How to avoid tourist traps and get the most out of a trip to BangkokBefore my first trip to Thailand many years back, I asked a regular visitor what I should do in Bangkok. "Just keep smiling," he said. His strange reply did little to help me find the best spots in town, but was probably the best bit of advice I have ever received.
What you will discover on a visit to Thailand is that the charm and irresistible lure of the City of Angels has less to do with its spectacular Grand Palace, glitzy shopping malls, bargain-laden markets and tongue-tingling cuisine and everything to do with the Thai people.
When it comes to charm, hospitality and genuine friendliness, there's no-one to touch these gentle-natured people. They just keep smiling and expect you to do the same. You won't know which of the 13 types of smile they are giving you and it doesn't really matter. The bottom line is they love tourists (and their dollars) and are genuinely happy to see you. Forget any preconceptions you have, they will worm their way into your heart and keep you coming back for more. This is part of the reason why Thailand's tourism outperforms its neighbours and has one of the highest rate of return visitors in the world.
But let me answer my question: "What should I do in Bangkok?" From its steamy streets and smoke-belching buses to its golden temples and flashy go-go dancers, the Thai capital heaves with a unique character that can be totally addictive. However, the real answer to the question lies in what you want from your visit. As with other big cities, you will discover the city you want to find.If it's shopping you're after, you'll discover some of the finest malls in the world (headed by the spectacular Siam Paragon) and an amazing array of markets (ranging from the amazing 'floating market' on the Chao Praya River to the world's biggest flea market, the Chatuchak Weekend Market, a vast warren of stalls selling discounted goods at jaw-droppingly cheap prices). No doubt, you will visit a tailor for a new suit or a made-to-fit designer copy and trawl through the Pratunam Market for cut-rate clothing.
If you want to see the historical sights and follow the tourist trail, you will head for the Grand Palace with its priceless emerald buddha, the sparkling Temple of Dawn, Wat Po with its reclining buddha and the world's largest teak building, the Vimanmek Museum. You will go on a cruise down the Chao Praya River, past spectacular five-star hotels, temples, university and markets. You may even be tempted into visiting a crocodile farm or taking a ride on an elephant.
The song "One Night in Bangkok" immortalised the saucy side of the city, with its gogo clubs and sordid strip shows. It still exists, but is heavily outnumbered by the many nightclubs and bars that are packed with the city residents every night. The Thais love a party and don't mind you joining in. However, you'll be surprised to discover that Bangkok's nightspots are not open till dawn. Since a crackdown on vice a year or two back the official closing time is 1am. Of course, locals and expats party on at the many karoake clubs and bars that stay open illegally, but the places you will be offered as a tourist are not recommended.
If you do want a peak at the seamier side of Bangkok, take an organised nightlife tour (with a group, not a private tour guide) and you will be herded from one spot to another. You'll get a general picture. If you want to go alone, avoid the notorious Patpong where the upper-floor bars offer promises of extraordinary acts but only deliver overpriced drinks and strong-arm tactics. Rather opt for Soi Cowboy off Sukhumvit Road or the nearby Nana Plaza, where the atmosphere is more friendly. You'll probably be surprised by the number of Western couples and sightseers having an innocently good time.
But what ultimately defines Bangkok are not its well-publicised attractions, but the hidden spots and overwhelming contrasts the city delivers. This is a city where you can follow in the footsteps of Noel Coward and have English afternoon tea at the famous Oriental Hotel or dine at a very popular restaurant named Condoms and Cabbages, where you get a condom instead of an after-dinner mint. (The restaurant was started by an Aids activist doctor to encourage the use of condoms). This is also a city where you can watch a monk on his alms round at 5am receiving a traditional wai greeting from a gogo girl on her way home. No-one would consider this extraordinary.In this amazing city you can visit the city’s most beautiful teak home (built by Jim Thompson, the silk industry magnate who mysteriously died while hunting tigers in Malaysia) and then traipse through a hospital museum which exhibits stillborn children in glass jars and the corpse of Thailand's most famous mass murderer, a Chinese cannibal.
