My guide to Bangkok

How to avoid tourist traps and get the most out of a trip to Bangkok

Before my first trip to Thailand many years back, I asked a regular visitor what I should do in Bangkok. "Just keep smiling," he said. His strange reply did little to help me find the best spots in town, but was probably the best bit of advice I have ever received.

What you will discover on a visit to Thailand is that the charm and irresistible lure of the City of Angels has less to do with its spectacular Grand Palace, glitzy shopping malls, bargain-laden markets and tongue-tingling cuisine and everything to do with the Thai people.

When it comes to charm, hospitality and genuine friendliness, there's no-one to touch these gentle-natured people. They just keep smiling and expect you to do the same. You won't know which of the 13 types of smile they are giving you and it doesn't really matter. The bottom line is they love tourists (and their dollars) and are genuinely happy to see you. Forget any preconceptions you have, they will worm their way into your heart and keep you coming back for more. This is part of the reason why Thailand's tourism outperforms its neighbours and has one of the highest rate of return visitors in the world.

But let me answer my question: "What should I do in Bangkok?" From its steamy streets and smoke-belching buses to its golden temples and flashy go-go dancers, the Thai capital heaves with a unique character that can be totally addictive. However, the real answer to the question lies in what you want from your visit. As with other big cities, you will discover the city you want to find.

If it's shopping you're after, you'll discover some of the finest malls in the world (headed by the spectacular Siam Paragon) and an amazing array of markets (ranging from the amazing 'floating market' on the Chao Praya River to the world's biggest flea market, the Chatuchak Weekend Market, a vast warren of stalls selling discounted goods at jaw-droppingly cheap prices). No doubt, you will visit a tailor for a new suit or a made-to-fit designer copy and trawl through the Pratunam Market for cut-rate clothing.

If you want to see the historical sights and follow the tourist trail, you will head for the Grand Palace with its priceless emerald buddha, the sparkling Temple of Dawn, Wat Po with its reclining buddha and the world's largest teak building, the Vimanmek Museum. You will go on a cruise down the Chao Praya River, past spectacular five-star hotels, temples, university and markets. You may even be tempted into visiting a crocodile farm or taking a ride on an elephant.


The song "One Night in Bangkok" immortalised the saucy side of the city, with its gogo clubs and sordid strip shows. It still exists, but is heavily outnumbered by the many nightclubs and bars that are packed with the city residents every night. The Thais love a party and don't mind you joining in. However, you'll be surprised to discover that Bangkok's nightspots are not open till dawn. Since a crackdown on vice a year or two back the official closing time is 1am. Of course, locals and expats party on at the many karoake clubs and bars that stay open illegally, but the places you will be offered as a tourist are not recommended.

If you do want a peak at the seamier side of Bangkok, take an organised nightlife tour (with a group, not a private tour guide) and you will be herded from one spot to another. You'll get a general picture. If you want to go alone, avoid the notorious Patpong where the upper-floor bars offer promises of extraordinary acts but only deliver overpriced drinks and strong-arm tactics. Rather opt for Soi Cowboy off Sukhumvit Road or the nearby Nana Plaza, where the atmosphere is more friendly. You'll probably be surprised by the number of Western couples and sightseers having an innocently good time.

But what ultimately defines Bangkok are not its well-publicised attractions, but the hidden spots and overwhelming contrasts the city delivers. This is a city where you can follow in the footsteps of Noel Coward and have English afternoon tea at the famous Oriental Hotel or dine at a very popular restaurant named Condoms and Cabbages, where you get a condom instead of an after-dinner mint. (The restaurant was started by an Aids activist doctor to encourage the use of condoms). This is also a city where you can watch a monk on his alms round at 5am receiving a traditional wai greeting from a gogo girl on her way home. No-one would consider this extraordinary.

In this amazing city you can visit the city’s most beautiful teak home (built by Jim Thompson, the silk industry magnate who mysteriously died while hunting tigers in Malaysia) and then traipse through a hospital museum which exhibits stillborn children in glass jars and the corpse of Thailand's most famous mass murderer, a Chinese cannibal.

It is a city of so many contrasts that you are bound to feel quite dizzy on your first visit. But, once you settle down and let its charming exuberance wash over you, you will be hooked for life. Bangkok is not a one-visit city. Get hooked and you will always come back for more.

After living in Thailand for five years, I have wandered along grubby alleys lined with food vendors and ancient Chinese medicine shops. I have chatted to lottery salesladies, policemen and prostitutes, and visited everything from a boxing training school to little Buddhist shrines where executives kneel to pray as they head for their corporate skyscrapers.
Every day I learn something new, but allow me to share the benefits of my experiences. Here are my 10 golden tips:

1. Stay in a good hotel. No other thing will have a greater influence on the enjoyment of Bangkok. Your hotel is not just a place to sleep. It's your refuge from the head and humidity, an escape from the crowded streets with their pungent aromas and your own space away from the pushy taxi drivers and pesky street vendors. On my first trip, I was booked into a crummy backstreet hotel with musty, dusty rooms and faulty air-conditioning and I couldn't leave Bangkok quickly enough. When booking a trip, remember that most packages use the cheapest hotels to make the price as appealing as possible. Upgrade the hotel - for as little as R100 a night you could end up in splendid accommodation. The best areas are around Silom-Sathorn, Sukhumvit Road and, of course, along the Chao Praya River.

