Off to the Fat Farm

Of all the people one might expect to find on a health and wellness retreat, I must rank as one of the most unlikely. I am just not the type to fall for the marketing scam of the millennium: pay a fortune to not eat anything. That's like going to a cinema to stare at a blank screen. Or swimming in a pool without water.

Well, I have news for you. My dear friend Helen (from Joburg) and I are off to the fat farm. Yes, we are taking the plunge and have booked to spend a week at a health retreat on the island of Koh Samui in Thailand at the end of the month. But this is not your run-of-the-mill spa where you sip fruit juice and eat raw vegetables. Here you really starve and undergo colonic cleansing twice a day. To put it politely, nothing goes in and lots comes out!

How we will manage to survive for seven days without a slice of cheesecake, yet alone a rump steak and chips, is going to be very, very interesting. Apparently, they feed one all sorts of supplements and tablets that takes away the craving. And, in between all the massages, exercise sessions and consultations, you have little time for anything else. And you get very tired and irritable.

I'm nervous of the yoga classes - and am too scared to even think about the colonic irrigation sessions! I could end up crippled for life! Thank goodness Helen will be there to laugh along with me - and keep me on the straight and narrow. We have opted for the premium accommodation - a two-bedroom villa with private swimming pool. That should make it a little easier.

On the other hand, isn't it a shame that we will be stuck in a lovely villa on a gorgeous tropical island and not able to enjoy a delicious mango milkshake as we lounge by the pool. I have heard of people who sneaked out of this health farm at midnight and caught a taxi to the 24-hour Burger King on the other side of the island to stuff their faces. Isn't that just ridiculous? Who would even think of doing something like that....?

Helen, I know you have 100% faith in me, but it may be best if you sleep with the front door key under your pillow at night!


PS: I do not appear in any of the photographs on this page....

A chat in the smoking room

What would you do if a doctor told you that you only had six months to live? Every time I hear of a patient being handed a 'death sentence', I wonder how I would react in the same situation. I imagine most people believe they would go out and "have a ball", running up their credit cards and doing all the things they had only dreamt of doing. However, I have always suspected that the more likely reaction would be to rather focus on staying healthy and fighting the disease.

Well, I met someone facing a life-threatening disease last week. Strangely, we encountered each other in the smoking lounge of the Phuket airport, hardly the most medical environment. A middle-aged Thai man sitting opposite me looked up and asked me: "How much do you weigh?" Before I could even answer, he said: "Do you enjoy sex?" I was startled and wondered if the directness of the questions was because the man was speaking in a second language. Luckily, he never gave me a chance to answer before he launched off into his tale.

He said he had just returned from a trip to the new Venetian Resort in Macau. Describing how you can "go by boat to your room" and how lavish the suites were, he said that he had been gambling heavily recently. The week before he had been at the Genting Resort in Malaysia. "I've been there," I jumped in, but he rambled on about how many women he had bedded, how much he was drinking and what a time he was having. He said he was determined to spend as much of his wealth and enjoy himself as much as he could before he died.

He then pulled up his shirt and showed me a large scar running up his stomach and chest. He told me he had been diagnosed with cancer and had been given six months to live. He had undergone the operation in a bid to get rid of the cancer, but the surgeon found that it had already spread throughout his body. Now there was nothing they could do.

I was wondering how much of this story I could believe when he passed me his business card, explaining that he was the owner of one of the big Thai groups operating on the island. "If you want anything, give me a call," he said, and then ambled off. I was stunned. If it was true, why would he volunteer this information to a complete stranger. Through the glass wall of the smoking room, I saw him joining his family; a middle-aged woman I presumed was his wife and three young women, with two babies. Another man came into the smoking room and, almost bizarrely, pointed out the man who had just left and said: "He's one of the richest men on the island."

