Off to the Fat Farm

Of all the people one might expect to find on a health and wellness retreat, I must rank as one of the most unlikely. I am just not the type to fall for the marketing scam of the millennium: pay a fortune to not eat anything. That's like going to a cinema to stare at a blank screen. Or swimming in a pool without water.

Well, I have news for you. My dear friend Helen (from Joburg) and I are off to the fat farm. Yes, we are taking the plunge and have booked to spend a week at a health retreat on the island of Koh Samui in Thailand at the end of the month. But this is not your run-of-the-mill spa where you sip fruit juice and eat raw vegetables. Here you really starve and undergo colonic cleansing twice a day. To put it politely, nothing goes in and lots comes out!

How we will manage to survive for seven days without a slice of cheesecake, yet alone a rump steak and chips, is going to be very, very interesting. Apparently, they feed one all sorts of supplements and tablets that takes away the craving. And, in between all the massages, exercise sessions and consultations, you have little time for anything else. And you get very tired and irritable.

I'm nervous of the yoga classes - and am too scared to even think about the colonic irrigation sessions! I could end up crippled for life! Thank goodness Helen will be there to laugh along with me - and keep me on the straight and narrow. We have opted for the premium accommodation - a two-bedroom villa with private swimming pool. That should make it a little easier.

On the other hand, isn't it a shame that we will be stuck in a lovely villa on a gorgeous tropical island and not able to enjoy a delicious mango milkshake as we lounge by the pool. I have heard of people who sneaked out of this health farm at midnight and caught a taxi to the 24-hour Burger King on the other side of the island to stuff their faces. Isn't that just ridiculous? Who would even think of doing something like that....?

Helen, I know you have 100% faith in me, but it may be best if you sleep with the front door key under your pillow at night!


PS: I do not appear in any of the photographs on this page....

10 things about Thailand you might not know

Thailand is more than just an amazing country; it never ceases to surprise. In that spirit here are 10 facts about the country you may not have known:

1. The Thai greeting "Sawatdee" was only invented during the Second World War. Prior to that people greeted each other by asking if they had eaten yet. (This is still commonly asked, but after the initial greeting).

2. According to the World Meteorological Organisation, Bangkok is the hottest city in the world. (I would have thought Dubai or Jeddah may have beaten it, but who am I to argue?)

3. Thai people do not call the capital Bangkok, they call it Krung Thep (city of angels).

4. The city's full name is "Krung Thep Mahanakhon Amon Rattanakosin Mahinthara Yuthaya Mahadilok Phop Noppharat Ratchathani Burirom Udomratchaniwet Mahasathan Amon Piman Awatan Sathit Sakkathattiya Witsanukam Prasit". That translates to "The city of angels, the great city, the eternal jewel city, the impregnable city of God Indra, the grand capital of the world endowed with nine precious gems, the happy city, abounding in an enormous Royal Palace that resembles the heavenly abode where reigns the reincarnated god, a city given by Indra and built by Vishnukam"

5. The gathering of more than one million people to celebrate the Thai King's 60th year on the throne on 9 June 2007 was the largest known public gathering in one place to celebrate a Royal event. (Eat your heart out, Buckingham Palace!)

6. Prior to 1913, most Thai people did not have surnames (now they have some of the world's longest!)

7. Thailand is the world's largest exporter of rice.

8. Thailand has never been colonised by a foreign power and always kept its independence, unlike its south and Southeast Asian neighbours.

9. You should never write the name of a person in red ink, unless they are dead or you want them dead!

10. Prostitution is illegal in Thailand. (Enough said!)

The buffalo and the lottery

Like elsewhere in the world, the lottery is a big thing in Thailand. There are only two draws a month and the excitement and drama of choosing a lucky number results in some fascinating tales. The end-October draw was no exception. This time it was all about a half-human buffalo. I kid you not.

This week villagers in Srisaket’s Khun Han district have been flocking to pay their respects to the body of a buffalo calf. According to the local believers, this animal had what looked like a human face. But that's not all - it had the ability to transmit the winning numbers for the lottery draw.

As dutifully reported in the local newspaper, the calf died soon after birth, but not before its' owners noticed that it looked like a person. The farmers - whose names mean Smile and Think - said it had human-like nose, mouth and ears. Its legs were spreadeagled, resembling a sleeping person. However, without thinking more of it, they buried the corpse in a field.

That night the farmer's wife had a dream and her ancestors told her from beyond the grave that she should dig up the calf and conduct a religious ceremony for it. The calf was exhumed and the ceremony was duly performed.

But word had spread about this amazing animal and villagers flocked to catch a glimpse of it as it lay in "state" in the farmer's house. People brought flowers and money. Others dusted it with powder and asked the calf to make a lucky number appear in their mind so that they could win the upcoming lottery. And, due to some lucky gamblers, a legend was born.

Not everyone was a believer, though. A senior monk from the local temple, was reported to be "dubious" about conducting a Buddhist ritual around the rotting corpse of a buffalo. "Nowhere in Buddhist canon is there anything about the need to pay respects to animal ," the monk allegedly said. “The Buddhist people of Srisaket should not be gullible. I would like to remind them that it is best to conduct their lives in strict accordance with the teachings of the Buddha.”
That's all and well, but in this small village the tale of the half-human buffalo will live on for many generations and remain another legend of how to dream up a lucky number for the lottery.