2. Avoid tuk-tuks. These noisy, little motorbike 'taxi cars' have become a symbol of Bangkok. They are appealing and you will want to have your picture taken in one. But don't consider them for anything than a short, fun trip and always agree the price in advance. Tuk-tuk drivers are the city's leading rip-off merchants and the scourge of the tourism industry. They will overcharge you, take you to fake jewellery stores, dump you outside tailor shops, shortchange you - in fact, they will do anything to get their hands on tourist dollars. Not all are dishonest, but there are enough out there to avoid them altogether. The metered taxis, the skytrain and the metro are a much better bet.

3. A massage is not always a massage. Make sure you enjoy some of the cheapest massages on the planet. Nothing beats a foot massage after a day out tramping the streets or a body massage to give you a new spring in your step. However, some massage parlours specialise in additional services. (Yes, sex). The easiest way to tell the difference is the same way the tax authorities do - if you are asked choose your masseur, then the chances are that more than a body rub is on offer. Wherever you go, a foot or Thai body massage will be safe - an "oil massage" can be the code for extras.

4. Haggle your socks off. In street markets and tourist stores where the items are not marked with prices, you are expected to bargain. The general rule is that the real price is 25-30% of the given price. These markets, with their fake Rolex watches, dubious Louis Vuitton luggage and superb Thai handicrafts, are great fun, but you may not get value for money. Your nationality is an important factor - that's why the seller's first question is "Where you come from?" Resist the temptation to say America or England ("Oooh, you have big money"). Stick with South Africa. They'll be puzzled or already know that our currency is no great shakes. But don't get too 'hit up' about the prices - decide what it is worth to you and don't go any higher. Someone will always have paid less (and more) than you.

5. Eat on the street. Get rid of your inhibitions and eat where the people of Bangkok do - at the street stalls. All over the city, you will find food carts and makeshift stalls selling everything from grilled chicken and noodle soup to prawn salad and Thai sweets. Check which stalls are the busiest and head there. Pull up a little plastic stool and taste the local delicacies. A phrase yu may need is ‘mai pet’ (as in ‘my pet’), which means “not too spicy”. The food is cheap - usually from 20-40 baht (R4-R8). Don't be surprised if your drink is served in a plastic bag, just hold the bag in one hand and sip through the straw.

6. Honour the Royal Family. Don't even think of making a joke or criticising the King or the Queen. It's best not to comment or ask questions, as anything that could be construed as unfavourable will be frowned upon. The Royal Family are idolised by the Thais and this respect is shown to all images of them, whether on the shrine-like displays across the city or the banknotes. In the same vein, don't show disrespect to Buddha or monks in this heavily-Buddhist country.

7. Dine in the sky. Two of Bangkok's top restaurants are situated on the top of skyscraper buildings, giving diners an amazing view of the city. These are not tourist traps, most guests are wealthy Bangkok residents and expats who know the classiest spots in town. Located on the 63rd floor of The Dome at State Tower, Sirocco is the world’s highest al fresco restaurant with a bar which hangs out over the edge of the building. Local bigwigs recently paid 30,000 dollars each for a charity dinner here. It'll cost you far less, but the splendid view will be the same. An alternative is Vertigo on the 61st floor of the Banyan Tree Hotel. Sip a traditional 'Mai Thai' cocktail and dine on two of the house specialities - grilled oysters with parmesan cheese and grilled scallops with hazelnut and coriander butter.

8. Cross the Bridge. If you want to take a trip out of town, the one to go for takes you to Kanchanaburi, about two hours drive from Bangkok. It is a pretty town and you'll get to see the countryside but the main reason for heading this way is the 'Bridge over the River Kwai', the start of the infamous World War II Death Railway to Burma (Myanmar). Immortalized in the famous movie and novel, about 16,000 prisoners of war and 100,000 Asians died during the construction. You can walk across the bridge and check out the museum, but the biggest treat is to catch the small tourist train which takes you across the bridge and back again for only 20 baht (R4.)

9. A lady is not always a lady. Thailand has an extraordinary number of ladyboys and transvestites (known as katoey in Thai). In many cases, you will not be able to tell the difference between the real and the fake. Don't bother to look for an Adam's Apple - those are surgically removed. If the 'girl' you meet seems extraordinarily feminine or looks like a supermodel or film star, beware. The real Thai girls are mostly very modest and sweet and do not "strut their stuff". Katoeys are widely accepted in Thai society and nearly every soapie or game show on TV will feature one.

10. Go to Bed for a night out. In a city overflowing with nightlife options, Bed Supperclub is a veteran. But this amazing club, with white leather beds that stretches the length of the venue, is still top of the heap. Meet interesting Asians, expats and visitors as you lounge, dine or dance on the ‘bed’. However, this is not the place to wear your latest ‘fake’ designer gear – regulars here know the difference.

