South African Couples are Happiest

I read with some surprise (and great delight) that a survey has found that South Africa recorded the highest level of domestic bliss. A staggering 82 percent of Safricans reported that nothing could make them happier than their current partner.

The research was conducted in 24 countries, with the unhappiest being the Japanese and the South Koreans. Nearly half of them said they would hesitate to claim that their partner was the single best thing in their lives. However, they conceded that their partner was at least partly responsible for some of their happiness.

Overall, nearly two-thirds of married couples said their partner was the most important source of happiness in their lives. That's rather heartening. And it's great to know that everyone back home is blissfully happy.

Could it be true?

Charlize Theron Faces Red Carpet Boycott

Hollywood's celebrity photographers are threatening to boycott Charlize Theron on the eve of the Academy Awards, saying they are sick of the star's behaviour.

With the film industry gearing up for the Oscars tonight (27/2/12), the New York Post reports that photographers say they are "sick" of the star's behaviour and could down their cameras en masse.

Under the headline: "Red carpet photogs consider ban on Charlize Theron", the newspaper quotes veteran Hollywood photographer James Smeal as saying Theron "doesn't like to stop for us or even smile". Smeal reportedly told Fox News: "I even said congratulations when she was nominated for a Golden Globe, and she totally ignores you. That's the worst."

Other photographers accuse Theron of being "typically rushed" if she even stops at all. They point out that they are not street paparazzi, but photo journalists who covered entertainment. "We are shooting for legitimate agencies," said one. "We don't want to be disrespected; surely a smile for a few moments isn't that hard."

But at least one New York-based photographer came to Theron's defence, saying she did not respond well to the boisterous yelling and screaming. "Ask her nicely and calmly, and I have never had a problem. She just doesn't like rudeness."

The newspaper did not say if - or when - a ban on the South African-born actress would begin. In 1997 celebrity photographers boycotted George Clooney for a comment he made about tabloid snappers, but he apologised to them and the ban was dropped.

Smeal said others who had been boycotted in the past included Sylvester Stallone, Sharon Stone and Jennifer Lopez.

Why I quit smoking

The anti-tobacco lobby have got it all wrong. All the scare tactics under the sun did nothing to stop me smoking. In fact, bearing in mind my rebellious nature, they made me more determined than ever to smoke. And the cost wasn't a dealbreaker, either. I could always find money for a pack of cigarettes.

So, what the hell made me stop after 30 years? No amount of nagging from ANYBODY, that's for sure. What made me throw it up was the information below. If you're a smoker, maybe it will help you decide. Here are the golden words:

These are some of the more immediate effects of quitting smoking and how they will affect your body right now:
* In 20 minutes your blood pressure will drop back down to normal.
* In 8 hours the carbon monoxide (a toxic gas) levels in your blood stream will drop by half, and oxygen levels will return to normal.
* In 48 hours your chance of having a heart attack will have decreased. All nicotine will have left your body. Your sense of taste and smell will return to a normal level.
* In 72 hours your bronchial tubes will relax, and your energy levels will increase.
* In 2 weeks your circulation will increase, and it will continue to improve for the next 10 weeks.
* In 3 to 9 months coughing, wheezing, and breathing problems will dissipate as your lung capacity improves by 10%.
* In 1 year your risk of having a heart attack will have dropped by half.
* In 5 years your risk of having a stroke returns to that of a non-smoker.
* In 10 years your risk of lung cancer will have returned to that of a non-smoker.
* In 15 years your risk of heart attack will have returned to that of a non-smoker.

Makes interesting reading, doesn't it?

I had my last cigarette on 11 August 2010. Do I miss it? For sure, every single day. If there was a safe way to smoke, I would be out there puffing away. That would be fun.

The Bargirls Ten Commandments

1. Determine if the buffalo lives and/or works in Thailand . If he does, attempt to seal the deal quickly. There is very little chance that we will be able to put our hands in his wallet other than for this one-off transaction. He knows too much and will be a hard target. He might even have good contacts if we trick him, deceive him or steal from him so unless he is exceptionally handsome and/or rich, try and get him to go short time and then return to the bar to find a tourist. Tourists are the more profitable customers because, when they go back to their country, they send you money. Also, if he has a cheap neck tie, scuffed and unpolished cheap leather shoes, is wearing white socks with business trousers and leather shoes or simply seems reluctant to buy you a drink, ask him if he is an English teacher. If he is, forget giving him the respect we give to Thai ajarns and quickly move on to the next customer. English teachers earn in a month what we earn in a week so there are no exceptions!

2. Give your phone number and email address to every customer (except English teachers because they will call and e-mail you incessantly looking for free boom boom). Even the buffalo who smells bad, the buffalo with the hairy back and the buffalo who refused to shower should be given your contact details.

Encourage him to contact you when he returns to his country. When he does, the internet shop manager can write you an e-mail explaining why he should send you some money - sick buffalo, ill parent or sibling, tsunami etc. And don't worry, you're not lying so this is not bad karma. All of these things happen, they just may not be happening right now. If he is Khun Jai Dee he will send 20,000 baht or more. Mr. Kee-neow will send less and lie about the £ or $ being weak. They're not. They are still the same colour as before. We have seen them and they haven't changed. Liars! Never give up. E-mail him every month. If after 6 months he has not sent you money, tell him it is your birthday in a few days. They all fall for that but it is usually something miserable like 5,000 baht. Cheap bastards.

3. Always tell the buffaloes that Thai men are no good. "Thai man no good" should be said to every customer. They hear it enough and they believe it. If the buffalo ever sees you with your pua (husband, coarse Thai) dropping you off to work on his motorbike or eating noodle soup after you have done a short time, just say it is your brother.

