Lust in the Library

Don't ask the people of Phuket about their compatriots from Nakhon Sri Thammarat, a provincial city about three hours travel away. They will mutter under their breath about 'dark skins' and then, inevitably, spit out the word: mafia. Yes, the good folk of 'Nakhon' have a rather very poor reputation among their island brothers.

Apparently, it harks back to the days when settlers from the less wealthy Nakhon moved to Phuket in a bid to get a slice of the tourist dollar. The people of Phuket were not that charmed at accommodating the financial desires of their brothers from the mainland. But the Nakhon heavyweights were not going anywhere, so they banded together to ensure their survival. Thus their reputation of being a little thuggish was cemented in the minds of the locals. They took over small sectors of the Phuket economy and everybody settled down again.

These days it's a little hard to tell who's from Nakhon as dark-skinned Thais from all over the country have descended on the island. But they are still around: and their reputation lingers.

However, it seems that while the seamier side of Phuket has quietened down under the onslaught of families and wealthy couples, things have been swinging back home. Two recent reports in the Thai media suggest that NST may not be a quiet backwater.

First came the tale of lewd goings-on in the local library. Apparently lustful teenage couples have been 'doing their thing' between the rows of books. It came to a head on February 1 when parents held a meeting calling on the authorities to take action. One parent, who works opposite the library, testified that he often saw students, aged 13 to 15, courting at the library and then engaging in sex. They were often still dressed - or partly dressed - in their school uniforms.

Said the outraged man, Khun Witthaya: “I and other parents have seen children openly engaging in sexual intercourse – with no shame whatsoever. We were embarrassed to see it and had to take a detour round it.”

A 55 year-old worker at the libary said that the horny youths were in fierce competition with each other to grab the best spots on the second floor of the library. They showed no regard for people visiting the library for study purposes. "Staff have warned the youths about their behavior many times, but staff can’t be at all points in the building at all times," said one librarian.

As a result, the furniture and lighting has been re-arranged to make the second floor less attractive as a love nest and truancy officers will be on the lookout for copulating couples. Half-dressed offenders will be dragged home to their parents and reported to the school authorities.

The second report casts a dark shadow over Nakhon's temple, Wat Suan Pam. Apparently three monks there were using their dormitory as a makeshift disco over the weekends. News of the temple disco leaked when neighbours told the police that they had seen monks leading a number of young girls into the temple late at night.

The police sprang into action. At first all they could find was a funeral wake, which was taking place at the temple. Then they heard some noise from the direction of the sleeping quarters - the distinct thump of techno music. Peeping through a crack in the door, a wide-eyed cop spotted three young monks and three young girls The police pounced. The girls dived onto the bed in a bid to hide, but the drunk monks could only stumble around.

The cell was set up like a mini-karaoke bar with a coloured lightings system, speakers, a VCD player with microphone, a computer and eight X-rated movies. The officers counted 13 beer bottles and two wine coolers. Clearly a fun time was being had.

Unfortunately the young monks - one aged 21 and the others 18 - were immediately defrocked by the abbot. Two girls, aged 15 and 18, were handed over to their parents, while a 20-year-old was photographed for police records.

So, if things get any more exciting in NST, the hefty taxi drivers and moneylenders from Nakhon now living in Phuket may well be tempted back home. It certainly sounds more exciting than island life.

Hello Sri Lanka

I am writing this on the island of Sri Lanka, formerly known as Ceylon, the land of lush tea plantations, Dutch forts and untouched tropical beaches. And, yes, I am aware that there's a civil war going on. I have read the travel warnings about visiting the country. A day after I arrived there was a bomb down the road in the capital, Colombo and there are roadblocks everywhere. But it's still reasonably safe for visitors. The Sri Lankan government and the Tamil Tigers have been battling away for more than two decades, so it hardly makes sense to delay a trip to the country because of civil unrest.

For those who know South Africa, Sri Lanka reminds me of the KwaZulu Natal North Coast: not Umhlanga with its luxury holiday homes and genteel society, but more like Tongaat and Stanger. It's bustling and busy and hot and humid.

The tourist industry has suffered as a result of the violence (and the tsunami three years ago), but it still lures adventurous holidaymakers and those who prefer an un-packaged destination. And, believe it or not, I find this one of the most peaceful places on earth. It's my second visit to this lovely country and both times I have been overcome by a feeling of total calm and inner peace. I know it sounds almost mystical, but there is something about Sri Lanka that touches me deep down in my soul.