He and his family were seated in the business class cabin alongside me for our flight to Bangkok and then on to Chiang Mai. I couldn't help watching him and wondering about his life. Before the meal, he swallowed a handful of tablets. Then he insisted that a little girl of about four, probably his granddaughter, sit next to him. She curled up in a ball and fell asleep. He tucked a blanket around her and sat with his arm over her for the rest of the flight. He just sat there, gazing through the window.

On reflection, I guess the man was going through one of the stages that people go through in these situations: one is denial, others are anger and acceptance...I guess he might have been in the denial phase. One thing I do know is that no person is in a position to judge another in a case like this. If gambling away some of his fortune made him happy, so be it. Let him bed-hop and cut a swathe through every casino in Asia if it makes it easier to accept his doctor's verdict.

The whole episode gave me cause for reflection. What would I do if I was in the same situation? Go on a mad spending spree? Live it up in the best hotels? Return home to South Africa? Go wild in Thailand? And who would I want to be with? My nearest and dearest? My long-time friends?

Or would I prefer the company of those who know nothing about me? Like this man, would I end telling my story to strangers in airport smoking lounges? I wonder...

Shocking news at 4am

Few news events really shock me these days. You know, the type of news that make you sit up with a jolt and doubt that you have heard correctly. Well, this morning was such a moment. At about 4am I was busy working on my new blog featuring travel questions - www.peter-travel.blogspot.com - when I heard on the Fox channel that the CNN presenter Richard Quest had been arrested for drugs in New York's Central Park. My immediate reaction was: impossible! Had I heard correctly? Surely not? And at 3.40 in the morning (US time), with a packet of meths in his pocket - no, never!

The image of the freshly-scrubbed upper-class Brit did not fit with that of a junkie hanging around a public park at dawn. If he'd been bust with a line of cocaine in a posh upper East Side apartment, maybe, but this was too incredible to believe.

I made sure that it wasn't April 1, then switched to BBC World to listen to their news broadcast. After all, he used to work for them. Well, the news came and went without a mention. Unfortunately, I don't have CNN, so no chance of checking there.

Thank goodness for the Internet. I googled 'Richard Quest Arrest' and there it was..."found with methamphetamine in Central Park'. The report went on to say that he had already appeared before a judge and had been released after agreeing to undergo drug counselling and therapy for six months. Wow - that was quick! So, those night courts I have seen on TV are real...

Apparently the 46 year-old TV star was only stopped because he was violating the park's 1am curfew and he was being escorted out of the park when he confessed to the meths in his pocket. Well, there we are. Now we know why he always so jumpy and excitable when he appears on TV. I wonder if he'll hold onto his job after this.

UPDATE: 29 July 2008
LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - CNN reporter Richard Quest has returned to the cable news channel after a hiatus stemming from his drug arrest and court-ordered counseling, a spokesman for the Atlanta-based network said on Friday.

Quest, known for his boisterous and quirky reporting, returned to CNN International in late June and has been producing general news segments and working on the August edition of "CNN Business Traveler," the show he hosted before his arrest, said Nigel Pritchard, a spokesman for CNN.

"We're very pleased to have him back," Pritchard said.

Police stopped Quest, 46, in April for being in New York's Central Park past curfew, and they discovered a bag of methamphetamines on the British reporter. A judge ordered him to undergo six months of counseling in exchange for having the case dismissed.

Me and the Formula One star

Guess who's just moved into my neighbourhood... none other than Formula One racing ace Kimi Raikkonen. Yes, the reigning World Champ has bought a home down the road from me in Phuket - and who could blame him?

So, soon I will be throwing back a few beers with Kimi and the other guys, chatting away like old mates. Maybe he will let me have a spin in his Ferrari or ask me to drive him over to Krabi for the weekend. As a long-term expat, I can show him the ropes around here. I'm sure he will soon regard me as a fountain of knowledge and a good pal.

Well, maybe not. The 27 year-old Finn won't actually be living right next door to me. His home is certainly on the same road as mine, but about four kilometres down the drag. The area is known as Chalong, and it's on the southern tip of the island. However, unlike my one-bedroom townhouse facing the back of a bank, his stunning villa is right on the beachfront, with amazing views stretching as far as the Phi Phi Islands.