*This article was written for the Sunday Times Travel and Food magazine in South Africa

Elvis is alive and well

Take note, Elvis Presley fans! You can stop mourning the death of the Pelvis. The hip-swinging singer is alive and well and living in Pattaya, Thailand. Well, sort of. What I can tell you without fear of contradiction is that Elvis is packing in the crowds at a few nightspots in this extraordinary beach resort.

Take a drive through Pattaya, a coastal town about two hours from Bangkok, and you'll see huge posters advertising "ELVIS...LIVE" along with a life-size figure of a Presley lookalike. It is clear that the King of Rock is still a big hit in this part of the world. Two resorts that have made their name on the back of his 'blue suede shoes" are the Jomtien Boathouse and Residence Garden Resort, who have been hosting performances for ages.

Of course, it's not that the Thais have suddenly fallen in love with the Las Vegas lounge lizard, its the middle-aged foreigners who can't resist taking a trip down memory lane. Dressed in their overflowing tank tops, bermuda shorts and Hawaiian flowered shirts, they are more than happy to part with a few dollars (or Euros) to wiggle their hips to Jailhouse Rock like they used to "in the good old days".

While the Elvis phenomenon might be strange for some to understand, they are not losing any sleep over it in Pattaya. This is a town that caters to clients needs - whatever they are. Not for nothing is it considered as the world capital of sex. When it comes to gogo bars, massage shops and bars filled with available ladies, Pattaya is in a league of its own.

You can't turn a corner without being confronted by a sweet smile and the much-repeated invitation: "Hello, handsome man, you come have drink in my bar". Want a bar where everyone is dressed as schoolgirls? No problem. You want to join a nurses party? Step this way. How about a handsome man? A bar dedicated to Elvis? Just down the road on the left, madam. And you won't be lacking for company: "You come see Elvis, you buy me drink".

The performer who can be credited for having put Elvis on the map in Pattaya is Richie Newton, who gives a sterling performance, but can hardly be called a lookalike. He has moved on to Phuket, where he is charming patrons at the Holiday Inn in Patong Beach, but the spirit of the King lives on in Pattaya.

If Elvis was still alive he would be 72 today. After all those years of high living in Vegas, I have a feeling he wouldn't have minded spending his twilight years in this corner of south-east Asia. No-one here would care how much weight he had put on or when his last record hit the charts. As long as he has more than a few bucks to spare, he won't be lacking for admirers. The 'handsome man' would have the time of his life.

The Spirit of Christmas

I got my first Christmas card of the year today and it gave me a bit of a jolt. When you have grown up with all the pomp and drama which surrounds Xmas, it's pretty strange living in a country where it means absolutely nothing. It's really odd for December 25 to be a normal working day, with all the banks open and the kids going off to school.

As I read the card, the memories of Christmasses past came flooding back. I know everyone moans that it has become 'too commercialised' and 'has lost all its meaning', but it is a special time in our lives. Believe me, you only realise it when you are stuck somewhere far away from home and those you love. Again, this year I won't make it back to SA for the festive season, so I will be doing my thing here in Thailand.

At my suggestion, my Thai friend Tanit, who owns a guesthouse in Patong, put up a Christmas tree on his patio. It's really beautiful, with little angels and twinkling lights and has become a real attraction with tourists posing next to it for photographs and coo-ing: "Can you believe it? A Christmas tree here in Thailand..." It has certainly been good for business.

The big malls that cater to Western tourists have also been infected with the commercial spirit of Christmas (got those tills ringing, baby!), but we are thankfully spared the endless playing of "Silent Night" and "Joy to the World". Some of the big resorts have Christmas dinners (at highly inflated prices, of course) and you can buy mince pies and crackers at some of the delis and stores that cater for those with foreign tastes.

But I won't be stringing up the tinsel and tucking into turkey on Christmas Day. I have learnt that there is nothing sadder than trying to recreate the spirit of Christmas when it isn't there. In previous years, I did my best to gather up some friends, book a table for Christmas lunch and exchange gifts. But it all fell horribly flat. What I realised is that Christmas really has nothing to do with all the trappings like Christmas trees, mistletoe and brightly-wrapped gifts. It's all about people. It's about having the time to be with those you love and love being with.

If the people aren't there, it's best to throw in the towel immediately. In my book, Christmas is about driving down from Johannesburg to the Eastern Cape on busy roads, fighting my way through packed East London shops, drinking and braai-ing with my brothers at the beach, being woken up early by the kiddies desperate to open their gifts and snoozing away in the afternoon with a full, full tummy and sandy feet.

Even if it doesn't always look like a picture of happiness to outsiders, I know I will feel embraced by affection and caring. Yes, we all know Uncle Archie will drink too much and tell his boring jokes. Yes, we know that Candice will try to make Christmas dinner more nutritious and less fatty with her boring salads and vegetable stir-fries (and then sulk when no-one eats them). Yes, we know that the boys will fight about who got the best gift and that by mid-afternoon all the new toys will be tossed into the corner.