A guide book I read described Sri Lanka is a gentler, kinder version of India. Well, I have never been to India, but this is enough of an assault on the senses. There's not much prettiness around. Buildings are ramshackle, the cars battle and wheeze their way down clogged roads and the smells and signs of poverty are everywhere. But, despite it all, it is all rather charming in a faded colonial sort of way. And I feel totally at home.

Once again, I am staying in a magnificent guesthouse in Negombo, which is an extraordinary refuge from the streets outside. Behind high walls lies a world of five-star service and stunning design. From the airconditioned comfort of my bedroom I look out over a shimmering swimming pool, with palm trees and a hammock gently swaying in the wind.

Each day I set off for a stroll down to the beach. As I tramp along the sandy road, I pass houses in various states of disrepair, tiny shops packed with cheap trinkets and an open-air snooker hall, where everyone stops playing to say hello. It's that kind of place. The restaurants on the main road may look rundown and even grotty at times, but everyone is friendly, the prices are dirt cheap and the fare surprisingly delicious.

My favourite spot is Le Dolce Vita, which is a rather grand name for a 'pastry and tea' shop attached to a one-star boarding house. But the owner is a friendly chap, the food fresh and tasty and the view of the beach is great. The park at the end of the beach is where one finds all the action. With very few tourists, most of the swimmers are Sri Lankan and the facilities cater for them. A steam train (made entirely from old coke cans) provides children's rides on a small circular track, a pony stands idle awaiting customers and a rickety old pick-up advertises Elephant - Sri Lanka's Finest Ice Cream. I have a cone (well, two) for only 10 rupees and am finally coerced by a disabled vendor into buying a silver necklace for 500, that's five dollars.

There's little to do at night, so I tend to head for bed early and get a long night's rest. In the morning I know there's a slap-up breakfast waiting for me: a cup of the finest Ceylon tea, bacon and eggs, a basket of toast and a platter of freshly cut fruit. What a way to start the day.

Good morning, lovely Sri Lanka.

Fried Chicken with Herpes

I celebrated my 49th birthday in Krabi with my friend But and his family. At the last minute, I had an extra companion for the trip. Fred Hagemann from Johannesburg had mixed up his flight details - and ended up with an extra day's holiday! So he came along for the ride and then left on his flight to South Africa via Singapore the next day.

Krabi is situated on the mainland of Thailand, across the bay from Phuket. Although it's not too far by boat or as the crow flies, it takes about 2-3 hours by road. We rolled into town in my pick-up and checked into the City Hotel in Krabi Town. We usually stay in Ao Nang, which is a holiday resort about 15kms from Krabi Town. While Ao Nang is very touristy, with hundreds of resorts, restaurants and bars, Krabi Town is a rather sleepy provincial town only frequented by Thai families and backpackers, lured by the low rates.

At this time of the year Ao Nang is horribly overpriced, as the Scandanavians and Germans swarm in. The resort where I usually stay for 1000 baht a night costs 3800 baht over this period. A good hotel will cost around 200 US dollars right now. In contrast, the neat and friendly City Hotel will only set you back 750 or 900 baht, really good value. And as it is located opposite the night market and only a half-block from river promenade, it's right in the centre of all the action there is.

I loved it. Most of the action takes place on the pavement outside the hotel. Sitting on the steps of the 7-Eleven store next to the entrance one can spend hours watching the locals come and go. Two shops down is a 24-hour liquor store, used by all the karoake bars and pubs to stock up as the night progresses. Everyone is very friendly and the market across the road has everything you could possibly need in terms of food, drink and cheap clothing. And all of this comes at incredibly low 'local' prices.

That night we went to dinner at a Thai restaurant on the outskirts of the town. What an amazing place. We sat outside in a garden setting, with fountains, bridges and palm trees. Checking out the menu, we came across an amazing dish - fried chicken with herpes! Fred and I were hysterical, finally deciding that the herpes meant herbs.

One often finds funny translations on English signs in Thailand. However, my favourite one represents a misunderstanding more than a mistake. Someone obviously had the idea to take advantage of the trend towards everything eco-friendly with their brand of bottled water. However, the name they chose, GREEN WATER, failed to boost sales.

