What's that crawling up your leg?

Ever heard the horror tales of how they used to treat wounds in the old days with leeches? I remember hearing about some adventurers, perhaps in the Amazon jungle, who had applied these bloodsuckers to their injuries to heal them. Sounds awful.

Well, how about using maggots for medicinal purposes? Can you imagine any possible circumstance that would warrant you sticking a few maggots into a wound? Well, wonder no more. Maggot therapy has emerged as the latest health craze in marvellous Pattaya, the coastal mega-resort on the coast close to Bangkok.

The Bangkok Hospital Pattaya, a very upmarket respected institution, claims the larvae do a perfect job of healing wounds by eliminating dead cells. Apparently, active cells are not destroyed as the enzyme produced by the maggot only affects dead cells and bacteria. After only one session lasting a few days, the wound is perfectly clean and on the road to recovery.

I am not joking. The wound-healing maggots are produced in a laboratory and are described as 'surgically sterile'. The number of maggots used depends on the severity of the wound, a small cut on the finger will only warrant 5 or six of the creepy crawlies, while a severe injury to your leg that could lead to bone infection may demand 500-600 of them.

Now, I don't know about you, but I am going to have to be pretty severely injured to let a doctor drop a few hundred maggots into my body for a day or two. The publicity material from the hospital assures potential customers that the little larvae will even get rid of the 'nasty smell that comes from necrotic wounds'. Ooooh, yuck.

And just in case you think this superb therapy is a bit whacky, the hospital has come up with a great publicity line. Maggot healing, according to the press release, " is undoubtedly for the lovers of natural therapy, but must be administered by a doctor".

So, don't think you can go 100% natural and do your own thing with some crawlies harvested off a rotten piece of meat. Oh, no, you'll need to be under the supervision of a team of doctors in a first-class hospital. Preferably the Bangkok Hospital Pattaya, where a luxury suite can cost you just a tad more than a beachfront hotel down the road.

Oh, amazing, amazing Thailand, you just gotta love it!

Put away those Euros!

It's the time of the year when Phuket changes from a charming, peaceful island to a madhouse filled with sunburnt revellers desperate to have a jolly good time in paradise. For those of us who live here, eke-ing out a living on meagre earnings and pensions, it's a nightmare. Hordes of tourists pour onto the island with bulging wallets and bursting with enthusiasm, dying to overpay for everything and ruin the market for the rest of the year.

At first it's not bad seeing one or two new faces, but when it becomes 200,000 new faces, one can get just a little bit tetchy. Our peaceful and happy-go-lucky existence goes down the drain and we become grumpy and hostile. By the time New Year has dawned, we start dreaming of injecting laxatives into their coconut cocktails or sending them off into the jungle strapped to elephants.

The first thing one notices is the traffic. The main tourist area, Patong Beach, is always busy and there's a fair chance of being caught up in a traffic jam there. But the area where I live and shop, Chalong, is fairly quiet throughout the year. One can always find parking outside restaurants, banks and close to the beach. Then, like a door being opened on November 1, the nasties arrive. All dollied up in their cotton shorts, peak caps and skimpy bikini tops, they actually believe they have a right to rent a motorbike or Jeep. For goodness sake, can't they stick to the taxis? Not only do they clog up the roads, driving with maps in hand and forgetting to signal, they steal our parking bays and fill shopping centre carparks.

I'm afraid I just can't understand these holiday types. They come here to enjoy the beach and catch a nice suntan. But do you think they stay on the beach, broiling in the sun and buying cheap nicknacks from the cheerful vendors? No, they go shopping in our malls. But don't think they sit down in their hotel restaurants and fill up their pale bellies. No, they decide to go shopping for groceries (just like back home, can you believe?)

By the time they hit the supermarkets they are not interested in the Thai pastries, curry powders and local sweets to take home. No, they are starving, so they head straight for 'our food' - the speciality breads, cheeses, pastramis and imported biscuits, the things we love and treasure like gold.

And, once they spot the cinemas, you can be sure that you won't be able to buy a ticket for the next four months. Don't they have movies at home? It's not like we have the very latest releases here, so why do they have to clog up the cinemas? Do they really have to travel thousands of kilometres to watch a bloody film that was showing at home before they left? Are they crazy?

Mind you, if they stayed in the malls and cinemas all day and night it would still be acceptable. We would know where they were. But, no, they think its fun to experience some 'local culture'. And that means shopping in the markets where the Thai people (and us) shop.

And that's where things turn really nasty for the expats. Those of us who live here know that being a foreigner means that we should knock 60-70 percent off any price demanded. Even if one speaks fluent Thai, you are still likely to be charged 25-30 percent more than the going price. So, we don't bargain, we just slash the price to a realistic level and it's a case of 'take it or leave it'.

Then along come lovely Helmut and Heidi (or Pierre and Veronique), armed with more Euros than sense. They happily snap up crummy photo 50-baht photo albums for 800 baht ("for holiday photo, big bargain, sir") and low grade silk sheets at 10 times their its real price ("be careful you not slide off bed, madam!"). They titter like lovebirds when they get a free plastic shopping bag emblazoned with palm trees ("we'll keep this for Betty, she'll love it").

By the time we get back to the market to buy a plastic plate or a bunch of bananas, the cheeky sellers are demanding a few hundreds Euros for each (" no dollar, pleez, dollar no good").
I could go on, but I am sure you have got the gist of it. We can't do much more than grin and bear it, but we always have the last laugh.

Come the end of April, the last chartered jet will take off from Phuket Airport packed with fake Gucci bags and silver chopsticks and we will have our lovely island to ourselves again. It will take a while for the prices to settle down, but soon everyone will forget what a 100 Euro note looks like and the free drinks will start coming out again. Long live Phuket!