4. If you're aged under 25 then get you hair dyed blonde, orange or other bright colour and apply for a job at a bar popular with Japanese. Baccarra in Soi Cowboy and Rainbow 2 and Rainbow 4 in Nana Plaza are good choices. The Japanese customers are the best because of the rule of 4s (4 inches, 4 minutes, 4,000 baht). But remember that you have to make as much as you can from them now because they are different to the buffaloes and seldom send money when they go home. Anyway, their English sucks, yeah it is even worse than ours, so don't bother giving them any contact details.

5. There are many bad men who try to stop us making money from the buffalo. Be careful of the man who asks many questions, buys lots of drinks but does not barfine us. He is the devil. Also, be careful of men who take your photo with digital cameras. They put it in the internet and now everyone can see us. If a buffalo is sending you money and he sees your photo on the internet then maybe he will stop!

6. The buffaloes roo mark (know too much) these days. Thai language schools are becoming as ubiquitous as 7 Eleven stores and even some guys who come for a holiday speak decent Thai. They are devious, these foreign buffaloes, and they listen to what we are saying and pretend they do not understand. How dare they?! When we talk together, use Lao or Khmer dialects because the buffalo are always looking to trick us, the devils. But be careful, some of them even understand those dialects. The buffaloes get trickier all the time.

7. If you meet a rich, generous buffalo, invite him to your village. Make sure the whole village knows that there will be a welcome dinner when he arrives and everyone is invited. He will pay. Make sure you negotiate a 10% commission with the restaurant before you go. Don't let him stay in a hotel but in the family house. Let him see and feel what a traditional Thai home feels like. He will take pity on us and if we play it right, he will offer to build us a new house. Send your Thai pua to a neighbour's house for a few days but if they will not take him, introduce him as your brother. If you already have a house built by one buffalo, go to an aunt or uncle's house and introduce them as your family. The same rules apply. If you are good, you might get two houses or more...!

8. Locate all of the offices for Western Union and Moneygram. Collect the free leaflets and give to the buffalo so they know how to send us money. Open different bank accounts and always have one bank account book with you at all times with a balance under 1,000 baht. Update it frequently so it looks like it is your main account. The book for the account that has most of your money must be hidden and the buffalo must never ever see it. We know the buffalo aren't aren't clever so we have to make it easy for them.

9. Join the '3 AM Club'. Every bar has a 3 AM club which comprises a bunch of the younger girls in the bar. Befriend them and make sure that you have their phone numbers stored in your phone. If they have gone with a customer, call them at 3 AM and tell them where you are. When the phone rings they will be with a buffalo and can make an excuse to leave. "My friend lost key for loom." "Mother come from province to visit me." "Baby is sick and must go to ban nok to take care." They will come and meet you and you can now go and play cards for the money you made tonight, or go as a group and a hire a nice hard-bodied Thai boy for the night, or if you have a boyfriend or husband, go to him. Don't worry about the buffalo you're with in the hotel loom. Whatever was agreed earlier with the buffalo doesn't matter. Tell him you must go and that you will collect money for long time service. If he protests, start screaming and yelling at him. Threaten to smash his laptop or camera. Tell him you will go to the police. If there is a balcony, threaten to jump off. Only a few minutes yelling and screaming is the difference between 1,500 and 3,000 baht.

10. Have two mobile phones and make sure one is an older, cheap model. Make sure the buffalo only sees the cheap one. If he forces you to go long time, give him the morning session of his life and then take him straight to Tuk Com. After you have eaten (order as much as you can and take the bulk home to eat that evening), take him to Level 2 where all of the mobile phone vendors are. Find the newest most expensive phone you can and stare at it. Make sure he sees some tears in your eyes and don't leave until he buys it for you. If he resists, start crying. The buffaloes do anything when we cry. If he buys mobile phone, stay with him and a few days later take him to a gold shop. Repeat the steps until he buys the gold. Take both to the pawn shop and sell them as soon as he leaves.

Bangkok is really cheap!

Thank goodness I live in Thailand and not Norway! A survey of 32 international cities has found that Oslo is the world's most expensive place to live - and, to my delight, Bangkok is the second most affordable city on the globe.

Oslo topped PriceRunner's International Price Comparison survey for the fourth year running. Prices in Oslo were found to be a third more expensive than the global average. Stockholm, Helsinki and Copenhagen took places 4, 6 and 7, respectively.

Not surprisingly for those who have watched in horror as prices soar, Cape Town was found to be the 12th most expensive city in the world. Shocking, isn't it?

Meanwhile, Bangkok came in at number 31 only “out cheapened” by Mumbai, where prices were 27 percent lower than the global average.

The survey looked at a range of products that included everyday items such as milk and petrol as well as luxury items and technology.

Ranking - City - Percentage above or below average

1 Oslo 35.3%
2 Sao Paulo 27.1%
3 Sydney 20.5%
4 Stockholm 15.5%
5 Reykjavik 14.9%
6 Helsinki 11.5%
7 Copenhagen 10.6%
8 Tokyo 9.8%
9 Paris 8.3%
10 Rome 4.4%
11 Dublin 2.0%
12 Cape Town 1.6%
13 Amsterdam 0.5%
14 Brussels -0.1%
15 Vienna -0.2%
16 Athens -0.4%
17 London -0.9%
18 Madrid -1.2%
19 Lisbon -1.2%
20 Buenos Aires -3.0%
21 Moscow -4.8%
22 Budapest -6.1%
23 Berlin -6.7%
24 Warsaw -7.8%
25 Prague -8.1%
26 Vilnius -13.3%
27 New York -14.5%
28 Shanghai -14.8%
29 San Francisco -16.2%
30 Dubai -16.2%
31 Bangkok -19.8%
32 Mumbai -26.9%

The Places I Dream Of

I know I am lucky to be living in such an idyllic place, but I still dream of jetting off somewhere else for a change of scenery. Don't get me wrong - I am not bored with my life in Phuket, but I have always had a wandering soul.....