Questions and Answers

How did you end up in Phuket?

I came here on holiday. When the holidays started becoming more frequent, I started thinking that it might be a good idea to stay here for an extended period. I moved here for three months, then went back to South Africa for six months to make up my mind. Finally in October of 2002, I packed up my bags and moved to Thailand.

Do you ever regret it?

NEVER. I am happy and content - and what more could one ask for? Thailand is a wonderful, wonderful country and the Thai people are something special. Living on this island is like living a dream. I love it

Do you miss anything?

Of course. I miss my family and friends, but luckily many of them have been to visit. At times, when I catch Supersport or M-Net on TV I feel a little nostalgic. Like many expats, one often needs to talk to people who have a shared history (and understand how you feel about things), and visitors from SA serve that need. However, the thing I miss most is the MEAT. Many times I just ache for a roast leg of lamb or a good braai. The local meat is not great, and the Aussie meat we can buy is really not the same as back home.

Where do you live?

I spent the first five years in Patong Beach, which is the main tourist zone on the island, a crazy town filled with bars, restaurants, massage parlours, markets, etc - its a fantastic place to stay and I had a wonderful time there. But it has got really busy and I felt like a more ordered life, so I have moved to a little townhouse in an area called Chalong, about 20kms from Patong, close to work and some really nice beaches frequented mainly by locals and expats. I guess you could say I have become more of an expat than a 'long-stay holidaymaker' now.

Is it expensive?

Not really. It used to be much cheaper, but the island has developed enormously in the past five years and prices have risen. Also the exchange rate for the Rands I bring in is not good at all. However, when I look at the cost of living in SA, I guess it is about the same now. The rent for my one-bedroom townhouse is 8500 baht (which is around R2000 a month). A meal at a Thai restaurant costs the equivalent of R10, while a meal at a Western restaurant would cost about R70-R100. Cigarettes are about R12 a pack and a bottle of 100 Pipers Whisky about R80. I bought a big Toyota Vigo 4-door bakkie, which cost me 750,000 baht (which was around R120,000 at the time), great value.

Do you work?

Yes, I work for an international Internet hotel booking site, http://www.hoteltravel.com/, where I edit a travel magazine and newsletter which goes out to 400,000 subscribers every month. And I still do my travel column for the Sunday Times every week and other work for Johnnic. The biggest advantage of my job is that I work for three weeks and then have one week off. So I am free to travel around for 9 days a month.

Where do you travel on your week off?

I usually travel in Thailand, to Bangkok (a wonderfully exciting city), Pattaya (the unbelievable coastal resort that must be the sex capital of the world!) or Chiang Mai (a great city in the north of the country). I have been spending more time in Krabi, a coastal resort that is on the mainland across the bay from Phuket. Its relatively undeveloped and has incredible scenery. Its also cheap and relaxing. Of course, I also travel further and have been to Hong Kong, Kuala Lumpur, Singapore, Bali and Sri Lanka.

Didn't you own a bar?

Yes, a friend and I had a bar for a year in Patong, which was crazy fun. The bar was actually very successful and we had a good time. But when the rent was hiked we decided to call it a day. I was quite relieved actually because I don't really want to spend every night of my life in a bar. I don't regret it, though, it was an amazing experience.

So, what's the social life like?

Wonderful. I go to the beach a lot, dine out, have massages and enjoy island life. I spend less time in the gogo bars and the other fun places in Patong and am more than content to sit on the verandah of my friend's guesthouse in Patong and watch the world go by. Now that I live on the other side of the island, I have discovered many really nice places, but they are certainly more laid-back and casual than the places where the tourists go! One of the things I really like about living here is that in many respects it resembles a small town, with a real community feel, but has the facilities of a major city - it certainly runs 24 hours a day and you can find whatever you want anytime!!

Last year you broke your ankle. How's the foot doing now?

What a business that was. I slipped on the pavement as I was walking to my car at 6am - on my way to work! (believe it or not) - and my foot was just at the wrong angle. Luckily my friends here (and the many visitors from SA) took good care of me. I was going to have an operation, but the specialist decided to put my leg in plaster instead. That was a VERY difficult time - no swimming, no proper showers, everything was a struggle. It has taken a long time to heal, but is quite okay now. It will never be the same as it was, but I can walk around quite happily now.
What is the health care like there? Fantastic. We have two top international hospitals on the island. I use the Bangkok Phuket Hospital and the standards are exceptionally high. And its not really expensive. Many tourists come here specifically for medical treatment, like heart surgery and facelifts, etc. Bangkok has one of the top 'medical tourism' hospitals in the world, Bumrungrad Hospital, so I certainly don't worry about health care standards here.

Will you ever go back to live in South Africa?

Well, never say never. However, I think that if I was to move from Thailand, I would probably try out another part of the world. There are just so many other cultures and lifestyles to experience. I need that excitement in my life. Of course, when I am really old I may just yearn to be closer to my family and the other things that make South Africa my home. Until then, I am going to have as much fun as I can.