Granny is off to Mecca

Wednesday was a big day for the family of my friend But. His Granny was off on her pilgrimage to Mecca. And that meant a big send-off at the airport, a day of great celebration for all relatives and friends. As I understand it, all Muslims should try to get to Mecca at least once before they die. Now was Granny's turn.

Despite all the odds being against her, the little old lady from a small village in the Phang Nga area had managed to raise 150,000 baht (about 4400 US dollars) for the trip to Saudi Arabia. She would be travelling with a big group of pilgrims from the Muslim-rich southern part of Thailand. Over the past few months the entire family had been scrambling to find the money. It's a huge sum for most Thai people. Most ordinary workers out of the major tourist areas earn around 5,000 baht a month, and most of that has to go on day-to-day expenses, so saving a sum like this requires huge dedication.

My friend But contributed 10,000 baht, as did his brother who works for Thai Airways. His parents and other brothers gave lesser sums, and steadily the amount in the kitty rose. I think one aunt, who owns a furniture store in Krabi and has the only vehicle in the family, probably had to dig deep into her pockets to finally reach the required total.

Anyhow, a few weeks back But asked me if he could borrow my pick-up truck to help transport the family to Phuket International Airport for the big farewell. As I would be leaving for Bangkok on the Tuesday, I was happy to agree and do my bit for this family event. En route to the airport to catch my flight, I got a glimpse of what a big occasion it was. Another flight to Mecca was obviously leaving that day.

A huge area next to the airport, which usually functions as sports fields and parade grounds, was totally packed with vehicles, literally hundreds and hundreds of pick-ups and cars. Huge tents had been erected and people were picnicking and serving food and drinks. I was amazed, as I had never expected it to be such a big event.

On Wednesday, But and his family were up at 4am for the trip from Krabi to Phuket Airport (a two-hour drive). Granny was only departing in the afternoon, but much time was needed for the farewell celebrations. He tells me that there were even more people there for the Wednesday departure. His family, dressed to the nines, took along big pots of food and a great outing was had by all.

In the end, Granny had been a little nervous about the flight, as she had certainly never seen the inside an aeroplane in her long life. In theory, it had all been exciting, but actually being confronted by the airport and the big planes shooting off into the sky had proved to be rather intimidating. But had added to the tension by explaining that the aircraft go "much, much faster than the fastest car", getting his own back on her for constantly chiding him if he travelled much over 70kms in my pick-up.

She will no doubt be the one to brag when she arrives back in a few weeks time. But tells me there will be a welcome-back celebration much the same as the departure party, so I guess my pick-up will become a taxi once again. Naturally, I don't mind and am happy to do my bit for something so important in their lives.

As I write this, Granny must be facing her first few days in Saudi Arabia with the millions of pilgrims from all corners of the globe. A friend of mine who works in Jeddah said this annual event is so huge it is mind-boggling. I just hope that the Thai pilgrims have an incident-free and safe time in the land so very, very far away. And let's hope they especially good care of one bent-over lady with thick glasses from a village in Phang Nga. There's a group of people here who can't wait for her to come home.

Shoe drama ends

The shoe emergency is over. Last night two pairs of spanking new size 13 slip-slops arrived in Phuket on a flight from Hong Kong.

Within hours, I was sporting my new footwear - and it felt like I was walking on the clouds! The shoes were brought over from South Africa by my friend, Larry, who found them in a shop in Somerset West, Cape Town. Apparently, the factory in Port Elizabeth that makes the outsize slip-slops that I love has closed down. Larry found 8 pairs in the CT shop and bought two, so that I could see if they fitted (size 15 is my normal size).

I am delighted to report that they fit perfectly, so when he gets back to South Africa he will rush to the store and buy their remaining stock. A big thanks to all those who have gone out in search of shoes for me. I now have details of stockists from Durban, Johannesburg and Cape Town to check out.

Long live the slip-slops!

My phone is my Ferrari

When it comes to status symbols, what do you think my Thai friends rate tops? That, is apart from being closely related to a military general or the prime minister, which trumps everything. Could it be the latest BMW? A condominium in Bangkok? A degree from Yale or Harvard? Or a wardrobe full of Dolce and Gabbana outfits?

Oh, no. The one thing that can lift your image into the stratosphere is to have the very latest mobile phone. Before anyone else, even before it hits the local outlets. Only then will you truly have made it.

Jokes aside, the latest phone is a must-have if you want to be taken seriously. I have learnt that, in the world of certain status-seeking Thais, nothing defines you more than the latest Nokia or Samsung. You'll be the envy of your friends, desperately trying to hide their six-month old models in their fake Gucci bags.

It doesn't matter if you can't afford any airtime and the phone can only be used to receive calls. No-one cares, having the phone glued to your ear is all that counts.

While many of the foreigners hold onto their old-model phones and have the attitude that 'a phone's just a phone', that is certainly not the case here. The Thais can tell the price of any phone you care to mention. They know every ringtone available on the planet and there isn't an accessory that they haven't tried. Certainly, a few diamond studs can make a phone just a little more alluring.

If you are starting to doubt my words, let me tell you a story. When I started working, I had to open a new bank account for my salary deposit. So I went off to the Patong branch of Siam Commercial Bank and asked to open a new account. I ended up at a desk with a young Thai women in her early 20's writing down my particulars. Her English was rudimentary, but we managed to painstakingly go through the basics; name, address, visa number, work permit details, etc, etc.

Then there was a section for monthly earnings. It had different check boxes for 0-5,000 baht, 5,000-10,000, 10,000-20,000 and so on, the last category being 50,000+ (around R12,000). Without asking me, she ticked the 0-5000 baht section. I was a little startled, but started wondering if it was in US dollar currency or per week.

When a manager came over to check that the form had been filled in correctly, he seemed startled by my meagre earnings and asked me: "Excuse me, sir, is this correct?", pointing at the 0-5,000 baht category. As sweetly as possible, I showed him the correct one.