So here is a list of the places I would love to visit in the next year or so.......

1. The Karoo, South Africa: Oh, the big, big sky of the Karoo beckons, the wide open plains, the shimmering heat, the farmhouses with big verandas, samp and beans and oats porridge with farm butter....

2. Ipanema Beach, Rio de Janeiro; The beautiful people, the gorgeous sunsets and the exciting saunas...to Rio I must go!

3. The Greek Islands: I don't care that the economy has collapsed or that the Euro has made everything expensive, I am determined to go back this summer. The architecture and lifestyle does it for me. Naxos, anyone?

4. New York City: The city that makes all others seem dull. I had always dreamt that I would en up living in NYC - there's still time..... Central Park, Fifth Avenie, Greenwich Village...

5. Dubai: Goodness knows, I might hate it. But I do love the idea of a city created in the middle of the desert from nothing. I know I will love the hotels, the shopping means nothing to me. My soulmate Helen is living there now, so that's more than enough reason to get there....

6. Manila, Philippines: I know very little about it, but the Filipinos I have met have been so much fun that I have got to see where they come from. I feel some romance awaits me there. If I do hate it, I can always visit Boracay.

7. Las Vegas: I loved Vegas the only time I have been there. Just love gambling with low denominations so that I can't lose a lot. I am not a real gambler, but I want to have the fun without the risk. I am fascinated by the people who love Vegas.

8. Luang Prabang, Laos: Its so close to Thailand that its shameful that I haven't been to visit this sleepy backwater. I know I will love it, perhas too much. Will anyone come and visit me if I settle in Laos.

9. Rome, Italy: Have never been to Italy, which is a sin. And I guess the best place to start off is Rome. But I would like to check out Florence as well. And take in the Italian countryside. Watch out Italy, I am on my way!

10. The Outback, Australia: I am not so keen to see Perth, Sydney or Melbourne, but I do want to experience life on a farm deep in the Aussie Outback. But it needs to fit my romantic image of an oasis in the desert. No flies and Evian water, please.

Finally, I will always be drawn back to Haga Haga (Eastern Cape's Wild Coast, South Africa), where my soul rests and I feel totally at home.

Please comment, listing your dream destination. If Phuket's on your list, I'll give you a free tour!

It's true - Thais are getting bigger

Something I have suspected for some time turned out to be true this week - Thai people are getting bigger. Below is an article published in newspapers here this week (February 2009) which shows just how they have grown.

I don't think it's different for any other nationality - I seem to remember an airline survey some time which found that the size of backsides had ballooned.... (Just look around). Not that this made the airlines increase the size of their seats - they just cut down on the amount of food served and introduced slimming (ie. low-cost) menus.

But back to the Thai people. When I first came to Thailand, one did not see too many overweight Thais on the streets. However these days the number of fat children is quite obvious. The government is well aware of it and they have outdoor aerobics sessions in parks and squares in most towns in a bid to help people keep fit.

However, the spread of fast-food outlets and ice-cream shops is definitely having an effect. Here's the story:

BANGKOK: -- Thailand’s first standard body size chart has been unveiled to the public on Wednesday, with Thai people developing bigger sizes and shapes than the past generation.

The National Electronics and Computer Technology Center (NECTEC), under the Ministry of Science and Technology, announced its team of 11 researchers has successfully developed Thai standard size chart under the two-year programme called ‘SizeThailand’.

Dr. Chularat Tanprasert, who initiates the SizeThailand programme, said researchers have collated the average size of 13,442 Thai men and women of different age group across the country by using advanced 3D Body Scanning technology.

The research found that Thai men have grown more than seven centimetre taller and about 12 kilometre fatter, while Thai women have grown five centimetre taller and about five and a half kilogrammes fatter compared to 25 years ago. ‘Thai women’s waistline has also ballooned by 3.7 inches, bottom grown by 2 inches and chest expanded by 2.2 inches,’ said Dr. Chularat.

The fact that Thai men and women have developed significantly bigger chests, waists and bottoms, means the shape of the average Thai has also changed. In particular, Dr. Chularat noted, the women have become more tubular and have less of the traditional hourglass shape.

Meanwhile, Minister of Science and Technology Dr. Kalaya Sophonpanich said the findings will help Thai fashion, furniture and automobile industries design products which better suit the typical Thai physical standard and adopt more effective stockpile management strategies.

Dr. Kalaya added that the SizeThailand programme also gives advantages to medical experts to apply data analysing specific health risks associated with the patient’s physique.

The minister noted Thailand is the fifth country, after the United States, the United Kingdom, France and Japan respectively, to have used Three Dimensional (3D) Body Scanning technology to collate data on their population to develop typical standard body size chart for the benefits of the local industries.

SizeThai (acronym TH) consists of nine sizes for men: TH 32, 34, 36, 38, 40, 42, 44, and 46m while there are 10 sizes for women: TH 28, 30, 32, 34, 36, 38, 40,c42, 44 and 46. The majority of Thai men size are TH 40, while women are TH 36.

-- TNA 2009-02-25

Certainly interesting - as long as they keep 3D screener away from me....

My darling, I'm pregnant

The battle between sugar daddies and their young mistresses is a never-ending saga in Thailand. However, the shenanigans in the Land of Smiles is not restricted to silly middle-aged foreigners who are easily duped - the Thai men are proving just as gullible. The young girls have to think up all sorts of tales to get their unattractive beaus to party to part with their hard-earned bucks (or baht, as is the case here).