While we were there, Fred and I did our "eco-friendly" bit with a boat ride down the river which runs through Krabi. It is flanked by a huge mangrove forest and with huge limestone cliffs surrounding the town, is a spectacular sight. However, at one point he took us into the forest, where we were surrounded by trees. Suddenly we noticed the monkeys - hundreds of them, with the most evil looks on their faces. The boatmen threw out a few bananas for them to squabble over, but they never stopped staring at us with the fiercest-looking eyes and twitching mouths. It was a terrifying sight and I was most relieved to leave them behind.

So, it was "Happy Birthday to Peter" in lovely Krabi. Next year I will be 50 - so you can expect a big, big party.... I am busy planning. Watch this space.

Love on an elephant

If you think Valentine's Day is a western tradition, you haven't checked out Thailand. Oh, yes, February 14 is big, big business in this corner of south-east Asia. Every possible trinket and fluffy toy symbolising love goes on sale as the Thai people rush to profess their love. Pop into a 7-Eleven store for a packet of ice and you're bound to leave with a little bear in a glass jar covered in flashing hearts. Or a bottle of Chivas Regal packaged in a neon pink box with two glasses engraved with a kissing couple.

Nothing is too kitsch. Millions and millions of pink and white balloons will be strung up across the entrances to bars and restaurants. Little teddy bears will adorn key rings, motor-bikes and dressing tables, silk flowers will be on sale everywhere (they last longer) and the amount of red ribbon used on the day would easily be enough to tie a bow around the globe.

And for those ready to tie the knot, this is the day of choice. All the marriage licensing offices get into the act, with special certificates and momentoes handed out to the blushing newlyweds, who will have queued for hours.

So, it shouldn't surprise one that the tourist authorities have jumped onto the bandwagon. The big tourist centres like Bangkok, Phuket and Chiang Mai will be swamped with giggling couples and their credit cards, but the more 'out of the way' places are bidding for their slice of the pie.

Take the Surin province. Its only claim to fame is an abundance of elephants. That's no problem - who could resist the opportunity to take their marriage vows while seated on a swaying jumbo? Can you imagine it? For one, there's the indignity of trying to scramble aboard in wedding regalia - and then there's always the chance that the tusker could let rip with some noisy and smelly activities at the crucial moment. I know the elephant handlers are skilled, but can they explain to the ellie that it should stand still for 20 minutes or so and resist the temptation to let nature takes its course? And what if it decides that this is the moment to rub itself up against the nearest tree trunk?

But there will be many takers. As long as the happy couple can emerge with a pretty photograph or two, it will have been worth all the farting and fuss.

If you really want excitement, head for the province of Trang, which is in the southern part of Thailand. Here you can tie the knot underwater. And, unbelievably, its very, very popular. The authorities have to restrict the number of wet-suited lovers ready to say their vows through muffled mouthpieces and bubbles. The bride and groom have to be qualified divers, but less-skilled guests can resort to peering down from boats bobbing on the surface. Or they can snorkel above the ceremony for a birds' eye view.

It almost sounds romantic, but the chances of something going wrong is too high for my liking. Especially when one removes the mouthpieces for that first kiss. It would be very sad to end up having your honeymoon in a hyperbaric chamber!

No, I think it's far safer to do the conventional thing. I prefer my bubbles to come in a glass and my elephant to be fluffy pink and wrapped in cellophane. A sunset picnic on the beach sounds like a far better bet.

Sail away in style

'The real beauty of Phuket is in the sea around it,' an old expat told me when I first came to the island. And he was partly right. Phuket is beautiful in its own right, but the islands dotted around the Andaman Sea are truly breath-taking.

I have long dreamt of chartering my own boat for a few days and setting sail, stopping off in idyllic bays to snorkel and swim. The boat would be an old fashioned schooner, but fitted out with all the modcons. There would be huge, comfortable double bed, a fully-stocked bar with loads of ice and a barbecue grill on board.

I would have a crew to run the boat and serve me whatever my heart desired. Days would be spent relaxing on deck or exploring new coves and deserted beaches. Evenings would be for lying on the deck and staring at the stars or paddling ashore to hang out at a beach bar. What a life that would be!