He swung round and, in Thai, asked the girl to explain. Her reply: " But look at his phone!" One look at my three-year-old Nokia was enough for her to confirm that this farang (foreigner) was on the skids. It was inconceivable to her that anyone with access to more than 5000 baht wouldn't rush out and buy a new phone.

This obsession seems to have spread throughout the society. It's not uncommon to see a motorcycle taxi driver or a gardener earning 5000 baht a month pull out a 15000 baht cellphone. And no businessman would dare head for a meeting without a phone that takes emails and connects to the Internet. If you've got it, you've gotta flaunt it. And, please, please, please, don't even think of giving your girlfriend (or boyfriend) your old phone when you buy the latest one. Are you crazy? Who would want that old thing? On the scale of insulting your loved one, you have hit the jackpot.

I have tried to lend my old phone to Thai friends who have lost theirs, but they would not accept my kind offer. Most certainly, they would rather not have a phone than be seen with an old, cheap model. Mind you, when your Western status symbol (a Porsche or Renault cabriolet) is at the service station, would you like business associates or school friends to see you driving past in a borrowed bashed-in, doorless old VW beetle?

When a phone is important to your image, you need to make sure it is seen, so you can't be shy about answering it in company. Oh, no, you gotta take those calls. Just remember, only cheap phones actually ring. Any half-decent model plays the latest hit song instead. If you don't receive a call, don't despair. Whip it out and start taking photographs. What, your phone doesn't have a camera? Throw it in the bin - now!

The only advantage of having an outdated version of one of the very cheapest phones Nokia ever built is that it is completely safe - no-one would dream of stealing it. So, it's the best insurance around. You'll be thought of as a cheapskate or a pauper, but you'll always have a phone to call home - if you can afford the call, that is.

Inside a gogo bar

Visitors to Thailand are often intriqued as to what exactly goes on in the infamous gogo bars and how the 'system' works. Very few Thais feel inclined to explain this in great detail and many farangs (foreigners) will either plead ignorance or begin their answers with: "I've never been to one, but I believe....."

Well, I have frequented gogo bars and am quite happy to explain the ins and outs of the industry. Thailand's gogo bars first gained notoriety during the Vietnam War era, when word spread of the bars where lovely girls wriggled up and down poles in order to seduce their customers. Many of the poles have disappeared from the bars, but the modus operandi remains the same.

The girls dance in shifts on the stage, usually located in the centre of the bar. They are usually dressed in skimpy bras and panties and sometimes wear high boots or high-heels to enhance their stature. They usually have numbers pinned somewhere on their skimpy outfits.
Customers sit around drinking expensive drinks, eyeing the girls on stage. If one takes their fancy, they can ask the 'mamasan' (the bar manager) or one of the waiters to ask a girl to sit with him. He usually identifies her by her number. When she is seated, the customer is obliged to buy a drink for her (she will usually end up with a watered-down Coke at the price of a glass of champagne). The cost will be added to his bill, which is usually placed in a small holder in front of him.

If, after a short discussion and a close and personal discussion, he is not interested in pursuing this relationship, he is expected to give her a small tip of 100-200 baht for sharing some time with him. She will return to the stage and he is free to select another damsel who catches his eye.

However, if he and the girl hit it off, he will ask her if she would like to accompany him to his hotel or a short-time room. She will nearly always agree (unless she has another booking or really finds him objectionable). The mamasan or waiter is told of the deal, and a "bar fine" of 200-400 baht (R45-90) is added to the bill. The rationale for this is that the bar needs to recompensed for losing one of its dancers for the night!

While they were seated together, the customer may or may not have discussed his particular requirements for the evening and a price for these services with the lady, but there will be a 'going price' which regulars will know. This price remains a secret to first-timers and the ignorant and will only be brought up if the customer pays anything less. The hope, of course, is that the lusty and rich customer pays way over the regular rate (anything from 1000 baht to 2500 baht).

Many people find gogo bars very sad and unsettling. Some of them are, especially if the girls look too desperate for a customer or are just shuffling around on stage disinterestedly. However, many of the more upmarket bars can be entertaining for customers and, sometimes, for the girls as well.

Note: The gogo bars are not the same as the "ping pong" bars, in which artists perform extraordinary acts with ping pong balls, coke bottles and cigarettes. These bars are frowned upon by virutally everyone in Thailand and the few that remain are mostly rip-off joints. Avoid them - they really are depressing.

If you do visit a gogo bar, you should always remember that these girls are not always here by choice. Many are doing this line of work to support their families. They are nice, decent girls and many dream of one day being able to settle down with a husband and children. The least you can do is treat them with kindness and respect.

Likewise, you need to remember that love is not for sale here. It is very easy to fall for seductive charms and tall tales that are solely aimed at easing more money out of your wallet. The "rich foreigner loses everything to Thai girl" stories abound and, although they seem insane, most of them are true.

There are also male gogo bars, and, although, far fewer than the lady bars, operate in exactly the same manner. Most of the customers are Western and Asian men, but an increasing number of Asian women are frequenting these bars.

However, the number of gogo bars overall is declining in favour of so-called "bar beers" (beer bars) throughout Thailand. Here the girls sit around the bar in ordinary clothes (usually jeans and revealing tops) and chat up customers. The atmosphere is generally more relaxed and friendly, and the girls are often very entertaining and aces at the various bar games. If you and a girl strike up a friendship, though, you will probably still have to pay the bar a "fine" or "off fee". And so the business goes on.

Waiter, there's a fish in my TV

Can you imagine dining out in a restaurant where the tables are set on platforms in an ancient tree? Can you picture yourself digging into a delicious curry while live fish swim around inside old TV sets and a miniature train speeds past on its circular route between the tables? Yes, there is such a place. It looks like a museum for the world's most amazing bric-a-brac, but it is a real, live restaurant. And it's one of my favourite spots in Phuket.