Apparently, the latest trick is for the cunning lady to have her stomach injected with chemicals which results in her appearing to be pregnant. The tearful young girl then approaches her middle-aged lover with the dreadful news. This is a deadly weapon: not only does this raise the odds of his wife finding out, but he faces the prospect of paying for his love child for the rest of his life.

He persuades her to have a backstreet abortion. She agrees with great reluctance, but has amazingly already worked out how much it will cost him (at least double the normal rate, of course). A middle-ranked civil servant may quibble about a few thousand baht, but high-ranking government officials or upright leaders of the community will happily pay up to avoid the scandal.

The scam has been reported by the Nation Newspaper in Bangkok, based on an interview with a 20-year-old college student from Ubon Rachathani, but all official sources claim they have not heard a whisper of such despicable behaviour. Of course not, that would mean they are condoning it, wouldn't it?

The girls say that their mean 'sugar daddies' sometimes only paid them the equivalent of 10-20 US dollars a month and had mastered the art of delaying when the girls asked for small gifts like new motorbikes, cars and brand-name fashion accessories. The trick of claiming to be pregnant - backed up by a swollen belly - has been identified as the surest way to getting them to pay up quickly. Students apparently learnt the trick from TV soap operas.

The only downside for the girls trying out this trick is that the sugar daddy tends to become less infatuated with the young temptress afterwards. That makes it essential to ensure that the fake big belly lands a hefty pay packet!

It's a lot of bull, really

After all the hullabaloo about former Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra's accumulation of wealth, one might have expected him to head up the list of Thailand's richest men. After all, he did own the country's biggest mobile phone network before his fall from grace and went on to buy the Manchester City football club while in exile.

But Thaksin is not the richest by far. The country's wealthiest man is Chaleo Yoovidhya. Never heard of him? Well, maybe you know the product that made him an estimated fortune of 4 billion US dollars - Red Bull. Yes, the world's favourite energy drink is a Thai invention. Second on the list is another purveyor of beverages - the Chang beer boss Charoen Sirivadhanabhakdi at US$3,9 million. In fact, of the 40 richest people in Thailand named by Forbes magazine, eight of them got rich through food and beverages, a record for any country. The names have remained fairly stable for years, a sign that the businesses were set up decades ago and continue to be run by the same families.

Although Thaksin comes in at only 16th place with a net worth of 400 million dollars, this is still 100 million up on last year. And there is still the prickly little matter of the two billion US dollars frozen by the Thai authorities. That's the fortune he made from the 2006 sale of his telecoms company to Singapore. Put that back on his balance sheet and he returns to the super league. In fact, he can start thinking of hob-nobbing with the beverage barons.

Bangkok comes out tops

I love the annual polls in which readers of the top travel magazines vote for the best cities, best hotels, best islands and best airlines. Most of the time I tend to agree with them, but occasionally they do throw up a surprise or two. The ones worth noting are those done by Conde Nast Traveler magazines (UK and US) and Travel + Leisure magazine. I find them far more reliable than the rather ridiculous World Travel Awards, which has so many categories that it is almost impossible NOT to win an award

Anyway, the results of the Travel + Leisure magazine poll have just been released. And it should come as no surprise to Thailand lovers that Bangkok has been voted the world's best city for 2008. Oh, how wonderful it is to think that the city of traffic jams, gogo bars and glittering temples managed to jostle out snobby Sydney and Italy's ever-so-classical Florence and Rome to the top spot.

Less exciting for fans of Thailand is that not one of our islands managed to make it into the list of top ten islands, which was won by the Galapagos Islands and Bali, followed by silly Hawaii. Come off it! Who on earth goes to the Galapagos? A few tortoise lovers, I believe. And I mean only a few. After all, thanks to the rantings of Charles Darwin, 97% of it is a national park. Obviously the readers have yet to taste a watermelon shake or experience a beach massage on Phuket. But my island did sneak in as the second best island in Asia behind the perenially over-rated Bali and just ahead of Penang in Malaysia, where the beaches are as clean as a Cairo sewer.

Switching my allegiance back to my country of birth, I was delighted that a South African hotel was once again voted the best in the world - the Singita Sabi Sand at the Kruger National Park. Yes, we do have truly great hotels in South Africa, matched in my book only by those in Thailand. I guess its no fluke that the two countries in my heart have the best hotels in the world!!

The US-based magazine's readers voted Singapore Airlines grabbed the best airline award again. There's never much doubt about that one - the clever devils from that island state somehow always manage to stay ahead of the pack. Singapore Airlines was followed by Emirates, Thai Airways and Cathay Pacific.

The results were complied from votes by magazine subscribers in an Internet poll which went live between January and March.

Top 10 cities :

1 Bangkok, Thailand
2 Buenos Aires, Argentina
3 Cape Town, South Africa
4 Sydney, Australia
5 Florence, Italy
6 Cuzco, Peru
7 Rome, Italy
8 New York, US
9 Istanbul, Turkey
10 San Francisco, US

Great to see Cape Town in third place and my beloved New York City making the list, but I would find a spot there for Amsterdam...

Full moon parties and sexy rocks

There has to be something special about an island where the people celebrate every full moon as if it is their last day on earth and where rocks shaped like human sex organs are major attractions. This is Koh Samui, an island in the Gulf of Thailand, which has become one of the hottest destinations in Asia.

Once the secret haunt of backpackers, who made the 35km trip from the Thai mainland in rickety fishing boats, Samui now has a new international airport to cater for the increasing number of sun-seekers looking for a unique trip . And Samui is certainly different. From the airport with its open-sided thatched terminal buildings to the jungle health spas, this island has managed to carve out a unique image.