Well, I have discovered that my dream is not beyond reach. While I was on the beach the other day I saw the boat of my dreams glide by. A suntanned couple standing in the bow of the boat waved at me with a smug smile on their faces. Lucky bastards, I thought. Luckily, I had the presence of mind to jot down the name of this extraordinary boat. The next day, back at work, I started finding out how I could lay my hands on it. As luck would have it, the boat can be chartered for trips around Phuket and beyond. It sleeps six people comfortably (with more on the deck) and, believe it or not, even has a 10-seater jacuzzi.

The boat is named the Merdeka. A traditional Indonesian Phinisi vessel, it has seven sails and a diesel-powered engine. It comes with a Thai captain and two crew members, plus an optional masseuse. There are two double cabins with aircon, two bunk beds and two bathrooms. A huge deck not only accommodates the jacuzzi, but also has loads of space to lie out under the sun or stars. What more could one want?

There's only one little problem. It's not that cheap. Not too expensive, mind you, but still an extravagance. Out of season (May-Nov), the boat costs 510 Euros per day (that's R5100) and in peak, peak season, that rises to 800 Euros per day (thats R8000). However, that does include the crew, all running costs and three meals a day with unlimited coffee, tea, water and soft drink. You bring along your own booze (by the case, I would guess!) and you are also provided with an inflatable dinghy and all snorkelling equipment.

I've planned my trip already. It will last four days and three nights, Day One will be spent in the Phang-Nga Bay area, Day Two along the coast of Krabi and Day Three checking out the Phi Phi Islands. On Day Four, I will sail back to Phuket, all tanned and relaxed and handsome. I am sure I can swing a discount, but the rough cost works out at around 100 Euros per person per day (that's R1000 a day). That's with five people on board. Anyone interested? Would be fun, wouldn't it?

The monk and the massage lady

Blackmail is not unknown in the Land of Smiles, but the startling case involving an 82 year-old monk has got the nation chattering away. This was no ordinary temple monk, but an abbot at Wat Sainoi in Nothaburi, the most revered temple official in the province. And, of course, the matter had something to do with sex.

According to the local papers, an official from the Department of Civil Aviation approached the abbot on 26 December. The abbot would have thought nothing of the polite wai (greeting) offered, as he is used to dealing with high-ranking politicians and government officials.

But the aviation commander wasn't there to seek a blessing or offer a donation to the temple. Rather, he had something to sell, a video casette disc (VCD). And, at four million baht (R900,000), it wasn't going cheap. The official claimed the VCD showed the abbot in the throes of passion with a middle-aged woman. As monks are forbidden for fornicating, this would make the tape rather valuable in the wrong hands.

The commander was quick to explain that he was not involved in taping the incident. Rather, he had come across someone selling the VCD in the town and, in a desire to protect the good name of the abbot, had bought it for four million baht.

Of course, he was now seeking to be recompensed by the temple.

After the abbot called the temple director to assist him with the negotiations, the aviator decided to lower his price to two million baht. Suspecting blackmail, the temple director decided, perhaps somewhat short-sightedly considering the material on the VCD, to call the local police station.

When the cops arrived, the aviator tried to escape in his car, but he was caught. After questioning, the police released him with the promise of more questioning later, but held onto the VCD as evidence.

Of course, the police have viewed the recording very carefully. And word is that it does indeed show the elderly monk having sex with a middle-aged woman in his room at the temple.
The 20-minute VCD apparently begins with the woman hiding the camera with a view of the bedding in the unsuspecting abbot’s room and then sitting waiting for the man to arrive. After a 10-minute massage, she removes her clothes and they have sex.

Police believe the woman's massage techniques were such that they suspect she is a professional and they are scouring local massage parlours to find her. They will be performing thorough searches, I am sure.

The aviator has been charged with blackmail and should appear in court soon. The monk is also likely to face disciplinary measures from the temple, as those who have watched the tape say that he did not appear to be drugged and was participating fully in the sex romp. At 82 years old, that's quite a feat.

No copies of the tape are yet available on the black market in Pattaya or around Patpong in Bangkok. I'll keep you posted.

Bars go silent

Thailand's nightlife has gone quiet in the peak of the holiday season following the death of a prominent member of the Thai Royal Family. A 15-day ban on "entertainment noise" has been implemented by the Thai government in the wake of the death of HRH Princess Galyani Vadhana, the sister of King Bhumibol Adulyadej.