The name of this totally bizarre restaurant is Thammachat (rough translation: The Natural). It is located in a small street in Phuket Town, just down the road from a Chinese temple, and has been there for decades. Many of the tables are old Singer sewing machines (the ones with the pedal that your granny used to have), so you can pedal away for exercise as you fill your tummy. A family-run business, it is always packed with locals enjoying a night out and expats and holidaymakers who have found out about it.

The food is delicious and the prices are excellent. An average meal will set you back about 150 baht (around R35). You can bring along your own booze or buy a bottle there. It will be set up on a drinks trolley with ice and mixers. One of the waiters will be in attendance, topping up the glasses and making sure everyone is well supplied with all the food and drink their heart desires.

Some of our favourite dishes here are a mouth-watering red duck curry, delicious beef massaman curry and chicken with cashew nuts. The dishes come with a big bowl of rice, which is placed in the centre of the table for people to top up their plates. The menu also boasts delicacies such as bird and frog, but we have yet to venture down that path. For dessert, there is nothing to beat fresh, sliced mango served with sticky rice and a coconut sauce.

The frozen fruit shakes are simply the best - my favourite being coconut and lemon. But the runaway winner among farangs (foreigners) is always the watermelon shake. One taste and you are hooked.

Whether you sit downstairs (at the root of the tree) or upstairs on one of the platform levels, you will be surrounded by the most amazing souvenirs and bric-a-brac which has accumulated over the years. Hanging from the ceiling, from the balconies, fans and walls, it ranges from traditional Thai farming implements to cheap and tacky national symbols from a host of countries. The Brits and Norwegians have done a good job of keeping their flags flying, but I have yet to spot something from South Africa.

So, if you have a plastic Union Buildings that lights up and plays Die Stem, a traditional Zulu shield or an old Springbok rugby jersey, there is a 'natural' home for it in Phuket. I will make sure it gets a prime spot in this wonderworld of kitsch.

* The Natural Restaurant (Thammachat) , 62/5 Soi Phutorn Bangkok Road, Phuket Town, 83000 Thailand Phone: (66) 076.224.287

The buffalo and the lottery

Like elsewhere in the world, the lottery is a big thing in Thailand. There are only two draws a month and the excitement and drama of choosing a lucky number results in some fascinating tales. The end-October draw was no exception. This time it was all about a half-human buffalo. I kid you not.

This week villagers in Srisaket’s Khun Han district have been flocking to pay their respects to the body of a buffalo calf. According to the local believers, this animal had what looked like a human face. But that's not all - it had the ability to transmit the winning numbers for the lottery draw.

As dutifully reported in the local newspaper, the calf died soon after birth, but not before its' owners noticed that it looked like a person. The farmers - whose names mean Smile and Think - said it had human-like nose, mouth and ears. Its legs were spreadeagled, resembling a sleeping person. However, without thinking more of it, they buried the corpse in a field.

That night the farmer's wife had a dream and her ancestors told her from beyond the grave that she should dig up the calf and conduct a religious ceremony for it. The calf was exhumed and the ceremony was duly performed.

But word had spread about this amazing animal and villagers flocked to catch a glimpse of it as it lay in "state" in the farmer's house. People brought flowers and money. Others dusted it with powder and asked the calf to make a lucky number appear in their mind so that they could win the upcoming lottery. And, due to some lucky gamblers, a legend was born.

Not everyone was a believer, though. A senior monk from the local temple, was reported to be "dubious" about conducting a Buddhist ritual around the rotting corpse of a buffalo. "Nowhere in Buddhist canon is there anything about the need to pay respects to animal ," the monk allegedly said. “The Buddhist people of Srisaket should not be gullible. I would like to remind them that it is best to conduct their lives in strict accordance with the teachings of the Buddha.”
That's all and well, but in this small village the tale of the half-human buffalo will live on for many generations and remain another legend of how to dream up a lucky number for the lottery.

My home in Chiang Mai

This week I have been in Chiang Mai, Thailand's Rose of the North, and that means I am taking advantage of one of the country's best bargains - a lovely hotel where you can stay in luxury for a pittance. The Viangbua Mansion is truly a gem when it comes to affordable accommodation.






Just imagine it - a lovely big room with breakfast for only 900 baht a night (that's less than R200 for a room sleeping two people!) And, as you can see by the pictures here, the hotel is no budget affair. Rooms are large, with a separate seating area, a balcony with a view of the Doi Suthep mountains, satellite television, air conditioning, refrigerator, en-suite bathroom with hot shower and a (very firm) big double bed - or two singles. Security is excellent. An electronic key card gets you into your room - and is needed to activate the lift (which only takes you to the floor where your room is located).


And the staff are very friendly and hospitable and certainly treat regulars like old friends. They will advise you what to buy cheaply at the market next door, call a taxi for you, serve you coffee on the terrace overlooking the street (even when the coffee bar staff are off-duty) and teach you a word or two of Thai. They are genuinely nice and certainly not just doing it for a tip!







You can book directly with the hotel. The 900 baht a night rate even includes rates and taxes and breakfast for two! If you stay a week, the rate goes down to 800 baht a night. Whatever way you look at it, it represents incredible value. And the hotel, which also has serviced apartments for monthly hire, does not rip you off with the extras. The mini bar prices are the same as the nearby Seven 11 outlet, with a can of Coke at 15 baht (about R3,50). You can order room service from the restaurant at amazingly low prices.

Here are some examples:
Fried rice with pork or chicken 30 baht
Fried rice with shrimps 40 baht
Rice with teriyaki pork 40 baht
Fried rice noodles with pork or chicken 35 baht
Freshly brewed coffee 25 baht
Cuppacino 30 baht
Bottle of Singha beer 30 baht
Bottle of Heineken beer 38 baht
Coke 12 baht
All the above are priced less than R10 (45 baht at current exchange rates).