He made the purchase while he was in the region for the recent Malaysian Grand Prix. His new home is part of a high-end development known as Serenity Terraces, which features villas on the seafront with private swimming pools. Owners have the use of an 89ft 5-star luxury yacht, a speedboat, catamarans and kayaks, so the nearby islands are just a hop away. No-one is saying how much it cost, but the man from Finland probably paid around one million US dollars.

This is what he had to say: "I am really looking forward to enjoying the rare vacations away from the track in this hideaway beachfront community."

As he will be a valued member of the local community, I've done a bit of research about him. For one thing, he's loaded. When he switched from McLaren to Ferrari in 2007, he became the highest paid driver in the sport - and that means big, big, big bucks! So, he can pick up the tab when we have a few drinks at the Chalong Lighthouse or pop into the Amanpuri for dinner.

Apparently my new mate is very calm, cool, and calculating. That won't be a problem. Living in Thailand for a few years we have all had to pick up those traits - anyone who is not cool, calm and calculating will soon end up in the poorhouse or on a flight home. So, no personality clash there.

And I know that his nickname is "Iceman", which is subtly written on the side of his current helmet design. His other nicknames include Kimppa, Raikka and Kimster (used by his mechanics). I think I'll stick with Raikka.

I've also learnt that he loves to sleep - so much so that he needs to be woken up before qualifying and races. That's going to have to change -not even a racing driver would be able to sleep through the racket made when the longtailed boats roar into action outside his front door at 6am.

For the next few months, I am going to have to brush up on my Formula One knowledge and take off the earmuffs when a Grand Prix is on the TV. I will be able to chat away like a lifelong F1 fan. One thing I sure as hell won't tell him is that I was ardently supporting Lewis Hamilton for the Drivers Championship last year. Oh, no, from now on Kimi is my man.

10 things about Thailand you might not know

Thailand is more than just an amazing country; it never ceases to surprise. In that spirit here are 10 facts about the country you may not have known:

1. The Thai greeting "Sawatdee" was only invented during the Second World War. Prior to that people greeted each other by asking if they had eaten yet. (This is still commonly asked, but after the initial greeting).

2. According to the World Meteorological Organisation, Bangkok is the hottest city in the world. (I would have thought Dubai or Jeddah may have beaten it, but who am I to argue?)

3. Thai people do not call the capital Bangkok, they call it Krung Thep (city of angels).

4. The city's full name is "Krung Thep Mahanakhon Amon Rattanakosin Mahinthara Yuthaya Mahadilok Phop Noppharat Ratchathani Burirom Udomratchaniwet Mahasathan Amon Piman Awatan Sathit Sakkathattiya Witsanukam Prasit". That translates to "The city of angels, the great city, the eternal jewel city, the impregnable city of God Indra, the grand capital of the world endowed with nine precious gems, the happy city, abounding in an enormous Royal Palace that resembles the heavenly abode where reigns the reincarnated god, a city given by Indra and built by Vishnukam"

5. The gathering of more than one million people to celebrate the Thai King's 60th year on the throne on 9 June 2007 was the largest known public gathering in one place to celebrate a Royal event. (Eat your heart out, Buckingham Palace!)

6. Prior to 1913, most Thai people did not have surnames (now they have some of the world's longest!)

7. Thailand is the world's largest exporter of rice.

8. Thailand has never been colonised by a foreign power and always kept its independence, unlike its south and Southeast Asian neighbours.

9. You should never write the name of a person in red ink, unless they are dead or you want them dead!

10. Prostitution is illegal in Thailand. (Enough said!)

Smile for the camera

When you visit Thailand, don't be surprised by the number of teenage girls (and boys) you see with braces on their teeth. At some of the Bangkok malls, it will often seem as though every second youngster you pass has problem teeth. No, that's not it. And neither has there been an explosion of dental care.