Bars, restaurants and nightclubs have been asked not to stage any live music performances or use any sound systems until January 17. The venues are allowed to trade as normal, but without any music or entertainment. Any bar or club that contravenes the ban could be blacklisted by the authorities. The ban on music includes festivities planned for Children's Day on January 12.

Princess Galyani, who was 84 years old, passed away in the Siriraj Hospital in Bangkok in the early hours of January 3. She had been receiving treatment for cancer.

UPDATE: Everything was quiet for one night, but music is now being played in nearly all bars, albeit at a lower volume. I think the original ban was aimed at official functions, not commercial operations, and may have been misinterpreted by overzealous officials. With the music turned down, everyone saves face.

Somtam and sex

We have all heard the stories of foreigners who end up living in rural villages with their Thai brides. Most settle in Isaan, the poorest part of Thailand, where many of the workers in the 'entertainment' industry come from. Here's the scenario: Elderly farang (foreign) man falls in love with young Thai lady in bar, she takes him home to meet her family, he presents gifts to 'mamma' and drinks whisky with pappa and it is decided that the farang will build the family a house and settle in the country. She will be close to her family, he will save money on expensive condo rental in Pattaya or Bangkok and everyone will live happily ever after.

Well, not always. Many sad tales have emerged of how the farangs have ended up penniless after being fleeced by wily villagers or how they become disgruntled alcoholics, full of regret for how their lives had changed for the worse. The often-hilarious stories of how farang men fall for sexy Thai women are well documented in countless books, such as No Money No Honey or Private Dancer. However, what is less known is what affect these strange farang have on the women they marry and communities they settle in.

Research into the impact of cross-culutral marriages by Khon Kaen University has come up with some interesting findings. (source: The Nation 17 Nov, 2006) More than 200 Thai woman married to foreigners were interviewed in Khon Kaen, Udon Thani and Roi Et and it was found that traditional Thai food was being replaced by Western staples such as hamburgers and pizzas as the women adopted their husbands culture.

While it is often the cry of the farangs that they are "forced" to eat Thai food all the time, the study revealed that Thai wives happily switched to fast foods and European dishes as a symbol of their adjustment to Western culture. Northeastern food, such as the very popular papaya salad known as 'somtam', had gradually disappeared from their diet. As their husbands found it harder to adjust to local food and it was easier to cook once for the whole family, Western food gradually took over.

The survey also found that the wives preferred celebrating Western holidays like Christmas and Valentine's Day compared to traditional Thai holidays such as Songkran and Loy Krathong. Maybe the fact that the Thai ceremonies involve presenting gifts to the temple or making merit, while the Western holidays involve receiving gifts!

The head of the study, Asst Prof Supawatanakorn Wongtha-nawasu of the university's Faculty of Nursing, said foreign son-in-laws had caused the community-oriented Northeasterners to become more individualistic and give less attention to social interaction. Wives tried to adjust by becoming "farang" rather than helping their husbands to be more 'Thai'. Thai culture in these families was thus overshadowed by Western culture, with the families' own consent, due to the pride of having foreign sons-in-law, she said.

"In some Khon Kaen villages, with dozens of women marrying farangs, Christmas Day is no different from the movies with real traditional Christmas celebrations, while many Northeastern festivals were forgotten," the academic said.

The study found that most Northeastern Thai women married to foreigners were over 30, with an average age of 35, and had education below secondary level. Most wives saw their cross-cultural marriage as turning over a new leaf. The average age of farang husbands was 50, and most came from Germany, Britain and Scandinavia. A fourth of those over 60 had brought their retirement funds to settle down with Thai wives who gave them a sex life and took care of them. Most had an income of around 1500 US dollars a month, but most of their wives didn't know their husband's work or educational background. The wives were mainly interested in whether their husbands had enough money to support the family.

The study also found that Isaan families whose members had married foreigners had changed their views on choosing spouses. From the traditional practice of parents choosing spouses for their children, the decision is now made by the individual and is based mainly on economic security. Some women agreed to marry foreigners they had never met before the wedding day as they felt that if the man had money, the villagers would eventually accept and respect them.

