Our wonderful Miss Phuket

Have you ever seen anything like it in your life? Clearly, the monk in the picture hasn't. But the self-appointed Miss Phuket is one of a kind. You've just got to admire her. Once or twice a month she dresses up in her beauty queen regalia and strides up and down the beachfront waving to the crowds. The tourists are left open-mouthed, while the expats and the Thais have a good giggle.

She lives in Patong Beach and loiters in the Paradise area, where I used to live. No-one seems to know much about her, but there are plenty of stories. Some say she is rich and married to a foreigner and dresses up for fun, while others claim she is a bag lady, lives on the street, begs for a living and is quite 'ting-tong' (the Thai word for mad). One thing is for sure, she is no beauty.

I used to see her daily when I lived in Patong, now I run into her when I stop off at one of my favourite hangouts, Coffee World, opposite the Royal Paradise Hotel. Miss Phuket usually passes by at about 5pm. She shuffles along, carrying who-knows-what in plastic bags and often sits down on a little wall bordering a fountain for a rest. Most days she is in normal clothes. Mind you, she is always quite well dressed and the make-up is laid on thick.

But when she is in her Miss Phuket outfit, her personality changes and she strides regally down the pavement, with everyone scrambling out of her way. Her only friend seems to be a male cross-dresser who hangs out near the fountain. He is also quite a character. He is enormous, but wears skimpy tops that show his bulging belly and tiny mini-skirts. I used to think he was a woman, and was quite shocked to hear from my Thai friends that that he was a lady-boy, as they are usually tarted up to the nines.

Anyway, back to Miss Phuket. The story goes that her finest hour came two years back when the Miss Universe contestants were ferried into town for a photo shoot on the beach. The contest was being held in Bangkok. But seeing Phuket was desperate to dispel the negative images of the tsunami disaster, it was decided that pictures of the world's beauties prancing around on the golden sand would be a great idea. It would get the message across that the island was still a tropical paradise. All was going well, the girls were in their bikinis getting ready to pose for the photographers when guess who appeared from one of the alleys off the beach? Yes, our wonderful Miss Phuket! She had heard that the beauty queens were in town and she was not going to be denied her moment of glory.

For the organisers and Thailand tourism officials, it was a nightmare. As hard as they tried to get rid of her, the more determined she became to be part of the photographic event. This was her beach, after all. Of course, the girls were fascinated by this strange lady and the photographers had a field day snapping her with the real beauties. I wasn't there to witness this sideshow, but I believe the police were eventually called in to help her on her way. Well, good on the old gal, she turned a dull photo shoot into a real spectacle!

I have only witnessed one mini-drama involving the island's beauty mascot. One day as she was sitting at her normal spot on the fountain wall, one of the workers from the flea market nearby greeted her in Thai, referring to her as 'Auntie'. She was enraged. Jumping up, she started screaming blue murder and threatening him with all sorts of bodily harm. While the foreigners were all perplexed at this outburst, the flea market traders were hysterical. Clearly, she was nobody's 'Auntie' - she was a young beauty queen!

The next day she was back, looking out for the offensive worker. But to our disappointment - and hers, I'm sure - he wasn't around that day. After waiting for about an hour, she gathered all her bags and prepared to leave. Then, one of the guys working at an open-air seafood restaurant across the road yelled out: "Goodbye, Auntie". To our delight, she exploded again, hurling abuse at him across the traffic. She made our day.

So, please, the next time you are in Phuket, spend a few minutes in the Paradise flea market, which opens at around 4pm, and see if you can spot the 'young lady'. She is a real treat and one of Phuket's really special residents. Long may she reign!

Questions and Answers

How did you end up in Phuket?

I came here on holiday. When the holidays started becoming more frequent, I started thinking that it might be a good idea to stay here for an extended period. I moved here for three months, then went back to South Africa for six months to make up my mind. Finally in October of 2002, I packed up my bags and moved to Thailand.

Do you ever regret it?