No, what you are witnessing is the latest fashion trend. Those braces are fakes. Teens from the West often cringe when they are forced to wear the unsightly braces, but in Thailand they are a sign of affluence. Only rich parents take their kids off to orthodontists, so it became a sign that you were one of the privileged few.

No longer. With fake braces of all sizes, colours and design on sale everywhere from outdoor markets to trendy boutiques, it has become yet another fashion statement. And it makes it so much easier for those who really are forced to wear braces - no-one could possibly know.

The health authorities have been threatening to clamp down on those who manufacture the pseudo-dental gear, but the show goes on. The do-it-yourself kits come with red, pink, yellow, blue or multicoloured rubber bands to match the buyer's outfit or mood. You'd be hard-pressed to find a plain-coloured band in a Thai mouth.

In this trend-obsessed society, I wish I had the foresight to predict what will be the next hot product. I guess it will be something electronic, but it could just as easily be a pet rock or high-heel shoes made from wire. Once I find out, you will be the first to know.

The big green rip-off

So the tourism industry is going green. With eco-sensitivity all the rage these days, hotels and tour operators are jumping on the bandwagon to suggest they are "green-friendly". Well, that's all very laudable.

As a result, a number of eco-friendly resorts are springing up in Thailand, notably on the islands around Phuket. Their biggest claim is that only local materials are used in building their rustic villas and rooms. Yes, driftwood, sand and rocks are combined to give the resorts a home-made feel. Their brochures trumpet their green credentials, subliminally urging tourists to avoid their European-style competitors.

Now everyone here knows that the real expense in building an island resort is the cost of all the imported products, the fancy bathrooms, the tilework and the magnificent furnishings. So the "eco-local" outfits are saving a whole lot of money. That surely means that they can charge far less than the nasty luxury resorts using all the expensive imported goods. A fat chance! Check any one of them out and you'll discover that they are even more expensive!

And they will still have the cheek to ask you to save electricity (yipeee, a lower electricity bill) and to restrict the washing of towels (less work, less staff, lower pay). But they won't ask you to cut down on submitting your personal laundry at exhorbitant prices. Or to cut down on drinking Perrier or Evian water, which has used up god-knows-how-much fuel to be shipped across the globe. They'll be happy to offer local dishes using local ingredients served by local staff members getting local salaries, but certainly not at local prices. Oh, no, you'll pay a fortune and they'll even whack a 17% tax and service charge on top of that.

Now, if they really were committed to being eco-friendly, they would have their own rubbish disposal and water-rejuvenation plants. Oh, don't be silly - those things cost money. So, in most cases, the sewage flows straight into the sea...virtually under the noses of the guests happily sipping lemongrass tea or watermelon shakes (whooopee, those nice cheap local ingredients again!)

It's the same with airlines. They have been very keen to promote healthier flying. Their sage advice is:
- Drink only water during the flight (and avoid those pricey fine wines and spirits)
- Eat a salad or a light meal (and they can cut down on the lobster, fillet steak and creamy sauces)
- Exercise regularly during the flight (but no chance of giving you any more space or, horror of horrors, providing a fitness area on board).

So, the rule seems to be: The industry is committed to eco-friendly policies wherever they can save a bit of money. And if they can promote themselves as being totally green (while saving a whole whack of money), they can raise the prices. There seems to be no limit to what 'friends of the planet' will pay.

Isn't it a clever scam? Just wish I had thought of it first.

Buy your luck

How much does your vehicle number plate mean to you? If you're Thai, the numbers mean a great deal indeed. There are so many superstitions surrounding numbers that they auction off the most sought-after car registration plates each year. This year's event took place on Saturday 22 March in the ballroom of a Phuket Town hotel. A total of 310 plates went up for auction - and a staggering 14 million baht (R3,5 million) was raised. The proceeds go towards road maintenance.