Backpackers still rent tiny huts on the beach and spend their days swinging in hammocks , but alongside them super-luxury hotels and trendy restaurants are springing up to cater for a new breed of free- spending tourist. They shop for designer outfits at exclusive boutiques; sip cocktails at Brazilian and Scandinavian bars; dine out on anything from classical French cuisine to Indian biryani and Korean bibimbap; boogie to the sounds of international deejays; and sleep in five- star villas with private pools and Jacuzzis. The Samui of today is far more hip than hippie.

But back to the full-moon celebrations. These all-night parties actually take place on the neighbouring island of Koh Phangan, but it is the flood of revellers boating across from Samui that make them swing. From early afternoon, people laden with alcohol and other party substances start arriving . The beach at Haad Rin is packed by sunset. As music blares from huge speakers strung along the beach, up to 30000 party animals dance, kiss and cuddle till dawn. Plain-clothed policemen mingle with the crowd, but this is still one wild, wild party. And it happens every month, whatever the weather.

While the full-moon parties may not lure the honeymooners and family folk, there are still plenty of other places to let your hair down. The most popular nightclub on the island, Green Mango, has become the centre of a rowdy strip of bars and clubs, while Bangkok’s renowned Q Bar has opened a branch on a hill overlooking the main tourist area of Chaweng Beach. For some light-hearted titillation, there are transvestite shows, where the “girls ” strut their stuff.

For many years, Samui lay in the shadow of Thailand’s most popular island resort, Phuket. But after the tsunami three years ago, many travellers opted for Samui, which was untouched by the tragedy. It has a charm that seduces visitors like few other islands. It may not be blessed with Phuket’s abundance of perfect swimming beaches, but Samui comes up trumps when it comes to health spas, eco-friendly excursions and lavish villas with breath-taking views of the coast.

For tourists, there are three must-see attractions: a massive golden Buddha statue at Bang Rak beach; the Ang Thong National Marine Park, a string of undeveloped islands offering great diving and snorkelling; and the Grandmother and Grandfather rocks, strangely shaped like human sex organs. Few tourists return home without a photograph of themselves giggling in front of these edifices.

The real charm of Samui is that, despite its alluring trendiness , one can still find pockets of rural island life. Get up before dawn to watch orange-robed monks collecting alms in the streets. Go to a Muay Thai boxing match to discover that the quiet Thais can get pretty heated when it comes to supporting their favourites. Find a traditional Chinese shophouse, where you can buy herbal cures for your aches and pains. Or visit the Buddhist temple, where you can see the mummified body of a monk who died in a meditating position.

Be sure to head for one of the Thai markets inland and taste real Thai food. S pecialities include yam khai hoy men, a salad of sea urchin roe, and tom som waay, a sour soup made from octopus. And you must try khao man thua khiaow, rice cooked in coconut milk with dried beans.

You can trek up one of the mountains and find a lookout spot where the view is of undisturbed coconut groves fringed by the dark blue ocean. When you have to leave and go home, the sight from the plane will probably be of the Big Buddha glinting in the sun and little pockets of holidaymakers sprawled along the white sandy beaches.

The question won’t be whether you will return, the question will be when.

This article first appeared in the Sunday Times Travel and Food magazine in June 2008

A whole new me

If you've been wondering where I have been, the answer is quite simple: losing weight! I have just completed a two-week adventure (or ordeal, depending on how you look at it!) First of all, I did one week eating only fruit and vegetables and then I went to Koh Samui island for a one-week detox fast. The result is that I am 14kgs lighter.

To read all about my week at the fatfarm, check out my new blog:
http://www.peter-fatfarm.blogspot.com/

I will leave that one up for eternity, to remind myself that it is possible to survive without eating for seven days. I know that it will seem like a dream in a short few weeks, so this blog will be a permanent reminder.

The 10 Best Hotels in Phuket...and a few bad ones

So, which are the best hotels in Phuket? I wish I had a dollar for every time I am asked to recommend a hotel in Phuket. Of course, it is a devilishly difficult task unless you know somebody very, very well. Do they want to be near the action? Near shopping? In a quiet spot? On the beach? How much do they want to pay? Is room service important?

Over the years, I have visited most of the hotels on the island and have my own list of favourites. Let me share them with you:


1. Andaman White Beach Resort, Naithon Beach.

Fabulous villa rooms on the beach with private swimming pools, breakfast on a deck overlooking the sea, polite service from unobtrusive staff. If you prefer the beach and bed to nightlife and shopping, this is perfection.


2. The Old Phuket, Karon Beach.
Under-rated older hotel off the main beach, with nicely redecorated rooms and great jacuzzi rooms with private entrances. Love the Sino-Portuguese architecture and the unpretensiousness of this gentle hotel. Smart new wing on its way.


3. Impiana Phuket Cabana Resort, Patong Beach.
One of the few Patong hotels right on the beach. Post-tsunami refurbishment has updated the rooms beautifully, the public areas and gardens are stunning, so is the Salabua restaurant. One hotel you won't want to leave in the perfect Patong location.


4. Tri-Trang Beach Resort, Tri Trang Beach.
Very average rooms in a very average resort, with some rooms requiring a steep upstairs climb. But this is the tropical location you dream of - wide, desolate palm-fringed beach with only a handful of loungers and a restaurant where you can dine with your feet in the sand. Rocky beach not the best, but that helps to keep the daytrippers at bay. Get a taste of the Phuket of yesteryear.

5. Banyan Tree Phuket, Laguna, Bangtoa Beach.
One of the top three hotels on the island - the others are Trisara and Amanpuri - but Banyan Tree gets the nod for its fabulous spa, adjoining golf course and very private villas. Magnificent lobby area with sweeping views across lawns and a lake sets the stage for a great resort.