And, yes, we all know that someone will bring up the story about how Alfred got caught kissing the neighbour's wife at the Bathurst show in 1984... But there is a wonderful feeling of knowing that you are loved and appreciated. We may all be terribly different and squabble like mad, but we are all part of the family and we can count on each other to be there when it really counts. It is that unwavering acceptance that makes it really, really special.

And that's what I miss most. It's not the days off work, the gifts or the lavish feasts (although I wouldn't mind a good leg of lamb right now), it is the feeling of being secure and enfolded by those who truly love you. You can't get that by rounding up a few new friends and eating Christmas pudding. It's far more rewarding to just ignore the day and spend the money on a long phone call home. So that's what I will be doing on December 25 this year.

Anyway, my one and only Christmas card was from Val and Trevor Evans, my dear friends who took such good care of me (and many others) at Rhodes University in Grahamstown. They have now retired to Nottingham in England. Earlier this year, they came out to Thailand for a holiday and we had a wonderful time. Being with them feels like being with family.

Now, here's a couple that knows about the spirit of Christmas. It may be a little easier in England, but they can throw a Christmas bash of note. They have the knack of being able to draw others into their family fold and embracing them with love and affection. I know their children won't be with them this year, but I have no doubt they will have a great time. They will gather up a straggler or two, bring out the sherry, throw together a helluva meal and sing carols into the night.

Come to think of it, I think they could even pull it off in Thailand. There's no ways we would be eating green curry and reading the Bangkok Post on Christmas Day if they were around. They would squeeze Father Christmas into a tuk-tuk and get the Thais singing carols along with them.

Now, there's an idea. If I can't get home next year, perhaps I need to bring home to here. A family Christmas in the tropics, that could be something different. In the meantime, to all of you wherever you are, have a Happy Christmas!

What's that crawling up your leg?

Ever heard the horror tales of how they used to treat wounds in the old days with leeches? I remember hearing about some adventurers, perhaps in the Amazon jungle, who had applied these bloodsuckers to their injuries to heal them. Sounds awful.

Well, how about using maggots for medicinal purposes? Can you imagine any possible circumstance that would warrant you sticking a few maggots into a wound? Well, wonder no more. Maggot therapy has emerged as the latest health craze in marvellous Pattaya, the coastal mega-resort on the coast close to Bangkok.

The Bangkok Hospital Pattaya, a very upmarket respected institution, claims the larvae do a perfect job of healing wounds by eliminating dead cells. Apparently, active cells are not destroyed as the enzyme produced by the maggot only affects dead cells and bacteria. After only one session lasting a few days, the wound is perfectly clean and on the road to recovery.

I am not joking. The wound-healing maggots are produced in a laboratory and are described as 'surgically sterile'. The number of maggots used depends on the severity of the wound, a small cut on the finger will only warrant 5 or six of the creepy crawlies, while a severe injury to your leg that could lead to bone infection may demand 500-600 of them.

Now, I don't know about you, but I am going to have to be pretty severely injured to let a doctor drop a few hundred maggots into my body for a day or two. The publicity material from the hospital assures potential customers that the little larvae will even get rid of the 'nasty smell that comes from necrotic wounds'. Ooooh, yuck.

And just in case you think this superb therapy is a bit whacky, the hospital has come up with a great publicity line. Maggot healing, according to the press release, " is undoubtedly for the lovers of natural therapy, but must be administered by a doctor".

So, don't think you can go 100% natural and do your own thing with some crawlies harvested off a rotten piece of meat. Oh, no, you'll need to be under the supervision of a team of doctors in a first-class hospital. Preferably the Bangkok Hospital Pattaya, where a luxury suite can cost you just a tad more than a beachfront hotel down the road.

Oh, amazing, amazing Thailand, you just gotta love it!

Put away those Euros!

It's the time of the year when Phuket changes from a charming, peaceful island to a madhouse filled with sunburnt revellers desperate to have a jolly good time in paradise. For those of us who live here, eke-ing out a living on meagre earnings and pensions, it's a nightmare. Hordes of tourists pour onto the island with bulging wallets and bursting with enthusiasm, dying to overpay for everything and ruin the market for the rest of the year.

At first it's not bad seeing one or two new faces, but when it becomes 200,000 new faces, one can get just a little bit tetchy. Our peaceful and happy-go-lucky existence goes down the drain and we become grumpy and hostile. By the time New Year has dawned, we start dreaming of injecting laxatives into their coconut cocktails or sending them off into the jungle strapped to elephants.

The first thing one notices is the traffic. The main tourist area, Patong Beach, is always busy and there's a fair chance of being caught up in a traffic jam there. But the area where I live and shop, Chalong, is fairly quiet throughout the year. One can always find parking outside restaurants, banks and close to the beach. Then, like a door being opened on November 1, the nasties arrive. All dollied up in their cotton shorts, peak caps and skimpy bikini tops, they actually believe they have a right to rent a motorbike or Jeep. For goodness sake, can't they stick to the taxis? Not only do they clog up the roads, driving with maps in hand and forgetting to signal, they steal our parking bays and fill shopping centre carparks.