The ballroom was packed with buyers, as the numbers were resented by attractive young women in revealing outfits. The alphanumeric plates for Phuket in 2008 begin with the two Thai letters ก (gor-gai) and ท (tor-tahaan), followed by strings of anywhere from one to four digits. This year's Thai letters, “กท”, are considered especially aspicious as the letters mean "double progress".

The most highly-sought after plates, for which opening bids were 50,000 baht, were numbers with the same digit four times in succession. As most bidders were keen believers in Chinese geomancy, the top bid, as expected, was for plate กท 9999. The winner was local hotel magnate Wanrak Likhidvong, with a high bid of 740,000 baht (R200,000).

The second highest bid, of 510,000 baht (R150,000), was placed by businessman Atthapan Poojaroen for กท 8888. All 301 plates on offer were snatched up by luck- and vanity-seeking bidders, with the lowest bid fetching 19,000 baht.

In Chinese culture, the lucky numbers are 4,8 and 9, with 9 the most prized. The unlucky numbers are 4, 5, 6, 7, with 4 deemed to be the most unlucky. (Some buildings avoid the number 4 in numbering their floors to avoid misfortune, so there will be no 4th floor, 14th floor, 24th floor, etc) Just for the record, my Phuket car registration number is 9208 (starts with 9, ends with 8 and adds up to 19...not bad at all). And to think it cost me nothing.

The flickers are going

I don't understand what has happened to my cellphone. Sometimes the print on the SMS messages and the phone number print is so small that I can barely read it. Or it just comes out blurry. The same goes for the pin code on the 'pay as you go' telephone cards. And the medical inserts that come with tablets. What the hell is going on?

The truth, my friends, is that the old flickers are starting to give in. Yes, the ravages of years behind a computer screen and squinting into the midday sun are having an effect. Isn't it terrible? Here I am, barely out of my teens (well, only three decades on), and my eyes are giving up the ghost.

I remember my grandfather giving me a hard time about the print size in the Sunday Times. "Why the hell did you change it," he would mutter. "Its not like it used to be. It used to be readable, but now its so damn small," he would grumble. The same went for our elecution. " Stop mumbling," he would say, "Speak up, I can't hear what you are saying!"

Oh, the creeping years play ugly games on the unsuspecting. When I finally confessed about my dimming flickers to some of the closest allies, they all quietly admitted the same affliction. So, now when I read a book in bed, or have to type out an SMS, out come a pair of miniscule glasses. They are not prescription ones (the horror!), but just a cheap pair that one can buy in pharmacies.

They were given to me by my friend Gary Timm, who teaches in Taiwan, He had a spare pair on him and generously handed them over. Says he has a few pairs dotted around the house (suppose he can't spot them easily at night, so he's probably worse off than me!)

So, if you happen to spot me donning a pair of specs one day, please don't laugh. Don't say a thing. Just pretend I am still the sprightly young thing that could easily spot a stray Quality Street sweet under the Christmas tree at midnight or a slither of biltong from 40 metres away.

But if you absolutely have to mention it, please be kind. Be gentle, like the young child who said of a balding man: "Look dad, that man has got a lot of face." Now, that's what they refer to in the East as 'saving face'. And we all need a little bit of it sometimes.

Bangkok's celebrity couple

Meet Thailand's number one celebrity couple - tennis star Paradorn Srichapan, 29, and Miss Universe 2005 Natalie Glebova, 26. Paradorn's tennis career may have hit a slump, but he's still Thailand's most adored sports star. Over the years he has romanced a string of the country's most beautiful women - models, actresses and singers. All the beauties ended up with broken hearts as they failed to capture the handsome athlete.

Roll forward to 2005. Thailand hosts the Miss Universe competition and the winner is a Canadian beauty of Russian descent, Natalie Glebova. A popular choice, she announces that she adores Thailand. A few months later she appears at the Thailand Tennis Open on behalf of one of her sponsors, Singha Beer. Congratulating Paradorn on his victory in the quarter finals, she pecks him on the cheek.