It is a city of so many contrasts that you are bound to feel quite dizzy on your first visit. But, once you settle down and let its charming exuberance wash over you, you will be hooked for life. Bangkok is not a one-visit city. Get hooked and you will always come back for more.After living in Thailand for five years, I have wandered along grubby alleys lined with food vendors and ancient Chinese medicine shops. I have chatted to lottery salesladies, policemen and prostitutes, and visited everything from a boxing training school to little Buddhist shrines where executives kneel to pray as they head for their corporate skyscrapers.
Every day I learn something new, but allow me to share the benefits of my experiences. Here are my 10 golden tips:
1. Stay in a good hotel. No other thing will have a greater influence on the enjoyment of Bangkok. Your hotel is not just a place to sleep. It's your refuge from the head and humidity, an escape from the crowded streets with their pungent aromas and your own space away from the pushy taxi drivers and pesky street vendors. On my first trip, I was booked into a crummy backstreet hotel with musty, dusty rooms and faulty air-conditioning and I couldn't leave Bangkok quickly enough. When booking a trip, remember that most packages use the cheapest hotels to make the price as appealing as possible. Upgrade the hotel - for as little as R100 a night you could end up in splendid accommodation. The best areas are around Silom-Sathorn, Sukhumvit Road and, of course, along the Chao Praya River.
2. Avoid tuk-tuks. These noisy, little motorbike 'taxi cars' have become a symbol of Bangkok. They are appealing and you will want to have your picture taken in one. But don't consider them for anything than a short, fun trip and always agree the price in advance. Tuk-tuk drivers are the city's leading rip-off merchants and the scourge of the tourism industry. They will overcharge you, take you to fake jewellery stores, dump you outside tailor shops, shortchange you - in fact, they will do anything to get their hands on tourist dollars. Not all are dishonest, but there are enough out there to avoid them altogether. The metered taxis, the skytrain and the metro are a much better bet.
3. A massage is not always a massage. Make sure you enjoy some of the cheapest massages on the planet. Nothing beats a foot massage after a day out tramping the streets or a body massage to give you a new spring in your step. However, some massage parlours specialise in additional services. (Yes, sex). The easiest way to tell the difference is the same way the tax authorities do - if you are asked choose your masseur, then the chances are that more than a body rub is on offer. Wherever you go, a foot or Thai body massage will be safe - an "oil massage" can be the code for extras.
Every day I learn something new, but allow me to share the benefits of my experiences. Here are my 10 golden tips:
1. Stay in a good hotel. No other thing will have a greater influence on the enjoyment of Bangkok. Your hotel is not just a place to sleep. It's your refuge from the head and humidity, an escape from the crowded streets with their pungent aromas and your own space away from the pushy taxi drivers and pesky street vendors. On my first trip, I was booked into a crummy backstreet hotel with musty, dusty rooms and faulty air-conditioning and I couldn't leave Bangkok quickly enough. When booking a trip, remember that most packages use the cheapest hotels to make the price as appealing as possible. Upgrade the hotel - for as little as R100 a night you could end up in splendid accommodation. The best areas are around Silom-Sathorn, Sukhumvit Road and, of course, along the Chao Praya River.
2. Avoid tuk-tuks. These noisy, little motorbike 'taxi cars' have become a symbol of Bangkok. They are appealing and you will want to have your picture taken in one. But don't consider them for anything than a short, fun trip and always agree the price in advance. Tuk-tuk drivers are the city's leading rip-off merchants and the scourge of the tourism industry. They will overcharge you, take you to fake jewellery stores, dump you outside tailor shops, shortchange you - in fact, they will do anything to get their hands on tourist dollars. Not all are dishonest, but there are enough out there to avoid them altogether. The metered taxis, the skytrain and the metro are a much better bet.
3. A massage is not always a massage. Make sure you enjoy some of the cheapest massages on the planet. Nothing beats a foot massage after a day out tramping the streets or a body massage to give you a new spring in your step. However, some massage parlours specialise in additional services. (Yes, sex). The easiest way to tell the difference is the same way the tax authorities do - if you are asked choose your masseur, then the chances are that more than a body rub is on offer. Wherever you go, a foot or Thai body massage will be safe - an "oil massage" can be the code for extras.