With the obvious increase in wealth of wives married to farang, due to their husbands' financial support, some 90 per cent of residents surveyed said they wanted their daughters to marry foreigners, Supawatanakorn said. Some girls told the researchers they were prepared to fly overseas to marry a foreigner when they grew up. Cross-cultural marriages were also supported by the older generation as these couples took care of their own children instead of placing the burden on the grandparents, or could afford nannies.

Somehow, it all seems rather sad that the traditional Thai way of life is being influenced by those who seem to have very little culture in the first place. Believe me, these men are not introducing great literature or classical music to those in the villages they move into!

So, the next time you hear the 'sad' saga of how a paunchy, middle-aged farang had to put up with his moneygrabbing wife and her family, spare a thought for the family that had to put up with him! Without taking time to look in the mirror or think about why even their friends avoid them, some of these men think they are God's gift to their beautiful Thai brides. When they moan about how they had to move out of the home they built because life was intolerable, say a silent prayer that at least the woman got a house out of it. With the old bore out of the way, they can throw out the pictures of Swiss mountains and cuckoo clocks and happily return to a life of somtam and Songkran.

Watch your step

There are few more beautiful places in the world than Phi Phi Island about 50kms off the coast of Phuket. With its golden beaches, huge limestone cliffs and dense jungle, it is the stuff of picture postcards. And there's no better place to celebrate the New Year than at one of the island's great beach bars and restaurants.

No so for an American tourist, whose New Year festivities came to a tragic end this year. As he was wending his way back to his bungalow after partying at a bar, the man stopped to relieve himself on the edge of a rocky outcrop. Unfortunately, he lost his balance and fell to his death on the rocks below. He had suffered five broken ribs, one of which punctured a lung.

The body of Michael Schwartz, 64, was found at 6am by police. It was wedged between two rocks under a Bodhi tree. The bluff from which he fell is known by the Thais as hin lek fai (stone, iron and fire) because of the large boulders at its base. Phi Phi residents are superstitious at the best of times, so the untimely death of another tourist will only add to the number of spirits they believe roam the island. In fact, the name Phi Phi means "Island of Ghosts".

I have been to Phi Phi many times (and had my fair share of drinks there), but in the future I will think twice before I empty my bladder just anywhere. A ghost could be watching.

Taking a break

I am taking a break from my computer for a week, so there won't be any updates. I am in Chiang Mai admiring the mountains, relishing the cool night air, whooping it up in the bars and sleeeeeeping late every morning. Heaven!

I will be back in the New Year with a few tales to tell. Best Christmas wishes and a happy new year to you all.

Thinking of Granny

Tomorrow is a big day on the Muslim calendar, the festival of Eid, so my friend But and his family are all gathering at the family home in Krabi province. But one person will be missing when they tuck into a meal of barbecued lamb and enjoy the day together. Granny is still in Saudi Arabia on her pilgrimage to Mecca.

Tonight I watched the events at Mecca on television and, once again, I was struck by what an adventure this old lady from a small village in Thailand has embarked on. The logistics of this annual meeting are staggering: three million people, accommodated in 440,000 tents and all following the same daily programme. Can you imagine what it takes just to get the food and drink organised to cater for all? And what about toilet facilities and bathrooms? It's mind-boggling.

Apparently, the number of pilgrims this year has been limited by the Saudi authorities, a difficult thing to do bearing in mind that it is the aim of all Muslims to get to Mecca at least once in their lifetime. How they do it is place a limit on the number of visitors from any one country, based on the number of Muslims living in that country. As a result, the biggest contingent comes from Indonesia.

The group from Thailand, a heavily Buddhist country, is probably not that big, but I was glad to learn that the various nationalities all stay together. At least Granny will be able to chat away in Thai and be understood. I dare say she won't be taking her daily stroll out into the countryside. Imagine trying to track down your tent in that vast canvas city!

I wonder how she is coping. Do they get Thai food there? Is it very hot? Do they have to walk everywhere or is there transport for the elderly? There has been no word from her and the family will only discover how it went when she arrives back home in a week or so. I am sure that I would feel out of my depth in such an enormous crowd, so I can only imagine what it has been like for her.

I spoke to But today and I asked him if the family was worried about her getting lost or feeling lonely. "No," he said emphatically, " She has tour guide."