And the country goes wild. All the gossip columns start speculating: Could she be the one? It seems inconceivable that a foreigner has scooped up the country's most eligible bachelor, the dashing hero in every Thai girl's dreams. But, seeing Natalie won the Miss Universe title in Thailand, she is almost half-Thai, isn't she? The reports flow in: Natalie has moved to live in Thailand, the couple are seen hand-in-hand at a nightclub, they go on holiday to Bali together, she is seen with his parents, etc, etc. The rumour mill goes wild when she is spotted with an enormous diamond ring.

Is it an engagement ring? Has she really won him over? The answer is announced at a press conference at the five-star Sukhothai Hotel in April last year. His proud parents - who reportedly put an end to an earlier romance with Thailand's singing sensation Tata Young - appear with the couple. And to prove just how they value their new daughter in law, they unveil to the hundreds - yes, hundreds - of reporters (and live TV coverage) that the family have given her the Thai name Piangfah and the nickname Fah.

But, even more importantly, they lay out their gifts to the former beauty queen, a diamond necklace and earings worth a staggering 13 million baht (about R3,5 million). The cameras go wild....and Thailand's gasps with admiration. This is the real proof that she has done it.

The couple were duly married at Bangkok's most expensive hotel, the Oriental (where else) and they remain way out on top of the country's celebrity A-list. She continues her publicity work for Singha beer and together they have been promoting a new upmarket Bangkok housing development. Says Paradorn: "This feels right. We share the same passions and really understand each other." And who said fairytales don't come true...

* Watch the wedding video on You Tube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rk0jLZkvEuM), with comments in Thai by a Bangkok ladyboy, who is a leading fashion fundi.

Get ready for air rage

It had to happen. No longer are we going to be safe from the scourge of cellphones in the sky; Emirates airline has announced that it will allow passengers to use their mobile phones during flights. Can you imagine it? An aircraft has been the last bastion of freedom from the annoying "ear-rings" that people can't seem to spend a minute without.

And, of course, you know where the cellphone addict will be sitting on the plane? Yes, right next to me. And when this 'pain in the ear' is not chatting away, screaming with laughter at jokes I cannot hear, they will be sending SMS's or testing out their ring tones. Now that can REALLY drive one mad!

The first call was made on Thursday 13 March 2008 on a flight from Dubai to Casablanca. The airlines says that the response has been very enthusiastic. I'll bet it is, but only from the damn cellphone addicts. Of course, people have been able to make calls from seat phones for years, but having to swipe a credit card across the handset before each call has a dampening effect on callers. No such luck with cellphones, I'm afraid.

The airline says that only five or six calls will be allowed at any one time (how the hell will they do that?) and passengers will be encouraged to switch their phones to silent / vibrate mode when used in the aircraft (oh, yeah...)

Do Emirates, the overly-innovative airline from the Middle East, realise what they are doing? By facilitating the world's first inflight mobile telephone service, they have opened the door to a new breed of air rage. Drinks will tossed over callers, air bags shoved over their heads and some even smothered with miniature pillows.

Don't believe me? Well, consider this survey that was done among airline passengers to find out the three things that would annoy them most during a flight. Unsurprisingly, 67% of passengers claimed that the use of cellphones would be a huge irritant and believed it would be even worse than sitting next to a smelly, over-amorous or obnoxious passenger.

Here is what passengers said they would find most irritating:
78% The person behind knocking your seat
69% The person infront reclining their seat
67% Mobile phone use during a flight
53% Smelly passengers
18% Obnoxious passengers
10% Passengers leaving the toilets in a mess
3% Other passengers music/games
1% Overly chatty passengers
1% Overly amorous passengers

So, enjoy your flights for the next few months. And, when you finally board a "cellphone-abled" fllight and feel air rage building up, don't do anything stupid. Find something to relax you...or give me a call.