4. Haggle your socks off. In street markets and tourist stores where the items are not marked with prices, you are expected to bargain. The general rule is that the real price is 25-30% of the given price. These markets, with their fake Rolex watches, dubious Louis Vuitton luggage and superb Thai handicrafts, are great fun, but you may not get value for money. Your nationality is an important factor - that's why the seller's first question is "Where you come from?" Resist the temptation to say America or England ("Oooh, you have big money"). Stick with South Africa. They'll be puzzled or already know that our currency is no great shakes. But don't get too 'hit up' about the prices - decide what it is worth to you and don't go any higher. Someone will always have paid less (and more) than you. 
5. Eat on the street. Get rid of your inhibitions and eat where the people of Bangkok do - at the street stalls. All over the city, you will find food carts and makeshift stalls selling everything from grilled chicken and noodle soup to prawn salad and Thai sweets. Check which stalls are the busiest and head there. Pull up a little plastic stool and taste the local delicacies. A phrase yu may need is ‘mai pet’ (as in ‘my pet’), which means “not too spicy”. The food is cheap - usually from 20-40 baht (R4-R8). Don't be surprised if your drink is served in a plastic bag, just hold the bag in one hand and sip through the straw.
6. Honour the Royal Family. Don't even think of making a joke or criticising the King or the Queen. It's best not to comment or ask questions, as anything that could be construed as unfavourable will be frowned upon. The Royal Family are idolised by the Thais and this respect is shown to all images of them, whether on the shrine-like displays across the city or the banknotes. In the same vein, don't show disrespect to Buddha or monks in this heavily-Buddhist country.
7. Dine in the sky. Two of Bangkok's top restaurants are situated on the top of skyscraper buildings, giving diners an amazing view of the city. These are not tourist traps, most guests are wealthy Bangkok residents and expats who know the classiest spots in town. Located on the 63rd floor of The Dome at State Tower, Sirocco is the world’s highest al fresco restaurant with a bar which hangs out over the edge of the building. Local bigwigs recently paid 30,000 dollars each for a charity dinner here. It'll cost you far less, but the splendid view will be the same. An alternative is Vertigo on the 61st floor of the Banyan Tree Hotel. Sip a traditional 'Mai Thai' cocktail and dine on two of the house specialities - grilled oysters with parmesan cheese and grilled scallops with hazelnut and coriander butter.
8. Cross the Bridge. If you want to take a trip out of town, the one to go for takes you to Kanchanaburi, about two hours drive from Bangkok. It is a pretty town and you'll get to see the countryside but the main reason for heading this way is the 'Bridge over the River Kwai', the start of the infamous World War II Death Railway to Burma (Myanmar). Immortalized in the famous movie and novel, about 16,000 prisoners of war and 100,000 Asians died during the construction. You can walk across the bridge and check out the museum, but the biggest treat is to catch the small tourist train which takes you across the bridge and back again for only 20 baht (R4.)
9. A lady is not always a lady. Thailand has an extraordinary number of ladyboys and transvestites (known as katoey in Thai). In many cases, you will not be able to tell the difference between the real and the fake. Don't bother to look for an Adam's Apple - those are surgically removed. If the 'girl' you meet seems extraordinarily feminine or looks like a supermodel or film star, beware. The real Thai girls are mostly very modest and sweet and do not "strut their stuff". Katoeys are widely accepted in Thai society and nearly every soapie or game show on TV will feature one.
10. Go to Bed for a night out. In a city overflowing with nightlife options, Bed Supperclub is a veteran. But this amazing club, with white leather beds that stretches the length of the venue, is still top of the heap. Meet interesting Asians, expats and visitors as you lounge, dine or dance on the ‘bed’. However, this is not the place to wear your latest ‘fake’ designer gear – regulars here know the difference.*This article was written for the Sunday Times Travel and Food magazine in South Africa
