Sail away in style

'The real beauty of Phuket is in the sea around it,' an old expat told me when I first came to the island. And he was partly right. Phuket is beautiful in its own right, but the islands dotted around the Andaman Sea are truly breath-taking.

I have long dreamt of chartering my own boat for a few days and setting sail, stopping off in idyllic bays to snorkel and swim. The boat would be an old fashioned schooner, but fitted out with all the modcons. There would be huge, comfortable double bed, a fully-stocked bar with loads of ice and a barbecue grill on board.

I would have a crew to run the boat and serve me whatever my heart desired. Days would be spent relaxing on deck or exploring new coves and deserted beaches. Evenings would be for lying on the deck and staring at the stars or paddling ashore to hang out at a beach bar. What a life that would be!

Well, I have discovered that my dream is not beyond reach. While I was on the beach the other day I saw the boat of my dreams glide by. A suntanned couple standing in the bow of the boat waved at me with a smug smile on their faces. Lucky bastards, I thought. Luckily, I had the presence of mind to jot down the name of this extraordinary boat. The next day, back at work, I started finding out how I could lay my hands on it. As luck would have it, the boat can be chartered for trips around Phuket and beyond. It sleeps six people comfortably (with more on the deck) and, believe it or not, even has a 10-seater jacuzzi.

The boat is named the Merdeka. A traditional Indonesian Phinisi vessel, it has seven sails and a diesel-powered engine. It comes with a Thai captain and two crew members, plus an optional masseuse. There are two double cabins with aircon, two bunk beds and two bathrooms. A huge deck not only accommodates the jacuzzi, but also has loads of space to lie out under the sun or stars. What more could one want?

There's only one little problem. It's not that cheap. Not too expensive, mind you, but still an extravagance. Out of season (May-Nov), the boat costs 510 Euros per day (that's R5100) and in peak, peak season, that rises to 800 Euros per day (thats R8000). However, that does include the crew, all running costs and three meals a day with unlimited coffee, tea, water and soft drink. You bring along your own booze (by the case, I would guess!) and you are also provided with an inflatable dinghy and all snorkelling equipment.

I've planned my trip already. It will last four days and three nights, Day One will be spent in the Phang-Nga Bay area, Day Two along the coast of Krabi and Day Three checking out the Phi Phi Islands. On Day Four, I will sail back to Phuket, all tanned and relaxed and handsome. I am sure I can swing a discount, but the rough cost works out at around 100 Euros per person per day (that's R1000 a day). That's with five people on board. Anyone interested? Would be fun, wouldn't it?

The monk and the massage lady

Blackmail is not unknown in the Land of Smiles, but the startling case involving an 82 year-old monk has got the nation chattering away. This was no ordinary temple monk, but an abbot at Wat Sainoi in Nothaburi, the most revered temple official in the province. And, of course, the matter had something to do with sex.

According to the local papers, an official from the Department of Civil Aviation approached the abbot on 26 December. The abbot would have thought nothing of the polite wai (greeting) offered, as he is used to dealing with high-ranking politicians and government officials.

But the aviation commander wasn't there to seek a blessing or offer a donation to the temple. Rather, he had something to sell, a video casette disc (VCD). And, at four million baht (R900,000), it wasn't going cheap. The official claimed the VCD showed the abbot in the throes of passion with a middle-aged woman. As monks are forbidden for fornicating, this would make the tape rather valuable in the wrong hands.

The commander was quick to explain that he was not involved in taping the incident. Rather, he had come across someone selling the VCD in the town and, in a desire to protect the good name of the abbot, had bought it for four million baht.

Of course, he was now seeking to be recompensed by the temple.

After the abbot called the temple director to assist him with the negotiations, the aviator decided to lower his price to two million baht. Suspecting blackmail, the temple director decided, perhaps somewhat short-sightedly considering the material on the VCD, to call the local police station.

When the cops arrived, the aviator tried to escape in his car, but he was caught. After questioning, the police released him with the promise of more questioning later, but held onto the VCD as evidence.

Of course, the police have viewed the recording very carefully. And word is that it does indeed show the elderly monk having sex with a middle-aged woman in his room at the temple.
The 20-minute VCD apparently begins with the woman hiding the camera with a view of the bedding in the unsuspecting abbot’s room and then sitting waiting for the man to arrive. After a 10-minute massage, she removes her clothes and they have sex.

Police believe the woman's massage techniques were such that they suspect she is a professional and they are scouring local massage parlours to find her. They will be performing thorough searches, I am sure.

The aviator has been charged with blackmail and should appear in court soon. The monk is also likely to face disciplinary measures from the temple, as those who have watched the tape say that he did not appear to be drugged and was participating fully in the sex romp. At 82 years old, that's quite a feat.

No copies of the tape are yet available on the black market in Pattaya or around Patpong in Bangkok. I'll keep you posted.