The eight-floor hotel is located out of the city centre area, but in a lovely part of town with a big Thai market next door and close to many bars and nightspots. It is near one of the local universities, so there are plenty of young people around, keeping the area lively till all hours of the night. Nearby is a great outdoor garden bar and a fabulous restaurant (which also sells antiques) built around a Buddhist shrine.







The hotel also has a big parking area, a gym, a coffee bar and wireless internet access. Check it out on http://www.viangbuamansion-chiangmai.com/

The sad tale of my slip-slop

The heavy rain over Phuket this week has claimed its latest victim: one of my slip-slops. It happened on Saturday morning when I arrived at the airport to catch a flight to Chiang Mai. I parked my pick-up and then prepared to heave myself out of the cab. I always take off my slip-slops when driving (for obvious reasons), so the first thing I do is throw them down onto the tarmac and then wriggle into them. I noticed a little pool of water, but thought nothing of it. But just I threw put down my first slip-slop a torrent of water flowed out from under my car and swept it away.

I leapt out and tried to find it under the surrounding cars, but my beloved right slip-slop was gone. Now this may not sound like a big thing; But, in my life, this is a MAJOR disaster. You can't begin to imagine what a saga my slip-slops have been over the years. I wear a size 15, most Thais are size 5 or 6. So the chances of buying a pair here are beyond zero. So I have to import them from South Africa. However, its not that easy finding them in SA in the first place.

My latest pair came all the way from Port Alfred last year. My friend, Gary Timm, who is teaching in Taiwan, noticed the perilous state of my footwear while he was on holiday in Phuket. So he called on his mother in Port Alfred to help out. Bless her, Marj ordered a pair from the factory in Port Elizabeth and then, at great cost posted them to me in Phuket. They have served me splendidly, but, sadly, no more.

Amazingly, I had a weatherbeaten old pair in my suitcase, which saved the day. So for a week, I will be stepping out in Chiang Mai in most insubstantial footwear. Of course, I didn't bother to bring along any other shoes. I am tip-toeing around and treading very lightly, but if the worst happens and they fall apart, I may be arriving back at Phuket Airport barefoot. What a sight! Perhaps I could bind my feet in rags, like some ancient cave dweller.

My slip-slops have been an endless source of amazement and entertainment to many of the Thais I have met. They are agog when they see them and I can't tell you how many times I have slipped them off for some pint-size Thai to try on. They march around in the big flapping rubber soles, to the great amusement of their friends. They always equate them with a "boat", and often put both feet onto one and make paddling motions. Many have asked me to give them an old pair, but I usually wear them until they are totally shredded.

So, now the search starts for a new pair. My sister-in-law, Jenny, often comes up with a pair for Christmas (hint, hint), and my friend Marianna Smit is an ace at tracking down pairs at the Oriental Plaza in Johannesburg. And there's Marj in Port Alfred. It seems the Gods have signalled that I should go home for Christmas this year. So, if you spot a size 15 or 14 or even 13 pair of slip-slops in a shop somewhere, grab them. I will be grateful for life.

Our wonderful Miss Phuket

Have you ever seen anything like it in your life? Clearly, the monk in the picture hasn't. But the self-appointed Miss Phuket is one of a kind. You've just got to admire her. Once or twice a month she dresses up in her beauty queen regalia and strides up and down the beachfront waving to the crowds. The tourists are left open-mouthed, while the expats and the Thais have a good giggle.

She lives in Patong Beach and loiters in the Paradise area, where I used to live. No-one seems to know much about her, but there are plenty of stories. Some say she is rich and married to a foreigner and dresses up for fun, while others claim she is a bag lady, lives on the street, begs for a living and is quite 'ting-tong' (the Thai word for mad). One thing is for sure, she is no beauty.

I used to see her daily when I lived in Patong, now I run into her when I stop off at one of my favourite hangouts, Coffee World, opposite the Royal Paradise Hotel. Miss Phuket usually passes by at about 5pm. She shuffles along, carrying who-knows-what in plastic bags and often sits down on a little wall bordering a fountain for a rest. Most days she is in normal clothes. Mind you, she is always quite well dressed and the make-up is laid on thick.

But when she is in her Miss Phuket outfit, her personality changes and she strides regally down the pavement, with everyone scrambling out of her way. Her only friend seems to be a male cross-dresser who hangs out near the fountain. He is also quite a character. He is enormous, but wears skimpy tops that show his bulging belly and tiny mini-skirts. I used to think he was a woman, and was quite shocked to hear from my Thai friends that that he was a lady-boy, as they are usually tarted up to the nines.

Anyway, back to Miss Phuket. The story goes that her finest hour came two years back when the Miss Universe contestants were ferried into town for a photo shoot on the beach. The contest was being held in Bangkok. But seeing Phuket was desperate to dispel the negative images of the tsunami disaster, it was decided that pictures of the world's beauties prancing around on the golden sand would be a great idea. It would get the message across that the island was still a tropical paradise. All was going well, the girls were in their bikinis getting ready to pose for the photographers when guess who appeared from one of the alleys off the beach? Yes, our wonderful Miss Phuket! She had heard that the beauty queens were in town and she was not going to be denied her moment of glory.

For the organisers and Thailand tourism officials, it was a nightmare. As hard as they tried to get rid of her, the more determined she became to be part of the photographic event. This was her beach, after all. Of course, the girls were fascinated by this strange lady and the photographers had a field day snapping her with the real beauties. I wasn't there to witness this sideshow, but I believe the police were eventually called in to help her on her way. Well, good on the old gal, she turned a dull photo shoot into a real spectacle!

I have only witnessed one mini-drama involving the island's beauty mascot. One day as she was sitting at her normal spot on the fountain wall, one of the workers from the flea market nearby greeted her in Thai, referring to her as 'Auntie'. She was enraged. Jumping up, she started screaming blue murder and threatening him with all sorts of bodily harm. While the foreigners were all perplexed at this outburst, the flea market traders were hysterical. Clearly, she was nobody's 'Auntie' - she was a young beauty queen!