I'm afraid I just can't understand these holiday types. They come here to enjoy the beach and catch a nice suntan. But do you think they stay on the beach, broiling in the sun and buying cheap nicknacks from the cheerful vendors? No, they go shopping in our malls. But don't think they sit down in their hotel restaurants and fill up their pale bellies. No, they decide to go shopping for groceries (just like back home, can you believe?)

By the time they hit the supermarkets they are not interested in the Thai pastries, curry powders and local sweets to take home. No, they are starving, so they head straight for 'our food' - the speciality breads, cheeses, pastramis and imported biscuits, the things we love and treasure like gold.

And, once they spot the cinemas, you can be sure that you won't be able to buy a ticket for the next four months. Don't they have movies at home? It's not like we have the very latest releases here, so why do they have to clog up the cinemas? Do they really have to travel thousands of kilometres to watch a bloody film that was showing at home before they left? Are they crazy?

Mind you, if they stayed in the malls and cinemas all day and night it would still be acceptable. We would know where they were. But, no, they think its fun to experience some 'local culture'. And that means shopping in the markets where the Thai people (and us) shop.

And that's where things turn really nasty for the expats. Those of us who live here know that being a foreigner means that we should knock 60-70 percent off any price demanded. Even if one speaks fluent Thai, you are still likely to be charged 25-30 percent more than the going price. So, we don't bargain, we just slash the price to a realistic level and it's a case of 'take it or leave it'.

Then along come lovely Helmut and Heidi (or Pierre and Veronique), armed with more Euros than sense. They happily snap up crummy photo 50-baht photo albums for 800 baht ("for holiday photo, big bargain, sir") and low grade silk sheets at 10 times their its real price ("be careful you not slide off bed, madam!"). They titter like lovebirds when they get a free plastic shopping bag emblazoned with palm trees ("we'll keep this for Betty, she'll love it").

By the time we get back to the market to buy a plastic plate or a bunch of bananas, the cheeky sellers are demanding a few hundreds Euros for each (" no dollar, pleez, dollar no good").
I could go on, but I am sure you have got the gist of it. We can't do much more than grin and bear it, but we always have the last laugh.

Come the end of April, the last chartered jet will take off from Phuket Airport packed with fake Gucci bags and silver chopsticks and we will have our lovely island to ourselves again. It will take a while for the prices to settle down, but soon everyone will forget what a 100 Euro note looks like and the free drinks will start coming out again. Long live Phuket!

Granny is off to Mecca

Wednesday was a big day for the family of my friend But. His Granny was off on her pilgrimage to Mecca. And that meant a big send-off at the airport, a day of great celebration for all relatives and friends. As I understand it, all Muslims should try to get to Mecca at least once before they die. Now was Granny's turn.

Despite all the odds being against her, the little old lady from a small village in the Phang Nga area had managed to raise 150,000 baht (about 4400 US dollars) for the trip to Saudi Arabia. She would be travelling with a big group of pilgrims from the Muslim-rich southern part of Thailand. Over the past few months the entire family had been scrambling to find the money. It's a huge sum for most Thai people. Most ordinary workers out of the major tourist areas earn around 5,000 baht a month, and most of that has to go on day-to-day expenses, so saving a sum like this requires huge dedication.

My friend But contributed 10,000 baht, as did his brother who works for Thai Airways. His parents and other brothers gave lesser sums, and steadily the amount in the kitty rose. I think one aunt, who owns a furniture store in Krabi and has the only vehicle in the family, probably had to dig deep into her pockets to finally reach the required total.

Anyhow, a few weeks back But asked me if he could borrow my pick-up truck to help transport the family to Phuket International Airport for the big farewell. As I would be leaving for Bangkok on the Tuesday, I was happy to agree and do my bit for this family event. En route to the airport to catch my flight, I got a glimpse of what a big occasion it was. Another flight to Mecca was obviously leaving that day.

A huge area next to the airport, which usually functions as sports fields and parade grounds, was totally packed with vehicles, literally hundreds and hundreds of pick-ups and cars. Huge tents had been erected and people were picnicking and serving food and drinks. I was amazed, as I had never expected it to be such a big event.

On Wednesday, But and his family were up at 4am for the trip from Krabi to Phuket Airport (a two-hour drive). Granny was only departing in the afternoon, but much time was needed for the farewell celebrations. He tells me that there were even more people there for the Wednesday departure. His family, dressed to the nines, took along big pots of food and a great outing was had by all.

In the end, Granny had been a little nervous about the flight, as she had certainly never seen the inside an aeroplane in her long life. In theory, it had all been exciting, but actually being confronted by the airport and the big planes shooting off into the sky had proved to be rather intimidating. But had added to the tension by explaining that the aircraft go "much, much faster than the fastest car", getting his own back on her for constantly chiding him if he travelled much over 70kms in my pick-up.

She will no doubt be the one to brag when she arrives back in a few weeks time. But tells me there will be a welcome-back celebration much the same as the departure party, so I guess my pick-up will become a taxi once again. Naturally, I don't mind and am happy to do my bit for something so important in their lives.

