, nothing defines you more than the latest Nokia or Samsung. You'll be the envy of your friends, desperately trying to hide their six-month old models in their fake Gucci bags.
It doesn't matter if you can't afford any airtime and the phone can only be used to receive calls. No-one cares, having the phone glued to your ear is all that counts.
While many of the foreigners hold onto their old-model phones and have the attitude that 'a phone's just a phone', that is certainly not the case here. The Thais can tell the price of any phone you care to mention. They know every ringtone available on the planet and there isn't an accessory that they haven't tried. Certainly, a few diamond studs can make a phone just a little more alluring.
If you are starting to doubt my words, let me tell you a story. When I started working, I had to open a new bank account for my salary deposit. So I went off to the Patong branch of Siam Commercial Bank and asked to open a new account. I ended up at a desk with a young Thai women in her early 20's writing down my particulars. Her English was rudimentary, but we managed to painstakingly go through the basics; name, address, visa number, work permit details, etc, etc.
Then there was a section for monthly earnings. It had different check boxes for 0-5,000 baht, 5,000-10,000, 10,000-20,000 and so on, the last category being 50,000+ (around R12,000). Without asking me, she ticked the 0-5000 baht section. I was a little startled, but started wondering if it was in US dollar currency or per week.
When a manager came over to check that the form had been filled in correctly, he seemed startled by my meagre earnings and asked me: "Excuse me, sir, is this correct?", pointing at the 0-5,000 baht category. As sweetly as possible, I showed him the correct one.
He swung round and, in Thai, asked the girl to explain. Her reply: " But look at his phone!" One look at my three-year-old Nokia was enough for her to confirm that this farang (foreigner) was on the skids. It was inconceivable to her that anyone with access to more than 5000 baht wouldn't rush out and buy a new phone.
This obsession seems to have spread throughout the society. It's not uncommon to see a motorcycle taxi driver or a gardener earning 5000 baht a month pull out a 15000 baht cellphone. And no businessman would dare head for a meeting without a phone that takes emails and connects to the Internet. If you've got it, you've gotta flaunt it. And, please, please, please, don't even think of giving your girlfriend (or boyfriend) your old phone when you buy the latest one. Are you crazy? Who would want that old thing? On the scale of insulting your loved one, you have hit the jackpot.
I have tried to lend my old phone to Thai friends who have lost theirs, but they would not accept my kind offer. Most certainly, they would rather not have a phone than be seen with an old, cheap model. Mind you, when your Western status symbol (a Porsche or Renault cabriolet) is at the service station, would you like business associates or school friends to see you driving past in a borrowed bashed-in, doorless old VW beetle?
When a phone is important to your image, you need to make sure it is seen, so you can't be shy about answering it in company. Oh, no, you gotta take those calls. Just remember, only cheap phones actually ring. Any half-decent model plays the latest hit song instead. If you don't receive a call, don't despair. Whip it out and start taking photographs. What, your phone doesn't have a camera? Throw it in the bin - now!
The only advantage of having an outdated version of one of the very cheapest phones Nokia ever built is that it is completely safe - no-one would dream of stealing it. So, it's the best insurance around. You'll be thought of as a cheapskate or a pauper, but you'll always have a phone to call home - if you can afford the call, that is.