The next day she was back, looking out for the offensive worker. But to our disappointment - and hers, I'm sure - he wasn't around that day. After waiting for about an hour, she gathered all her bags and prepared to leave. Then, one of the guys working at an open-air seafood restaurant across the road yelled out: "Goodbye, Auntie". To our delight, she exploded again, hurling abuse at him across the traffic. She made our day.

So, please, the next time you are in Phuket, spend a few minutes in the Paradise flea market, which opens at around 4pm, and see if you can spot the 'young lady'. She is a real treat and one of Phuket's really special residents. Long may she reign!

The SA flag flies proudly in Thailand

2007 Rugby World Cup Final: South Africa 15 England 6

Yes, we won. What a wonderful night for all South Africans! I sat on the edge of my bed, draped in a white sheet, and watched every single minute on TV. It wasn't a beautiful game, and the last three minutes were the best. As the clock ticked down, I could finally heave a sigh of relief and celebrate by myself in my apartment. At 4am, mind you. I will admit that tears streamed down my cheeks as I watched the team lift the trophy. I had my SA flag flying from my balcony. I'm sure very few Thais thought anything of it - but I am sure it irritated my English neighbour!

I found watching the whole spectacle from a distance fascinating. The SA story is certainly an uplifting one - seeing Thabo Mbeki hugging the players, seeing the easy cameraderie between the players of different races, watching Nelson Mandela making his appearance at Montecasino, the excellent TV adverts... For once, it seemed the nation was finally united and one had a glimpse of what SA could be. It was a wonderful sight.

I couldn't wait for the Sunday Times to publish their front page on the web. As you can see on the right, they did a pretty good job. It captures the mood perfectly. I was also impressed by the Sasol adverts on TV, especially the World Champ ad that run shortly after the game (great faith, guys!) I thought the oversized Absa branding on the balcony that Madiba appeared on at Montecasino was less tasteful (and I was glad to see that footage used on the BBC and other channels made sure it was not visible).

But let's not gripe about anything. This is our day. Let's enjoy the victory and thank the boys in green and gold for making us all very, very proud to come from the tip of Africa.

World Cup fever!

Even though I am thousands of kilometres away, I can feel the World Cup fever building in South Africa. I would love to be there this weekend, just to enjoy the anticipation and the positive energy that must be flying around. And, of course, with that comes the fun. The Sunday Times secretary, Sandy, sent me this great pic on the left. If you don't understand Afrikaans, here is a rough translation: "Lovie, don't worry. I am at the rugby. Next week I will bring you the bread and milk and World Cup."

I had a good laugh. It's so South African! England and the English fans will be at the receiving end of many, many jokes in the next 48 hours. At least, unlike the Aussies, they can take it...

Here's one of the many jokes:

A little girl was sitting in her classroom in England when her teacher walked in and started talking about how proud she is to be English and how wonderful it is to be an England supporter. The teacher then asked everyone who supported England to put up their hand. Every hand in the class besides one went up. This surprised the teacher and so she asked the little girl why her hand wasn't up.

"Well," said the little girl, "because I don’t support England ."

Even more surprised, the teacher asked her who she supported. "I support the Springboks", she replied. Now a bit irritated, the teacher asked the little girl why she supported the Springboks. "My mom supports the Springboks, and my dad supports the Springboks, so I support the Springboks." The teacher looked at the little girl and with a smirk asked: "Well, if your mom was an idiot and your dad was an idiot, what would you be?"

The little girl looked up at her teacher, smiled and replied:

"An England supporter!"

Here's another one:

A group of England rugby fans die and - finally taking to heart the advice given to them by Springbok supporters - to go to hell.
The devil notices that they're looking rather happier than they should be, and asks why. They explain, "Compared to the English weather, we're enjoying the warmth."
So the devil thinks: "I'll fix them," and cranks up the heat. But the Poms just take off their shirts and drink even more lager than usual. "When the weather gets this good in England we can't bear to waste it," one says.
The devil decides to wipe the smile off their faces and turning the heat down to well below zero, but returns to find the Pom fans singing, "Swing low, sweet chariot" and partying with all their might.
Confused, he demands an explanation.
"If hell is freezing over, it must mean we're going to win the Rugby World Cup Final on Saturday."

Well. I will be ready with my braai at 2am on Sunday morning here in Phuket. I know that all of you will be joining me to moan and shout our way through 80 minutes of hell. I just hope we are smiling at the end....

Veggies and blood on the streets

It's the time of the year when Phuket goes veggie crazy. For nine days, most of the island takes part in the annual Vegetarian Festival. This year it runs until Friday 19 October. The festival started off as a Chinese religious celebration, but the Thais have embraced it and the odd farang (foreigner) also gets into the act. Of course, it also draws a significant number of tourists these days.

For the duration of the festival, participants wear white clothing, only eat vegetarian food, abstain from sex and alcohol and attend temple festivals. However, if you're imagining passive animal-loving people all happily chomping away on legumes and roots, you'd be mighty mistaken. The real drama of the festival is the blood and gore generated by the body-piercing and other amazing feats.

This is where you can see a man sticking a huge dagger through his cheek - or a knife through his tongue. Participants, who are ostensibly possessed by gods, pierce their bodies with metal spikes and rings. Going into a trance, they also climb ladders with rungs of sharp blades and walk barefoot across beds of burning coals. The belief is that the Chinese gods will protect such persons from harm. They apparently feel no pain and show little or no sign of real injury. I'm not so sure - but everyone does seem to have great fun. And the blood shows up beautifully on the white outfits.

