It's the time of the year when Phuket changes from a charming, peaceful island to a madhouse filled with sunburnt revellers desperate to have a jolly good time in paradise. For those of us who live here, eke-ing out a living on meagre earnings and pensions, it's a nightmare. Hordes of tourists pour onto the island with bulging wallets and bursting with enthusiasm, dying to overpay for everything and ruin the market for the rest of the year.
At first it's not bad seeing one or two new faces, but when it becomes 200,000 new faces, one can get just a little bit tetchy. Our peaceful and happy-go-lucky existence goes down the drain and we become grumpy and hostile. By the time New Year has dawned, we start dreaming of injecting laxatives into their coconut cocktails or sending them off into the jungle strapped to elephants.
The first thing one notices is the traffic. The main tourist area, Patong Beach, is always busy and there's a fair chance of being caught up in a traffic jam there. But the area where I live and shop, Chalong, is fairly quiet throughout the year. One can always find parking outside restaurants, banks and close to the beach. Then, like a door being opened on November 1, the nasties arrive. All dollied up in their cotton shorts, peak caps and skimpy bikini tops, they actually believe they have a right to rent a motorbike or Jeep. For goodness sake, can't they stick to the taxis? Not only do they clog up the roads, driving with maps in hand and forgetting to signal, they steal our parking bays and fill shopping centre carparks.
I'm afraid I just can't understand these holiday types. They come here to enjoy the beach and catch a nice suntan. But do you think they stay on the beach, broiling in the sun and buying cheap nicknacks from the cheerful vendors? No, they go shopping in our malls. But don't think they sit down in their hotel restaurants and fill up their pale bellies. No, they decide to go shopping for groceries (just like back home, can you believe?)
By the time they hit the supermarkets they are not interested in the Thai pastries, curry powders and local sweets to take home. No, they are starving, so they head straight for 'our food' - the speciality breads, cheeses, pastramis and imported biscuits, the things we love and treasure like gold.
And, once they spot the cinemas, you can be sure that you won't be able to buy a ticket for the next four months. Don't they have movies at home? It's not like we have the very latest releases here, so why do they have to clog up the cinemas? Do they really have to travel thousands of kilometres to watch a bloody film that was showing at home before they left? Are they crazy?
Mind you, if they stayed in the malls and cinemas all day and night it would still be acceptable. We would know where they were. But, no, they think its fun to experience some 'local culture'. And that means shopping in the markets where the Thai people (and us) shop.
And that's where things turn really nasty for the expats. Those of us who live here know that being a foreigner means that we should knock 60-70 percent off any price demanded. Even if one speaks fluent Thai, you are still likely to be charged 25-30 percent more than the going price. So, we don't bargain, we just slash the price to a realistic level and it's a case of 'take it or leave it'.
Then along come lovely Helmut and Heidi (or Pierre and Veronique), armed with more Euros than sense. They happily snap up crummy photo 50-baht photo albums for 800 baht ("for holiday photo, big bargain, sir") and low grade silk sheets at 10 times their its real price ("be careful you not slide off bed, madam!"). They titter like lovebirds when they get a free plastic shopping bag emblazoned with palm trees ("we'll keep this for Betty, she'll love it").
By the time we get back to the market to buy a plastic plate or a bunch of bananas, the cheeky sellers are demanding a few hundreds Euros for each (" no dollar, pleez, dollar no good").
I could go on, but I am sure you have got the gist of it. We can't do much more than grin and bear it, but we always have the last laugh.
Come the end of April, the last chartered jet will take off from Phuket Airport packed with fake Gucci bags and silver chopsticks and we will have our lovely island to ourselves again. It will take a while for the prices to settle down, but soon everyone will forget what a 100 Euro note looks like and the free drinks will start coming out again. Long live Phuket!
At first it's not bad seeing one or two new faces, but when it becomes 200,000 new faces, one can get just a little bit tetchy. Our peaceful and happy-go-lucky existence goes down the drain and we become grumpy and hostile. By the time New Year has dawned, we start dreaming of injecting laxatives into their coconut cocktails or sending them off into the jungle strapped to elephants.
The first thing one notices is the traffic. The main tourist area, Patong Beach, is always busy and there's a fair chance of being caught up in a traffic jam there. But the area where I live and shop, Chalong, is fairly quiet throughout the year. One can always find parking outside restaurants, banks and close to the beach. Then, like a door being opened on November 1, the nasties arrive. All dollied up in their cotton shorts, peak caps and skimpy bikini tops, they actually believe they have a right to rent a motorbike or Jeep. For goodness sake, can't they stick to the taxis? Not only do they clog up the roads, driving with maps in hand and forgetting to signal, they steal our parking bays and fill shopping centre carparks.
I'm afraid I just can't understand these holiday types. They come here to enjoy the beach and catch a nice suntan. But do you think they stay on the beach, broiling in the sun and buying cheap nicknacks from the cheerful vendors? No, they go shopping in our malls. But don't think they sit down in their hotel restaurants and fill up their pale bellies. No, they decide to go shopping for groceries (just like back home, can you believe?)
By the time they hit the supermarkets they are not interested in the Thai pastries, curry powders and local sweets to take home. No, they are starving, so they head straight for 'our food' - the speciality breads, cheeses, pastramis and imported biscuits, the things we love and treasure like gold.
And, once they spot the cinemas, you can be sure that you won't be able to buy a ticket for the next four months. Don't they have movies at home? It's not like we have the very latest releases here, so why do they have to clog up the cinemas? Do they really have to travel thousands of kilometres to watch a bloody film that was showing at home before they left? Are they crazy?
Mind you, if they stayed in the malls and cinemas all day and night it would still be acceptable. We would know where they were. But, no, they think its fun to experience some 'local culture'. And that means shopping in the markets where the Thai people (and us) shop.
And that's where things turn really nasty for the expats. Those of us who live here know that being a foreigner means that we should knock 60-70 percent off any price demanded. Even if one speaks fluent Thai, you are still likely to be charged 25-30 percent more than the going price. So, we don't bargain, we just slash the price to a realistic level and it's a case of 'take it or leave it'.
Then along come lovely Helmut and Heidi (or Pierre and Veronique), armed with more Euros than sense. They happily snap up crummy photo 50-baht photo albums for 800 baht ("for holiday photo, big bargain, sir") and low grade silk sheets at 10 times their its real price ("be careful you not slide off bed, madam!"). They titter like lovebirds when they get a free plastic shopping bag emblazoned with palm trees ("we'll keep this for Betty, she'll love it").
By the time we get back to the market to buy a plastic plate or a bunch of bananas, the cheeky sellers are demanding a few hundreds Euros for each (" no dollar, pleez, dollar no good").
I could go on, but I am sure you have got the gist of it. We can't do much more than grin and bear it, but we always have the last laugh.
Come the end of April, the last chartered jet will take off from Phuket Airport packed with fake Gucci bags and silver chopsticks and we will have our lovely island to ourselves again. It will take a while for the prices to settle down, but soon everyone will forget what a 100 Euro note looks like and the free drinks will start coming out again. Long live Phuket!