As I write this, Granny must be facing her first few days in Saudi Arabia with the millions of pilgrims from all corners of the globe. A friend of mine who works in Jeddah said this annual event is so huge it is mind-boggling. I just hope that the Thai pilgrims have an incident-free and safe time in the land so very, very far away. And let's hope they especially good care of one bent-over lady with thick glasses from a village in Phang Nga. There's a group of people here who can't wait for her to come home.

Shoe drama ends

The shoe emergency is over. Last night two pairs of spanking new size 13 slip-slops arrived in Phuket on a flight from Hong Kong.

Within hours, I was sporting my new footwear - and it felt like I was walking on the clouds! The shoes were brought over from South Africa by my friend, Larry, who found them in a shop in Somerset West, Cape Town. Apparently, the factory in Port Elizabeth that makes the outsize slip-slops that I love has closed down. Larry found 8 pairs in the CT shop and bought two, so that I could see if they fitted (size 15 is my normal size).

I am delighted to report that they fit perfectly, so when he gets back to South Africa he will rush to the store and buy their remaining stock. A big thanks to all those who have gone out in search of shoes for me. I now have details of stockists from Durban, Johannesburg and Cape Town to check out.

Long live the slip-slops!

My phone is my Ferrari

When it comes to status symbols, what do you think my Thai friends rate tops? That, is apart from being closely related to a military general or the prime minister, which trumps everything. Could it be the latest BMW? A condominium in Bangkok? A degree from Yale or Harvard? Or a wardrobe full of Dolce and Gabbana outfits?

Oh, no. The one thing that can lift your image into the stratosphere is to have the very latest mobile phone. Before anyone else, even before it hits the local outlets. Only then will you truly have made it.

Jokes aside, the latest phone is a must-have if you want to be taken seriously. I have learnt that, in the world of certain status-seeking Thais, nothing defines you more than the latest Nokia or Samsung. You'll be the envy of your friends, desperately trying to hide their six-month old models in their fake Gucci bags.

It doesn't matter if you can't afford any airtime and the phone can only be used to receive calls. No-one cares, having the phone glued to your ear is all that counts.

While many of the foreigners hold onto their old-model phones and have the attitude that 'a phone's just a phone', that is certainly not the case here. The Thais can tell the price of any phone you care to mention. They know every ringtone available on the planet and there isn't an accessory that they haven't tried. Certainly, a few diamond studs can make a phone just a little more alluring.

If you are starting to doubt my words, let me tell you a story. When I started working, I had to open a new bank account for my salary deposit. So I went off to the Patong branch of Siam Commercial Bank and asked to open a new account. I ended up at a desk with a young Thai women in her early 20's writing down my particulars. Her English was rudimentary, but we managed to painstakingly go through the basics; name, address, visa number, work permit details, etc, etc.

Then there was a section for monthly earnings. It had different check boxes for 0-5,000 baht, 5,000-10,000, 10,000-20,000 and so on, the last category being 50,000+ (around R12,000). Without asking me, she ticked the 0-5000 baht section. I was a little startled, but started wondering if it was in US dollar currency or per week.

When a manager came over to check that the form had been filled in correctly, he seemed startled by my meagre earnings and asked me: "Excuse me, sir, is this correct?", pointing at the 0-5,000 baht category. As sweetly as possible, I showed him the correct one.

He swung round and, in Thai, asked the girl to explain. Her reply: " But look at his phone!" One look at my three-year-old Nokia was enough for her to confirm that this farang (foreigner) was on the skids. It was inconceivable to her that anyone with access to more than 5000 baht wouldn't rush out and buy a new phone.

This obsession seems to have spread throughout the society. It's not uncommon to see a motorcycle taxi driver or a gardener earning 5000 baht a month pull out a 15000 baht cellphone. And no businessman would dare head for a meeting without a phone that takes emails and connects to the Internet. If you've got it, you've gotta flaunt it. And, please, please, please, don't even think of giving your girlfriend (or boyfriend) your old phone when you buy the latest one. Are you crazy? Who would want that old thing? On the scale of insulting your loved one, you have hit the jackpot.

I have tried to lend my old phone to Thai friends who have lost theirs, but they would not accept my kind offer. Most certainly, they would rather not have a phone than be seen with an old, cheap model. Mind you, when your Western status symbol (a Porsche or Renault cabriolet) is at the service station, would you like business associates or school friends to see you driving past in a borrowed bashed-in, doorless old VW beetle?

When a phone is important to your image, you need to make sure it is seen, so you can't be shy about answering it in company. Oh, no, you gotta take those calls. Just remember, only cheap phones actually ring. Any half-decent model plays the latest hit song instead. If you don't receive a call, don't despair. Whip it out and start taking photographs. What, your phone doesn't have a camera? Throw it in the bin - now!

The only advantage of having an outdated version of one of the very cheapest phones Nokia ever built is that it is completely safe - no-one would dream of stealing it. So, it's the best insurance around. You'll be thought of as a cheapskate or a pauper, but you'll always have a phone to call home - if you can afford the call, that is.

Inside a gogo bar

Visitors to Thailand are often intriqued as to what exactly goes on in the infamous gogo bars and how the 'system' works. Very few Thais feel inclined to explain this in great detail and many farangs (foreigners) will either plead ignorance or begin their answers with: "I've never been to one, but I believe....."