6. Poppa Palace, Patong Beach.
This small two-star hotel is squeezed into a tiny plot in one of the less salubrious areas of Patong Beach. What it offers is great rates, a tiny swimming pool (but a pool nonetheless), nice rooms, good security and a friendly staff. There's a reason why its always fully booked - it is great value.


7. Royal Phawadee Village, Patong Beach.
Masses of palms and teak-walled rooms in the heart of Patong can only mean you have stumbled on a hidden gem. French-run, you get a great room in a palm plantation, a nice swimming pool, a short walk to the beach and a great steakhouse. To top it off, the room rates are reasonable.

8. Le Tanjong Guest House, Patong Beach. Owned by my friend, this small six-room guest house is perfect if you're after a room with a comfy bed, airconditioning, en-suite bathroom, safety box and satellite television. The best thing about it is that it is kept spotlessly clean. Ok, I am biased, but its still great value for a clean, affordable place to lay your head.

9. Holiday Inn Busakorn Wing, Patong Beach. This hotel, which adjoins the old Holiday Inn, offers a refuge from the hustle and bustle of Patong Beach and the very busy 'mother ship'. You can use all the facilities of both hotels, but the Holiday Inn crowd aren't allowed into your oasis. Superb rooms, great pool area and very professional staff.

10. The Chedi, Pansea Beach.
Without the stairs, this would be the number one hotel on the island. The Chedi has a magnificent beach practically to itself. Simple villas on the beach are just fabulous, but others require hefty climbing up wooden staircases. The view is great, but you may be too puffed to enjoy it. Still, its a wonderfully understated hotel that ranks with the best.

Ten hotels I wouldn't stay in:

1. Indigo Pearl Resort, Nai Yang Beach.
Great PR cannot lift this over-rated dump into the boutique resort they claim it is. Ignore all the awards and recommendations, it's certainly nothing special. Especially at the prices they charge.

2. Diamond Cliff Resort, Kalim Beach.
Been around too long, with too little spent on refurbishment. Being eclipsed by newer rivals all around - and deservedly so. An old dame slowly dying, methinks.

3. Evason Resort, Rawai Beach.
A revamp of a crummy old resort - and it shows. The public areas are spectacular and parts rather innovative, but the standard rooms are tired and the garden looks parched and neglected. This could be a tropical paradise, but it sure aint one now.

4. Club Andaman Beach Resort, Patong Beach.
A wasted opportunity in a great location. I suspect that the lease on this resort is running out soon: I doubt there's any money being spent on it. It is crying out for Hyatt or Sheraton to give it a much-needed facelift.

5. Hilton Arcadia Phuket, Karon Beach.
Too big and too ugly to be saved, even by the Hilton brand. Okay for a conference, but you can do much better for a holiday. With all the land it occupies, I think it's time they called in the demolition team and built a proper resort.

6. Thara Patong Resort, Patong Beach.
Mid-range hotel that has pretensions of being something special. Get past the vaguely swanky foyer and you'll discover a dreary and tired affair. There's little reason why anyone would want to stay here with far better value surrounding it on all sides. Give it a miss.

7. Club Med Phuket, Kata Beach.
It's not that the resort is so bad, it's acceptable; it's just that the Club Med concept is so 'old hat' - and this vast complex dominates the entire stretch of beautiful Kata Beach. It seems that this is another case of too little being spent on a resort that has such a splendid location - but I guess that's why they get away with it.

8. Safari Beach Hotel, Patong Beach.
Close to the Bangla Road gogo bar zone, and totally overwhelmed by its seafood restaurant. I'll admit the restaurant does a roaring trade luring punters off the street. But I don't like the seafood and I don't like the hotel. Real 'cheap charlie' territory.

9. Mom Tri's Boathouse and Villa Royale.
The Boathouse has a great location and a lovely restaurant, but it's way too expensive for what it is. When I last checked, the rooms needed more than a renovation - they needed a total overhaul. And there's nothing "royal" about their overpriced Villa Royale suites. Sack the designer now!

10. Mangosteen Resort and Spa, Rawai Beach.
Whoever built this resort in the middle of the expat zone, with the nearest beach kilometres away, needs their head read. It's not an expat haunt, it's not a holiday paradise, it's not even suitable for business executives. This one falls badly between the cracks. And that's where it belongs.

Off to the Fat Farm

Of all the people one might expect to find on a health and wellness retreat, I must rank as one of the most unlikely. I am just not the type to fall for the marketing scam of the millennium: pay a fortune to not eat anything. That's like going to a cinema to stare at a blank screen. Or swimming in a pool without water.

Well, I have news for you. My dear friend Helen (from Joburg) and I are off to the fat farm. Yes, we are taking the plunge and have booked to spend a week at a health retreat on the island of Koh Samui in Thailand at the end of the month. But this is not your run-of-the-mill spa where you sip fruit juice and eat raw vegetables. Here you really starve and undergo colonic cleansing twice a day. To put it politely, nothing goes in and lots comes out!

How we will manage to survive for seven days without a slice of cheesecake, yet alone a rump steak and chips, is going to be very, very interesting. Apparently, they feed one all sorts of supplements and tablets that takes away the craving. And, in between all the massages, exercise sessions and consultations, you have little time for anything else. And you get very tired and irritable.

I'm nervous of the yoga classes - and am too scared to even think about the colonic irrigation sessions! I could end up crippled for life! Thank goodness Helen will be there to laugh along with me - and keep me on the straight and narrow. We have opted for the premium accommodation - a two-bedroom villa with private swimming pool. That should make it a little easier.