NEVER. I am happy and content - and what more could one ask for? Thailand is a wonderful, wonderful country and the Thai people are something special. Living on this island is like living a dream. I love it

Do you miss anything?

Of course. I miss my family and friends, but luckily many of them have been to visit. At times, when I catch Supersport or M-Net on TV I feel a little nostalgic. Like many expats, one often needs to talk to people who have a shared history (and understand how you feel about things), and visitors from SA serve that need. However, the thing I miss most is the MEAT. Many times I just ache for a roast leg of lamb or a good braai. The local meat is not great, and the Aussie meat we can buy is really not the same as back home.

Where do you live?

I spent the first five years in Patong Beach, which is the main tourist zone on the island, a crazy town filled with bars, restaurants, massage parlours, markets, etc - its a fantastic place to stay and I had a wonderful time there. But it has got really busy and I felt like a more ordered life, so I have moved to a little townhouse in an area called Chalong, about 20kms from Patong, close to work and some really nice beaches frequented mainly by locals and expats. I guess you could say I have become more of an expat than a 'long-stay holidaymaker' now.

Is it expensive?

Not really. It used to be much cheaper, but the island has developed enormously in the past five years and prices have risen. Also the exchange rate for the Rands I bring in is not good at all. However, when I look at the cost of living in SA, I guess it is about the same now. The rent for my one-bedroom townhouse is 8500 baht (which is around R2000 a month). A meal at a Thai restaurant costs the equivalent of R10, while a meal at a Western restaurant would cost about R70-R100. Cigarettes are about R12 a pack and a bottle of 100 Pipers Whisky about R80. I bought a big Toyota Vigo 4-door bakkie, which cost me 750,000 baht (which was around R120,000 at the time), great value.

Do you work?

Yes, I work for an international Internet hotel booking site, http://www.hoteltravel.com/, where I edit a travel magazine and newsletter which goes out to 400,000 subscribers every month. And I still do my travel column for the Sunday Times every week and other work for Johnnic. The biggest advantage of my job is that I work for three weeks and then have one week off. So I am free to travel around for 9 days a month.

Where do you travel on your week off?

I usually travel in Thailand, to Bangkok (a wonderfully exciting city), Pattaya (the unbelievable coastal resort that must be the sex capital of the world!) or Chiang Mai (a great city in the north of the country). I have been spending more time in Krabi, a coastal resort that is on the mainland across the bay from Phuket. Its relatively undeveloped and has incredible scenery. Its also cheap and relaxing. Of course, I also travel further and have been to Hong Kong, Kuala Lumpur, Singapore, Bali and Sri Lanka.

Didn't you own a bar?

Yes, a friend and I had a bar for a year in Patong, which was crazy fun. The bar was actually very successful and we had a good time. But when the rent was hiked we decided to call it a day. I was quite relieved actually because I don't really want to spend every night of my life in a bar. I don't regret it, though, it was an amazing experience.

So, what's the social life like?

Wonderful. I go to the beach a lot, dine out, have massages and enjoy island life. I spend less time in the gogo bars and the other fun places in Patong and am more than content to sit on the verandah of my friend's guesthouse in Patong and watch the world go by. Now that I live on the other side of the island, I have discovered many really nice places, but they are certainly more laid-back and casual than the places where the tourists go! One of the things I really like about living here is that in many respects it resembles a small town, with a real community feel, but has the facilities of a major city - it certainly runs 24 hours a day and you can find whatever you want anytime!!

Last year you broke your ankle. How's the foot doing now?

What a business that was. I slipped on the pavement as I was walking to my car at 6am - on my way to work! (believe it or not) - and my foot was just at the wrong angle. Luckily my friends here (and the many visitors from SA) took good care of me. I was going to have an operation, but the specialist decided to put my leg in plaster instead. That was a VERY difficult time - no swimming, no proper showers, everything was a struggle. It has taken a long time to heal, but is quite okay now. It will never be the same as it was, but I can walk around quite happily now.
What is the health care like there? Fantastic. We have two top international hospitals on the island. I use the Bangkok Phuket Hospital and the standards are exceptionally high. And its not really expensive. Many tourists come here specifically for medical treatment, like heart surgery and facelifts, etc. Bangkok has one of the top 'medical tourism' hospitals in the world, Bumrungrad Hospital, so I certainly don't worry about health care standards here.