Well, I have frequented gogo bars and am quite happy to explain the ins and outs of the industry. Thailand's gogo bars first gained notoriety during the Vietnam War era, when word spread of the bars where lovely girls wriggled up and down poles in order to seduce their customers. Many of the poles have disappeared from the bars, but the modus operandi remains the same.

The girls dance in shifts on the stage, usually located in the centre of the bar. They are usually dressed in skimpy bras and panties and sometimes wear high boots or high-heels to enhance their stature. They usually have numbers pinned somewhere on their skimpy outfits.
Customers sit around drinking expensive drinks, eyeing the girls on stage. If one takes their fancy, they can ask the 'mamasan' (the bar manager) or one of the waiters to ask a girl to sit with him. He usually identifies her by her number. When she is seated, the customer is obliged to buy a drink for her (she will usually end up with a watered-down Coke at the price of a glass of champagne). The cost will be added to his bill, which is usually placed in a small holder in front of him.

If, after a short discussion and a close and personal discussion, he is not interested in pursuing this relationship, he is expected to give her a small tip of 100-200 baht for sharing some time with him. She will return to the stage and he is free to select another damsel who catches his eye.

However, if he and the girl hit it off, he will ask her if she would like to accompany him to his hotel or a short-time room. She will nearly always agree (unless she has another booking or really finds him objectionable). The mamasan or waiter is told of the deal, and a "bar fine" of 200-400 baht (R45-90) is added to the bill. The rationale for this is that the bar needs to recompensed for losing one of its dancers for the night!

While they were seated together, the customer may or may not have discussed his particular requirements for the evening and a price for these services with the lady, but there will be a 'going price' which regulars will know. This price remains a secret to first-timers and the ignorant and will only be brought up if the customer pays anything less. The hope, of course, is that the lusty and rich customer pays way over the regular rate (anything from 1000 baht to 2500 baht).

Many people find gogo bars very sad and unsettling. Some of them are, especially if the girls look too desperate for a customer or are just shuffling around on stage disinterestedly. However, many of the more upmarket bars can be entertaining for customers and, sometimes, for the girls as well.

Note: The gogo bars are not the same as the "ping pong" bars, in which artists perform extraordinary acts with ping pong balls, coke bottles and cigarettes. These bars are frowned upon by virutally everyone in Thailand and the few that remain are mostly rip-off joints. Avoid them - they really are depressing.

If you do visit a gogo bar, you should always remember that these girls are not always here by choice. Many are doing this line of work to support their families. They are nice, decent girls and many dream of one day being able to settle down with a husband and children. The least you can do is treat them with kindness and respect.

Likewise, you need to remember that love is not for sale here. It is very easy to fall for seductive charms and tall tales that are solely aimed at easing more money out of your wallet. The "rich foreigner loses everything to Thai girl" stories abound and, although they seem insane, most of them are true.

There are also male gogo bars, and, although, far fewer than the lady bars, operate in exactly the same manner. Most of the customers are Western and Asian men, but an increasing number of Asian women are frequenting these bars.

However, the number of gogo bars overall is declining in favour of so-called "bar beers" (beer bars) throughout Thailand. Here the girls sit around the bar in ordinary clothes (usually jeans and revealing tops) and chat up customers. The atmosphere is generally more relaxed and friendly, and the girls are often very entertaining and aces at the various bar games. If you and a girl strike up a friendship, though, you will probably still have to pay the bar a "fine" or "off fee". And so the business goes on.

Waiter, there's a fish in my TV

Can you imagine dining out in a restaurant where the tables are set on platforms in an ancient tree? Can you picture yourself digging into a delicious curry while live fish swim around inside old TV sets and a miniature train speeds past on its circular route between the tables? Yes, there is such a place. It looks like a museum for the world's most amazing bric-a-brac, but it is a real, live restaurant. And it's one of my favourite spots in Phuket.

The name of this totally bizarre restaurant is Thammachat (rough translation: The Natural). It is located in a small street in Phuket Town, just down the road from a Chinese temple, and has been there for decades. Many of the tables are old Singer sewing machines (the ones with the pedal that your granny used to have), so you can pedal away for exercise as you fill your tummy. A family-run business, it is always packed with locals enjoying a night out and expats and holidaymakers who have found out about it.

The food is delicious and the prices are excellent. An average meal will set you back about 150 baht (around R35). You can bring along your own booze or buy a bottle there. It will be set up on a drinks trolley with ice and mixers. One of the waiters will be in attendance, topping up the glasses and making sure everyone is well supplied with all the food and drink their heart desires.

Some of our favourite dishes here are a mouth-watering red duck curry, delicious beef massaman curry and chicken with cashew nuts. The dishes come with a big bowl of rice, which is placed in the centre of the table for people to top up their plates. The menu also boasts delicacies such as bird and frog, but we have yet to venture down that path. For dessert, there is nothing to beat fresh, sliced mango served with sticky rice and a coconut sauce.

The frozen fruit shakes are simply the best - my favourite being coconut and lemon. But the runaway winner among farangs (foreigners) is always the watermelon shake. One taste and you are hooked.