On the other hand, isn't it a shame that we will be stuck in a lovely villa on a gorgeous tropical island and not able to enjoy a delicious mango milkshake as we lounge by the pool. I have heard of people who sneaked out of this health farm at midnight and caught a taxi to the 24-hour Burger King on the other side of the island to stuff their faces. Isn't that just ridiculous? Who would even think of doing something like that....?

Helen, I know you have 100% faith in me, but it may be best if you sleep with the front door key under your pillow at night!


PS: I do not appear in any of the photographs on this page....

A chat in the smoking room

What would you do if a doctor told you that you only had six months to live? Every time I hear of a patient being handed a 'death sentence', I wonder how I would react in the same situation. I imagine most people believe they would go out and "have a ball", running up their credit cards and doing all the things they had only dreamt of doing. However, I have always suspected that the more likely reaction would be to rather focus on staying healthy and fighting the disease.

Well, I met someone facing a life-threatening disease last week. Strangely, we encountered each other in the smoking lounge of the Phuket airport, hardly the most medical environment. A middle-aged Thai man sitting opposite me looked up and asked me: "How much do you weigh?" Before I could even answer, he said: "Do you enjoy sex?" I was startled and wondered if the directness of the questions was because the man was speaking in a second language. Luckily, he never gave me a chance to answer before he launched off into his tale.

He said he had just returned from a trip to the new Venetian Resort in Macau. Describing how you can "go by boat to your room" and how lavish the suites were, he said that he had been gambling heavily recently. The week before he had been at the Genting Resort in Malaysia. "I've been there," I jumped in, but he rambled on about how many women he had bedded, how much he was drinking and what a time he was having. He said he was determined to spend as much of his wealth and enjoy himself as much as he could before he died.

He then pulled up his shirt and showed me a large scar running up his stomach and chest. He told me he had been diagnosed with cancer and had been given six months to live. He had undergone the operation in a bid to get rid of the cancer, but the surgeon found that it had already spread throughout his body. Now there was nothing they could do.

I was wondering how much of this story I could believe when he passed me his business card, explaining that he was the owner of one of the big Thai groups operating on the island. "If you want anything, give me a call," he said, and then ambled off. I was stunned. If it was true, why would he volunteer this information to a complete stranger. Through the glass wall of the smoking room, I saw him joining his family; a middle-aged woman I presumed was his wife and three young women, with two babies. Another man came into the smoking room and, almost bizarrely, pointed out the man who had just left and said: "He's one of the richest men on the island."

He and his family were seated in the business class cabin alongside me for our flight to Bangkok and then on to Chiang Mai. I couldn't help watching him and wondering about his life. Before the meal, he swallowed a handful of tablets. Then he insisted that a little girl of about four, probably his granddaughter, sit next to him. She curled up in a ball and fell asleep. He tucked a blanket around her and sat with his arm over her for the rest of the flight. He just sat there, gazing through the window.

On reflection, I guess the man was going through one of the stages that people go through in these situations: one is denial, others are anger and acceptance...I guess he might have been in the denial phase. One thing I do know is that no person is in a position to judge another in a case like this. If gambling away some of his fortune made him happy, so be it. Let him bed-hop and cut a swathe through every casino in Asia if it makes it easier to accept his doctor's verdict.

The whole episode gave me cause for reflection. What would I do if I was in the same situation? Go on a mad spending spree? Live it up in the best hotels? Return home to South Africa? Go wild in Thailand? And who would I want to be with? My nearest and dearest? My long-time friends?

Or would I prefer the company of those who know nothing about me? Like this man, would I end telling my story to strangers in airport smoking lounges? I wonder...

Shocking news at 4am

Few news events really shock me these days. You know, the type of news that make you sit up with a jolt and doubt that you have heard correctly. Well, this morning was such a moment. At about 4am I was busy working on my new blog featuring travel questions - www.peter-travel.blogspot.com - when I heard on the Fox channel that the CNN presenter Richard Quest had been arrested for drugs in New York's Central Park. My immediate reaction was: impossible! Had I heard correctly? Surely not? And at 3.40 in the morning (US time), with a packet of meths in his pocket - no, never!

The image of the freshly-scrubbed upper-class Brit did not fit with that of a junkie hanging around a public park at dawn. If he'd been bust with a line of cocaine in a posh upper East Side apartment, maybe, but this was too incredible to believe.

I made sure that it wasn't April 1, then switched to BBC World to listen to their news broadcast. After all, he used to work for them. Well, the news came and went without a mention. Unfortunately, I don't have CNN, so no chance of checking there.

Thank goodness for the Internet. I googled 'Richard Quest Arrest' and there it was..."found with methamphetamine in Central Park'. The report went on to say that he had already appeared before a judge and had been released after agreeing to undergo drug counselling and therapy for six months. Wow - that was quick! So, those night courts I have seen on TV are real...

Apparently the 46 year-old TV star was only stopped because he was violating the park's 1am curfew and he was being escorted out of the park when he confessed to the meths in his pocket. Well, there we are. Now we know why he always so jumpy and excitable when he appears on TV. I wonder if he'll hold onto his job after this.

UPDATE: 29 July 2008
LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - CNN reporter Richard Quest has returned to the cable news channel after a hiatus stemming from his drug arrest and court-ordered counseling, a spokesman for the Atlanta-based network said on Friday.

Quest, known for his boisterous and quirky reporting, returned to CNN International in late June and has been producing general news segments and working on the August edition of "CNN Business Traveler," the show he hosted before his arrest, said Nigel Pritchard, a spokesman for CNN.

"We're very pleased to have him back," Pritchard said.

Police stopped Quest, 46, in April for being in New York's Central Park past curfew, and they discovered a bag of methamphetamines on the British reporter. A judge ordered him to undergo six months of counseling in exchange for having the case dismissed.