Fool's Gold

Many men come to Thailand to find the girl of their dreams. On their first visit, they can't believe the wonderworld they find themselves in. The Thai girls are extremely beautiful - believe me when I say that photographs do not do them justice. And they are among the kindest, sweetest, gentlest people on the globe.

However, as the man is bound to discover on successive visits, the chances of meeting a mate for life in a gogo bar, massage parlour or a karaoke bar are extremely slim. If the man is in it for a bit of fun and is happy to reward his 'girlfriend' handsomely, it is a match made in heaven for an hour, a week or even a few months. But if he is looking for love, he is stepping into a minefield.

Of course, there are exceptions. First, let me state the obvious - but it's worth stating; the vast, vast majority of Thai women are not looking for foreign husbands or lovers. They wouldn't dream of hitching up with one, especially not for money. The second point - and just as obvious - is that there are many foreigners who marry Thai women, have children and live happily ever after.

But let's just say that in the tourist bar zones this is not the norm. Lovely Nong or Ping is out to make some money, and she is happy to share her time with a kind-hearted stranger. And, if she been in the bars for more than a few years, she will have picked up a few 'tricks of the trade' to boost her earnings.

The stories are legendary and are documented in a number of books on the topic. They all have the same basic theme - silly middle-aged foreigner falls for beautiful young Thai girl, spends all his money on her and then she bids him a not-so-tearful farewell (or he runs for the hills before his money runs out). The faster she can get him to part with the money, the quicker she can move on to the next gullible loveseeker.

Here are some of the phrases that will inevitably crop up during the course of this love tryst (with the truth in brackets):
- I no mobile phone. I want phone you everytime. You can buy me one? (= If it's an expensive model, I'll keep it and give mine to my brother)

- I sad, mamma very sick. She go hospital. You can help me? (= My Thai boyfriend needs money to pay gambling debts)

- I no go out to disco. All my friend have gold. I no gold. I shy. (= Pay up, darling. No money, no honey)

- I go hospital and have good news. We have baby. (= Let's hope he believes this one. Will he get all cuddly or pay up and run?)

- Please send money. I no work bar anymore. I only go with you. (I already have four men sending me money, but five is better)

- We can go look shopping centre. I like look people. ( = I love shopping when a rich foreigner is paying)

- My brother have problem with police. You can help, pleeeez. (= My boyfriend has been gambling again)

- I no like Thai man. He drink too much, want money, no good. (= I don't like foreigners, they drink too much and never give enough money)

- I must go temple, pray Buddha (My boyfriend wants to see me)

I could go on and on, but the point of all this is to be able to recount the scene I observed on Patong beach a while back. A 40-something foreigner (who looked like a banker) was arguing with his 20-something Thai girlfriend (who looked like an angel) on the beach lounger next to me. The dispute was about love and money, the only two things that really count, of course.

"You no love me, you think I love you money and gold. You no understand. I love you. I not love gold." She pointed to the shiny necklace, bracelet and rings on her fingers. Unfortunately, the jaded lover seemed immune to the outburst and I could see this affair was headed for the rocks.

Then she did the unimaginable. She took off her jewellery, walked to the water's edge and tossed it all into the sea. "You see, I no care gold. I care you," she screamed, bursting into tears. The horrified lover seemed shell-shocked, but then took her into his arms and began calming her down.

I was anything but calm. The jewellery must have been worth at least 50,000 baht (1,500 US dollars). I ordered my Thai friends to rush into the sea and get their hands on the discarded booty. But they remained unmoved. "Relax," they said, patting me as if I was a young child. I was about to head for the waves myself, when one knelt down and explained the situation: "That not gold, she not put gold in sea, she put copy. She keep gold in room."

The penny dropped. Clever little Nong had simply replaced all her gold jewellery with cheap copies on sale in the street markets. Then she had engineered the scene on the beach so that she could make the ultimate sacrifice - throw away her gold jewellery to prove her love for her 'handsome man'.