It is a huge hit. The streets of Phuket Town, in the centre of the island, are packed with people celebrating this bizarre event. The traffic is a nightmare. In every town and village yellow flags indicate where vegetarian food is available. The dishes are not expensive and apparently they are very tasty. Some of them look just like meat dishes, but are made from tofu and protein substitutes. The best food is on offer at the six Chinese temples.

So, do you think I am participating in this glorious event? Not a chance. In fact, I am not eating a single vegetable this week, as I am back on my high proten diet. Strangely, last month I ate only fruit and vegetables for 24 days, but the weight loss was too slow for my liking. Of course, I may have overdone the rice and the pasta during my vegetarian fling. So, its back to meat, chicken and eggs for me.

The rebel in me delights in sitting down to a plate of lamb chops or devouring a chicken when everyone else is eating cauliflower curry. And I won't be expected to walk around with a pair of scissors through my nose either. Sorry, I don't mean to be cynical and supercilious. It really is a very interesting event and one of the nicest times to be in Phuket. Why don't you come out and see it for yourself next year?

Mr But and his football team

Anybody who has met my friend But will know that he is mad about football. He plays every day, and is a staunch supporter of Manchester United and Real Madrid. Now that he is spending a few months back in his home village in Krabi province, he has entered the big time - he has set up his own team!

A few days ago he told me that he was going to enter a team into a competition in his district. His two brothers, his friends and some stragglers would make up the 10 players he needed. They did not have a name yet, but that wasn't important, what they really needed was sponsorship.

Let me explain the financial implications of having a team. The most important thing is to be able to afford the kit, i.e. a new jersey and pair of shorts. They don't design a new jersey; they just take one of the existing club jerseys (i.e., Man U or Liverpool) and put their own branding and sponsors' names on it. The cost of a set of 10 jerseys (with the new branding) is 2900 baht in Krabi (that's around R700). Then it costs 1000 (R225) baht to enter a competition. This money is pooled and goes towards the prize money and the organisational costs.

Then there is a deposit of 500 baht (R110). Very cleverly, a set amount is deducted from this deposit every time the team receives a yellow or red card. This definitely encourages clean play, as the financial implications are immediate and affect the whole team. Whatever money is left from the deposit goes towards a team party after the tournament.

So the total cost of setting a team up for a competition is about 4400 baht, just over R1000. Not too bad, really. And the sponsor of the kit gets naming rights to the front of the jersey, with the back going to whoever puts up the entry fee and deposit. So you can get a team in Real Madrid jerseys with Golden Glow Hair Salon on the back of their jerseys, and Krabi Panelbeaters on the front.

Many of the sponsors in Phuket are bars where the players or their girlfriends work, so it's not unusual to have a team sponsored by Little Miss Cute Gogo Bar.

Anyway, by the time Mr But got around to looking for sponsors the three or so businesses in his district that could afford such an expense had already been snapped up. Of course, he turned to me, with the enticing prospect of having my name on the jersey. Can you imagine it: "Peter's Team" on the front and "Hello South Africa" or "The Expat Club" on the back? Our bar once sponsored a team he was playing in - The Star Bar Team. But, sadly, my budget didn't stretch to it this month.

All he needed at this stage was 1000 baht to secure the jerseys. What could he do? Certainly his family and friends do not have a spare 1000 baht floating around, so he decided to pawn his cell phone to secure the jerseys (Newcastle United colours this time) with their unique branding. The cell phone will be reclaimed and the other costs paid off at the end of the month when everyone is flush again. And that's how he has managed to set up his own team.

But's team will be in action on November 3 and 4, so I will no doubt travel to his village in Krabi for the big event (3 hours away). Hopefully, I will get pics of the momentous event, which will take place at the local school fields. Mr But will be a big shot. There will be a big turnout, with everyone from the surrounding villages supporting the local lads. And, of course, But's team will have a visiting superstar - a fat foreigner parked alongside the field in an air-conditioned Toyota pick-up. Wouldn't you just love to be there?

Rugby, rugby and more rugby

I have square eyes this morning. My whole weekend was taken up with the televised coverage of the Rugby World Cup. I know that all my friends back home would have been doing the same thing, but its a bit different out here when the games only start at 2am. And there's bugger-all biltong and no-one to rustle up a good braai in the backyard.

But I persevered. Not only did I watch the England-France game on Saturday night (well, Sunday morning) and the SA-Argentina game on Sunday night (Monday morning here), but I also managed to fit in the two Currie Cup semi-finals from South Africa. To celebrate this overdose of rugby, I went out and bought some lamb chops and burger patties (imported from Australia), so that I could try to keep up the braai tradition.

Well, if the 'manne from Loftus' could have seen my braai attempts, they would have burnt me at the stake. Although it felt good eating an Australian, it wasn't quite the same as back home. Where are my brothers when I need them? I did end up eating some grilled meat roasted to death on an electric grill that threatens to explode every few minutes, but it was touch and go all the way.

Seeing SA won their way into the World Cup Finals, you may think I enjoyed my television marathon. I can't say I did, my nerves couldn't take it. In the Sharks-Lions game, I wanted the Sharks to win. They lost. In the Cheetahs-Blue Bulls match, I was backing the Cheetahs. They won, but it was a really scrappy affair in the rain. Not great viewing.

And then onto the World Cup. I was speaking to my brother Chris, who is in Paris for the rugby, and we both agreed that the worst outcome would be South Africa losing to England in the finals. We both said we would rather lose to the Pumas in the semis than get to the final and lose to the Poms. Of course, despite my strong support, the French went and lost their damn semi-final. Trust them to let us down, especially after they slaughtered those damn New Zealanders.

I woke up at 2am to see the Boks playing (seeing it was a working day), but I could barely watch . I think I am getting too old to sit and watch a big game - my nerves can't handle it. So, I sat working at my laptop, occasionally sneaking a glance at the screen. Never mind the fact that we were always way ahead on points, I still had a terrible feeling we were going to lose. The fact is that the only time I really felt happy was when the final whistle went. That's no way for a sportslover to behave, is it?