Whether you sit downstairs (at the root of the tree) or upstairs on one of the platform levels, you will be surrounded by the most amazing souvenirs and bric-a-brac which has accumulated over the years. Hanging from the ceiling, from the balconies, fans and walls, it ranges from traditional Thai farming implements to cheap and tacky national symbols from a host of countries. The Brits and Norwegians have done a good job of keeping their flags flying, but I have yet to spot something from South Africa.

So, if you have a plastic Union Buildings that lights up and plays Die Stem, a traditional Zulu shield or an old Springbok rugby jersey, there is a 'natural' home for it in Phuket. I will make sure it gets a prime spot in this wonderworld of kitsch.

* The Natural Restaurant (Thammachat) , 62/5 Soi Phutorn Bangkok Road, Phuket Town, 83000 Thailand Phone: (66) 076.224.287

The buffalo and the lottery

Like elsewhere in the world, the lottery is a big thing in Thailand. There are only two draws a month and the excitement and drama of choosing a lucky number results in some fascinating tales. The end-October draw was no exception. This time it was all about a half-human buffalo. I kid you not.

This week villagers in Srisaket’s Khun Han district have been flocking to pay their respects to the body of a buffalo calf. According to the local believers, this animal had what looked like a human face. But that's not all - it had the ability to transmit the winning numbers for the lottery draw.

As dutifully reported in the local newspaper, the calf died soon after birth, but not before its' owners noticed that it looked like a person. The farmers - whose names mean Smile and Think - said it had human-like nose, mouth and ears. Its legs were spreadeagled, resembling a sleeping person. However, without thinking more of it, they buried the corpse in a field.

That night the farmer's wife had a dream and her ancestors told her from beyond the grave that she should dig up the calf and conduct a religious ceremony for it. The calf was exhumed and the ceremony was duly performed.

But word had spread about this amazing animal and villagers flocked to catch a glimpse of it as it lay in "state" in the farmer's house. People brought flowers and money. Others dusted it with powder and asked the calf to make a lucky number appear in their mind so that they could win the upcoming lottery. And, due to some lucky gamblers, a legend was born.

Not everyone was a believer, though. A senior monk from the local temple, was reported to be "dubious" about conducting a Buddhist ritual around the rotting corpse of a buffalo. "Nowhere in Buddhist canon is there anything about the need to pay respects to animal ," the monk allegedly said. “The Buddhist people of Srisaket should not be gullible. I would like to remind them that it is best to conduct their lives in strict accordance with the teachings of the Buddha.”
That's all and well, but in this small village the tale of the half-human buffalo will live on for many generations and remain another legend of how to dream up a lucky number for the lottery.

My home in Chiang Mai

This week I have been in Chiang Mai, Thailand's Rose of the North, and that means I am taking advantage of one of the country's best bargains - a lovely hotel where you can stay in luxury for a pittance. The Viangbua Mansion is truly a gem when it comes to affordable accommodation.






Just imagine it - a lovely big room with breakfast for only 900 baht a night (that's less than R200 for a room sleeping two people!) And, as you can see by the pictures here, the hotel is no budget affair. Rooms are large, with a separate seating area, a balcony with a view of the Doi Suthep mountains, satellite television, air conditioning, refrigerator, en-suite bathroom with hot shower and a (very firm) big double bed - or two singles. Security is excellent. An electronic key card gets you into your room - and is needed to activate the lift (which only takes you to the floor where your room is located).


And the staff are very friendly and hospitable and certainly treat regulars like old friends. They will advise you what to buy cheaply at the market next door, call a taxi for you, serve you coffee on the terrace overlooking the street (even when the coffee bar staff are off-duty) and teach you a word or two of Thai. They are genuinely nice and certainly not just doing it for a tip!







You can book directly with the hotel. The 900 baht a night rate even includes rates and taxes and breakfast for two! If you stay a week, the rate goes down to 800 baht a night. Whatever way you look at it, it represents incredible value. And the hotel, which also has serviced apartments for monthly hire, does not rip you off with the extras. The mini bar prices are the same as the nearby Seven 11 outlet, with a can of Coke at 15 baht (about R3,50). You can order room service from the restaurant at amazingly low prices.

Here are some examples:
Fried rice with pork or chicken 30 baht
Fried rice with shrimps 40 baht
Rice with teriyaki pork 40 baht
Fried rice noodles with pork or chicken 35 baht
Freshly brewed coffee 25 baht
Cuppacino 30 baht
Bottle of Singha beer 30 baht
Bottle of Heineken beer 38 baht
Coke 12 baht
All the above are priced less than R10 (45 baht at current exchange rates).

The eight-floor hotel is located out of the city centre area, but in a lovely part of town with a big Thai market next door and close to many bars and nightspots. It is near one of the local universities, so there are plenty of young people around, keeping the area lively till all hours of the night. Nearby is a great outdoor garden bar and a fabulous restaurant (which also sells antiques) built around a Buddhist shrine.







The hotel also has a big parking area, a gym, a coffee bar and wireless internet access. Check it out on http://www.viangbuamansion-chiangmai.com/