Will you ever go back to live in South Africa?

Well, never say never. However, I think that if I was to move from Thailand, I would probably try out another part of the world. There are just so many other cultures and lifestyles to experience. I need that excitement in my life. Of course, when I am really old I may just yearn to be closer to my family and the other things that make South Africa my home. Until then, I am going to have as much fun as I can.

It's hell choosing a hotel

Once you decide to come to Thailand on holiday, you need to decide on a hotel. Well, you have an incredible choice.

I am often asked to recommend accommodation and give advice for a visit, but that is incredibly difficult. I probably know too much, so the options are endless. And, of course, it depends on your expectations and your budget.

In the holiday resorts, there is a HUGE difference in the prices for low season and high season (November-April). In places like Phuket you will pay at least 100% more... and sometimes up to three or five times the price you can get in the off season. So, be aware, that you won't be able to get any real bargains if you decide to come over the Christmas/New Year period.

As far as I am concerned, the seasonal surcharge is not really warranted. It does rain a little more in the low season and is a little hotter, but this does not justify the big difference in prices. The real reason for the big hike is that European travellers choose to come here during their winter. It's also winter here, but that means perfect weather!

While it will always be more expensive over the Christmas/New Year period, I think that the prices will level off as tourists from Asia and other regions of the world become more important. But, for the moment, the Europeans are paying through the nose to escape their icy winter.

Before you decide to book a hotel, do check out the packages which include hotels and flights. Sometimes you can get great value, although this is unlikely over the peak periods.

As for where to go, I think you should spend no more than three nights in Bangkok and then head for Phuket or Chiang Mai (or any of the other resorts that take your fancy). However, I honestly believe that Phuket is the best destination. It has the best beaches by far - and enough of everything else. It certainly is not over-developed - you will always find a quiet beach if that is what you want. Don't believe travel agents who tell you that it is out of fashion now and full of package tourists, and that you should choose less-developed islands like Koh Samui, Koh Lanta or Koh Chang. That's nonsense - Phuket remains the number one destination because it is still the best. Perhaps the other islands are paying a higher commission to fill their empty rooms. Phuket doesn't need to.

Let's start with hotels in Bangkok. I can only mention a few, so please post a comment below if you want information on a specific hotel you are offered. I know most of them, so will gladly pass on my view. Here are my favourites:

PENINSULA HOTEL - the most fabulous hotel, located on the river and with amazing faciities and service. Has been voted the top hotel in the world and regularly wins the best hotel in Asia. It is expensive, but is great value by international standards and a real treat. Cheaper alternatives are the Shangri-La across the river and the Hilton Millennium. Another good choice for families is the Marriott Riverside. These are all five star hotels and really give you a great feel for the best Bangkok has to offer. You can get a room at the Peninsula for about 250-300 US dollars a night.

SILOM SERENE - a comfortable three-star hotel in the heart of the Silom area, good value and within walking distance of the skytrain and shops, etc.

SIAM HERITAGE - a lovely Thai-style boutique hotel in the Silom-Suriwong area, which has a small pool on the roof and a great atmosphere. Very busy, vibey area, but quite close to the redlight Patpong area but this wont really bother you as you wont venture into that area by mistake! The hotel is an oasis and is really very well located otherwise.

BUDDY LODGE - a great little hotel in the Khao San Road area, which is backpacker territory. However, the hotel is very comfortable, cosmopolitan and safe. Great fun, exciting vibe and a nice introduction to Bangkok.

PATHUMWAN PRINCESS - a really nice luxury chain hotel which is part of a huge shopping complex, MBK and linked to the skytrain. Very good hotel in perfect location for shopping and attractions - and the airconditioned mall offers you the opportunity to shop without even going outside.