I don't need to tell you what happened next. Yes, our handsome man managed to stem the flow of tears with a solemn promise to replace all the jewellery she had lost. A smile broke through the tears: "We go shop, okay. Thank you, thank you. You very good man."

And that's how clever little Nong managed to double her gold holdings - and extend the romance - during one afternoon's work on the beach. Amazing, amazing Thailand.

The grandest hotel in the world

I have seen many grand hotels in my time - the Savoy in London, the Plaza in New York, Raffles in Singapore, the Lost City at Sun City, the Venetian in Las Vegas....but nothing prepared me for the splendour I found in Chiang Mai, Thailand.

The Mandarin Oriental Dhara Dhevi Hotel was built by a Thai businessman in a bid to recreate and preserve the best of Thai architecture. What he created, costing a fortune, is the most splendid, lavish hotel I have ever had the pleasure of visiting. Built around a rice paddy on the outskirts of this charming city in northern Thailand, it is truly beyond description.

I had the opportunity to have lunch there with my friends, Charmain Naidoo, visiting from Port Elizabeth, and Tanit Pinisirodom, who owns a guesthouse in Phuket. We dined at the Lanna Grand restaurant, a restaurant located in a teak mansion just outside the main gate to the hotel. Most people never get a chance to go beyond the gates, but Tanit had arranged through a hotel contact that we be allowed to visit.

We were transported around in two horse-drawn carriages, and while we were not allowed to go inside any of the rooms, what we did get to see was truly awesome. The hotel is spread over huge grounds, but, like all really good hotels, manages to retain an intimacy, reinforced by the friendly greetings from all the staff.

I hope you get a feel of the hotel from these pics. Otherwise take a look at hotel's website. It does not fully convey the opulence of the place. The only way to grasp this is to stay there. I am confident that one day I will booking into a villa there. The price is not really that bad, with rooms starting from 16,000 baht, that's around 500 US dollars.

Charmain has promised to take me there when she comes into her millions one day (and I am sure she will). Otherwise, will one of you please win the lottery and then join me at the Mandarin Oriental for a few days of leisure and pleasure. Of course, the bill will be yours.

A surprise from the past

I often look at the plots of novels and wonder how on earth they dreamt up such unlikely tales. But, of course, life is often stranger than fiction. My life, and that of my family, recently took a strange and unexpected turn which is worthy of a novel.

A man from the Eastern Cape contacted me by email in Thailand and asked me whether I was the same Peter Malherbe who lived in Komga and had a sister named Jacqueline. He said he would like to communicate with me. I replied immediately saying this was indeed the same person who once marched through the hallowed halls of Komga Secondary School.

Then came the news. The man said he believed that my sister was his birth mother and that he was given up for adoption on birth. He had been adopted by a loving family and was now a married church pastor. All he wanted was more information about his mother and possibly a photograph of her.

He was born in June 1977, which makes him 30 years old. And it means that my sister, Jackie, was 19 at the time of his birth. She passed away two years later. At the time I would have been in the army, and I had absolutely no idea that she had been pregnant. Neither did my brothers. Our parents had kept it from us.

It was the strangest feeling communicating with a family member that I never knew existed. I wonder if he looks like Jackie? He will meet with my family shortly and he will get a picture of his mom. I am glad that he was able to contact us and that we are able to tell him about his mother. He seems to be a really nice guy and I am sure Jackie would have been very proud of him.

I had actually heard about the case about 10 years ago, when I was contacted by a social welfare worker who made some queries around this possibilty, but had not given further details and there was no contact.

A strange aside is that our family comes from a long line of religious ministers, and my dad preached in the Methodist Church. With my brothers and I choosing other careers, it seemed as though this tradition had ended. Well, now we know that it hasn't, really. Jackie's son is a preacher.

I hope that I will be able to meet him when I am back in South Africa on holiday. It may sound odd, but it's a rather nice feeling that some part of Jackie lives on in her son. Isn't life strange?