Me and the Formula One star

Guess who's just moved into my neighbourhood... none other than Formula One racing ace Kimi Raikkonen. Yes, the reigning World Champ has bought a home down the road from me in Phuket - and who could blame him?

So, soon I will be throwing back a few beers with Kimi and the other guys, chatting away like old mates. Maybe he will let me have a spin in his Ferrari or ask me to drive him over to Krabi for the weekend. As a long-term expat, I can show him the ropes around here. I'm sure he will soon regard me as a fountain of knowledge and a good pal.

Well, maybe not. The 27 year-old Finn won't actually be living right next door to me. His home is certainly on the same road as mine, but about four kilometres down the drag. The area is known as Chalong, and it's on the southern tip of the island. However, unlike my one-bedroom townhouse facing the back of a bank, his stunning villa is right on the beachfront, with amazing views stretching as far as the Phi Phi Islands.

He made the purchase while he was in the region for the recent Malaysian Grand Prix. His new home is part of a high-end development known as Serenity Terraces, which features villas on the seafront with private swimming pools. Owners have the use of an 89ft 5-star luxury yacht, a speedboat, catamarans and kayaks, so the nearby islands are just a hop away. No-one is saying how much it cost, but the man from Finland probably paid around one million US dollars.

This is what he had to say: "I am really looking forward to enjoying the rare vacations away from the track in this hideaway beachfront community."

As he will be a valued member of the local community, I've done a bit of research about him. For one thing, he's loaded. When he switched from McLaren to Ferrari in 2007, he became the highest paid driver in the sport - and that means big, big, big bucks! So, he can pick up the tab when we have a few drinks at the Chalong Lighthouse or pop into the Amanpuri for dinner.

Apparently my new mate is very calm, cool, and calculating. That won't be a problem. Living in Thailand for a few years we have all had to pick up those traits - anyone who is not cool, calm and calculating will soon end up in the poorhouse or on a flight home. So, no personality clash there.

And I know that his nickname is "Iceman", which is subtly written on the side of his current helmet design. His other nicknames include Kimppa, Raikka and Kimster (used by his mechanics). I think I'll stick with Raikka.

I've also learnt that he loves to sleep - so much so that he needs to be woken up before qualifying and races. That's going to have to change -not even a racing driver would be able to sleep through the racket made when the longtailed boats roar into action outside his front door at 6am.

For the next few months, I am going to have to brush up on my Formula One knowledge and take off the earmuffs when a Grand Prix is on the TV. I will be able to chat away like a lifelong F1 fan. One thing I sure as hell won't tell him is that I was ardently supporting Lewis Hamilton for the Drivers Championship last year. Oh, no, from now on Kimi is my man.

10 things about Thailand you might not know

Thailand is more than just an amazing country; it never ceases to surprise. In that spirit here are 10 facts about the country you may not have known:

1. The Thai greeting "Sawatdee" was only invented during the Second World War. Prior to that people greeted each other by asking if they had eaten yet. (This is still commonly asked, but after the initial greeting).

2. According to the World Meteorological Organisation, Bangkok is the hottest city in the world. (I would have thought Dubai or Jeddah may have beaten it, but who am I to argue?)

3. Thai people do not call the capital Bangkok, they call it Krung Thep (city of angels).

4. The city's full name is "Krung Thep Mahanakhon Amon Rattanakosin Mahinthara Yuthaya Mahadilok Phop Noppharat Ratchathani Burirom Udomratchaniwet Mahasathan Amon Piman Awatan Sathit Sakkathattiya Witsanukam Prasit". That translates to "The city of angels, the great city, the eternal jewel city, the impregnable city of God Indra, the grand capital of the world endowed with nine precious gems, the happy city, abounding in an enormous Royal Palace that resembles the heavenly abode where reigns the reincarnated god, a city given by Indra and built by Vishnukam"

5. The gathering of more than one million people to celebrate the Thai King's 60th year on the throne on 9 June 2007 was the largest known public gathering in one place to celebrate a Royal event. (Eat your heart out, Buckingham Palace!)

6. Prior to 1913, most Thai people did not have surnames (now they have some of the world's longest!)

7. Thailand is the world's largest exporter of rice.

8. Thailand has never been colonised by a foreign power and always kept its independence, unlike its south and Southeast Asian neighbours.

9. You should never write the name of a person in red ink, unless they are dead or you want them dead!

10. Prostitution is illegal in Thailand. (Enough said!)

Smile for the camera

When you visit Thailand, don't be surprised by the number of teenage girls (and boys) you see with braces on their teeth. At some of the Bangkok malls, it will often seem as though every second youngster you pass has problem teeth. No, that's not it. And neither has there been an explosion of dental care.

No, what you are witnessing is the latest fashion trend. Those braces are fakes. Teens from the West often cringe when they are forced to wear the unsightly braces, but in Thailand they are a sign of affluence. Only rich parents take their kids off to orthodontists, so it became a sign that you were one of the privileged few.

No longer. With fake braces of all sizes, colours and design on sale everywhere from outdoor markets to trendy boutiques, it has become yet another fashion statement. And it makes it so much easier for those who really are forced to wear braces - no-one could possibly know.

The health authorities have been threatening to clamp down on those who manufacture the pseudo-dental gear, but the show goes on. The do-it-yourself kits come with red, pink, yellow, blue or multicoloured rubber bands to match the buyer's outfit or mood. You'd be hard-pressed to find a plain-coloured band in a Thai mouth.

In this trend-obsessed society, I wish I had the foresight to predict what will be the next hot product. I guess it will be something electronic, but it could just as easily be a pet rock or high-heel shoes made from wire. Once I find out, you will be the first to know.