THE DAVIS - A luxurious Thai-style hotel in the Sukhumvit shopping area. Lovely rooms and atmosphere and great value for what you get.

If you really want something different, you can stay in the smallest hotel in the world, THE IBRIK RESORT, which is on the river, or THE AURUM, another small boutique hotel on the river. Both are really special, but you may need the facilities that bigger hotels offer for a first visit.

Of course, there are many chain hotels like Holiday Inn, Intercontinental, Hyatt, etc all of which are good, but the ones above have a particularly Thai or Bangkok atmosphere, which makes them particularly attractive.

PHUKET HOTELS
Wow! many choices here as well. The main tourist zone is Patong Beach, which attracts the biggest number of visitors. It also has all the saucy nightlife and the best shopping. It may not seem to be the best resort for children, but plenty of families choose it. I know many people with young families who won't stay anywhere else. They love the buzz of Patong. It is certainly very interesting and exciting, with a huge shopping centre with all the facilities.

The best value resorts here are the HOLIDAY INN (the Busakorn wing is splendid), the PATONG BEACH HOTEL (a good three-star family choice in a perfect location), the GRACELAND PHUKET (big new hotel on the beachfront) and the BURASARI (boutique hotel close to beach, very popular). New hotels opening this season include the MERCURE PATONG (one road back from the beach) and the MILLENIUM PATONG at the big Jungceylon shopping complex, one block from the beach and a great central location).

However, for families, the neighbouring resort areas of KARON BEACH and KATA BEACH are generally considered better (depends who you ask, of course!).

CLUB MED has a magnificent location on Kata Beach. The hotel is of three-star standard, but with acres of space and perfect for the beach. Plenty of facilities for children. However, it is pretty expensive and the meals-included tarriff means that you miss out the chance to eat out at different restaurants every night, which I think is part of the Thailand holiday experience. Hotels close to Club Med include the KATA BEACH RESORT (right on the beach as well) and the CENTARA KATA RESORT (also known as the Central Kata Resort, which is behind Club Med, so you have a a walk to the beach, but the resort is very nice.)

Hotels occupying their own beaches include the LE MERIDIEN PHUKET RESORT (fabulous beach, just over the hill from Patong) and KATHA THANI resort, which is over the hill from Kata beach. Both are considered prime resorts, but rather overpriced in peak season.

KARON BEACH has some lovely hotels all along its magnificent white beach. These include the Hilton (very big), the Movenpick and the Centara Karon Resort (in a lively area one block from beach). A hotel I like very much is THE OLD PHUKET, which is a very traditional Thai hotel close to the beach. Its small and has a lovely atmosphere and super rooms, with a rooftop pool.

It's worth mentioning that Phuket also has an area known as LAGUNA, which is a tropical paradise along Bangtoa Beach. It includes six hotel, including the magnificnet Banyan Tree, the Sheraton and the Dusit Laguna. Great facilities for families and a very safe, manicured environment, but I personally prefer the slightly chaotic atmosphere of the coastal villages like Patong, etc with many restaurants, bars, Thai massage shops and open markets.

However, if you want the biggest bargain on the island, try out the little guesthouse owned by my friend Tanit. Its called Le Tanjong (check out the picture I have posted). It offers the cleanest rooms in Patong, with comfortable double beds, great linen and pillows, air-conditioning, a fridge, a safety box in the room and a hot-water show and toilet. The rooms are not huge, but they are really well maintained and he is a nice guy. It is located in the Paradise area of Patong Beach, which has gay bars on the one side and the lady gogo bars on the other. It's a lively, fun area close to all the shopping and restaurants and within walking distance of the beach. The best thing about it is the rates: In low season a room will cost you about 650 baht (that's about R160) a night and in peak season from 1200-1500 baht (R300-R400). It's fabulous value - and runs at 100% occupancy most of the year.

That's my selection for now. I will be adding to this list and making changes, so do keep coming back to check this posting. And, remember, I am more than happy to help out with information and suggestions. And for no commission!!