Goodness knows how I will feel during the big game next Saturday. My only hope is that M-Net Supersport disappears from the cheap cable channel I subscribe to (we often lose channels without any notice). I think it would be far better overall not being able to see the game. Then I can sit and wait for the SA news websites to update me on the score or check out BBC-sport on the Internet. That way I won't feel the pain too badly if things go wrong.

However, I guess I will probably be in front of the TV glued to the screen, shouting instructions at the ref and the players. I wonder what the hell my neighbour thinks is going on. This is Thailand, so when he hears 'Up and under, you fool' or 'Get down on em, boys' or 'Swing it now', he may well imagine some really exciting goings-on. Well, good luck to him.

So, think of me sitting on the edge of my bed, wrapped in a white sheet, scowling at the screen. Let's just hope the Boks bring home the Cup. We deserve no less.

Questions and Answers

How did you end up in Phuket?

I came here on holiday. When the holidays started becoming more frequent, I started thinking that it might be a good idea to stay here for an extended period. I moved here for three months, then went back to South Africa for six months to make up my mind. Finally in October of 2002, I packed up my bags and moved to Thailand.

Do you ever regret it?

NEVER. I am happy and content - and what more could one ask for? Thailand is a wonderful, wonderful country and the Thai people are something special. Living on this island is like living a dream. I love it

Do you miss anything?

Of course. I miss my family and friends, but luckily many of them have been to visit. At times, when I catch Supersport or M-Net on TV I feel a little nostalgic. Like many expats, one often needs to talk to people who have a shared history (and understand how you feel about things), and visitors from SA serve that need. However, the thing I miss most is the MEAT. Many times I just ache for a roast leg of lamb or a good braai. The local meat is not great, and the Aussie meat we can buy is really not the same as back home.

Where do you live?

I spent the first five years in Patong Beach, which is the main tourist zone on the island, a crazy town filled with bars, restaurants, massage parlours, markets, etc - its a fantastic place to stay and I had a wonderful time there. But it has got really busy and I felt like a more ordered life, so I have moved to a little townhouse in an area called Chalong, about 20kms from Patong, close to work and some really nice beaches frequented mainly by locals and expats. I guess you could say I have become more of an expat than a 'long-stay holidaymaker' now.

Is it expensive?

Not really. It used to be much cheaper, but the island has developed enormously in the past five years and prices have risen. Also the exchange rate for the Rands I bring in is not good at all. However, when I look at the cost of living in SA, I guess it is about the same now. The rent for my one-bedroom townhouse is 8500 baht (which is around R2000 a month). A meal at a Thai restaurant costs the equivalent of R10, while a meal at a Western restaurant would cost about R70-R100. Cigarettes are about R12 a pack and a bottle of 100 Pipers Whisky about R80. I bought a big Toyota Vigo 4-door bakkie, which cost me 750,000 baht (which was around R120,000 at the time), great value.

Do you work?

Yes, I work for an international Internet hotel booking site, http://www.hoteltravel.com/, where I edit a travel magazine and newsletter which goes out to 400,000 subscribers every month. And I still do my travel column for the Sunday Times every week and other work for Johnnic. The biggest advantage of my job is that I work for three weeks and then have one week off. So I am free to travel around for 9 days a month.

Where do you travel on your week off?

I usually travel in Thailand, to Bangkok (a wonderfully exciting city), Pattaya (the unbelievable coastal resort that must be the sex capital of the world!) or Chiang Mai (a great city in the north of the country). I have been spending more time in Krabi, a coastal resort that is on the mainland across the bay from Phuket. Its relatively undeveloped and has incredible scenery. Its also cheap and relaxing. Of course, I also travel further and have been to Hong Kong, Kuala Lumpur, Singapore, Bali and Sri Lanka.

Didn't you own a bar?

Yes, a friend and I had a bar for a year in Patong, which was crazy fun. The bar was actually very successful and we had a good time. But when the rent was hiked we decided to call it a day. I was quite relieved actually because I don't really want to spend every night of my life in a bar. I don't regret it, though, it was an amazing experience.

So, what's the social life like?

Wonderful. I go to the beach a lot, dine out, have massages and enjoy island life. I spend less time in the gogo bars and the other fun places in Patong and am more than content to sit on the verandah of my friend's guesthouse in Patong and watch the world go by. Now that I live on the other side of the island, I have discovered many really nice places, but they are certainly more laid-back and casual than the places where the tourists go! One of the things I really like about living here is that in many respects it resembles a small town, with a real community feel, but has the facilities of a major city - it certainly runs 24 hours a day and you can find whatever you want anytime!!

Last year you broke your ankle. How's the foot doing now?

What a business that was. I slipped on the pavement as I was walking to my car at 6am - on my way to work! (believe it or not) - and my foot was just at the wrong angle. Luckily my friends here (and the many visitors from SA) took good care of me. I was going to have an operation, but the specialist decided to put my leg in plaster instead. That was a VERY difficult time - no swimming, no proper showers, everything was a struggle. It has taken a long time to heal, but is quite okay now. It will never be the same as it was, but I can walk around quite happily now.
What is the health care like there? Fantastic. We have two top international hospitals on the island. I use the Bangkok Phuket Hospital and the standards are exceptionally high. And its not really expensive. Many tourists come here specifically for medical treatment, like heart surgery and facelifts, etc. Bangkok has one of the top 'medical tourism' hospitals in the world, Bumrungrad Hospital, so I certainly don't worry about health care standards here.

Will you ever go back to live in South Africa?

Well, never say never. However, I think that if I was to move from Thailand, I would probably try out another part of the world. There are just so many other cultures and lifestyles to experience. I need that excitement in my life. Of course, when I am really old I may just yearn to be closer to my family and the other things that make South Africa my home. Until then, I am going to have as much fun as I can.