Although he appears unconcerned, I know that there will be a collective sigh of relief from the family when Granny shuffles out of the customs hall at Phuket Airport. Her trip of a lifetime will be over and she will have many tales to tell. However, I am sure she will be thrilled to be back in her little house in a Phang Nga village. After all, there's just no place like home.

UPDATE: Granny arrived back on January 15 and all the family traipsed out to the airport to greet her. She reported that she had "the best time of her life" and would go back "any time". She was in great health and high spirits. And to think that we worried that she would be out of her depth in Saudi Arabia! Now she is back in her village in Phang Nga, no doubt regaling the locals with stories from the desert land.

Remembering the tsunami

As the sun sets on the beach on Wednesday, 100,000 candles will be lit on Patong Beach to remember those who died in the tsunami three years ago. For two hours, the bars will turn down their music, the vendors will lay down their wares and the people will silently honour those who died.

It's amazing to think that three years have already passed since the wave came crashing down on December 26, 2004. The memory of the devastation and loss of life is with us every day. Life certainly goes on, and the physical damage to the island's resorts have long been repaired. But for many, the pain lingers. With the sea being such a central focus of life on Phuket, you simply cannot forget.

This week relatives of those who died have been arriving in Phuket for the commemoration services. Judging by previous years, the services will be sombre and sad. At Patong Beach, 108 Buddhist monks will lead a service on the beach at 10am, the time the tsunami struck. This will be followed by the candle lighting ceremony in the evening.

At Khoa Lak resort on the mainland, about 90 minutes drive from Phuket, the ceremonies will be presided over by Her Royal Highness Princess Ubol Ratana Rajakanya, who lost a son in the disaster. Candles will be lit and 5,395 lanterns will be released into the sky in honour of the same number of people who died in the disaster there. The ceremonies will include five faiths: Buddhist, Christian, Muslim, Sikh and Hindu.

For many of the hundreds of thousands of holidaymakers in Phuket this high season, it will be the first time they are confronted with the reality of that traumatic day. Looking at the packed beaches and the tranquil sea every day, it seems almost inconceivable that it could have happened. But it did - and it should provide a reminder that one's life can be taken away in a moment. Let's hope it is a wake-up call to all of us that we should always live life to the full. It doesn't last forever.

Life's a beach!

You haven't lived until you have rested your weary body on a sandy beach in Thailand for a coconut oil body massage. Believe me, it is the experience of a lifetime. Could there be anything better? You lie on a thin foam mattress in the shade, looking out over the beach while all your aches and pains slowly dissipate. As you idly watch yachts bobbing in the bay and the small waves lapping on the sand, you discover what heaven feels like.

I can still clearly remember my first beach massage. I had arrived in Phuket only a few hours earlier and made a beeline for the beach. Ever since a friend had told me about "the most wonderful massage" she had on the sand, I had been looking forward to this. And it had certainly lived up to expectations. The Thai massage ladies - and a few men - sit in the shade of trees alongside most of Thailand's tourists beaches. Hand-written signs advertise the price - usually about 250 or 300 baht (that's R50-R60) for an hour.

The lady I chanced upon was one of a group of three operating on one corner of Patong Beach. All of them were uncharacteristically plump - which is what drew me to them in the first place. I couldn't imagine any of the tiny Thai ladies struggling to batter my enormous frame into shape. As they massaged away, the three of them chatted away. At intervals, their friends arrived to chat and pick up on the news of the day, helping themselves to dishes of rice and chicken of which the ladies appeared to have an endless supply.

As I drifted in and out of sleep, I wondered what nasty things they might be saying about this big"farang" (foreigner). But I got to know the masseur, Nong, over the years and realised she was one of the nicest people I could have wished to meet. "Welcome, big man Africa!" she would yell when she spotted me coming along the beachfront. If I didn't have money on me, she would beckon me to lie down: "No problem, you pay next time."

A beach massage is one of the attractions that sets Thailand's glorious beaches apart from competitors. Here there's much more to going to the beach in Phuket than just settling down to a day in the sun. It's a total experience and one that I ached for when I leave these shores and head elsewhere.

Let me tell you a little about the beach culture here. When you arrive, you choose your spot and hire a deckchair. There are thousands of them along the beach. Along with the deckchair (very comfy with a foam mattress), you get an umbrella and a side table. If you're a smoker, you'll get an ashtray. The "beach boy" then sweeps any sand off the deckchair with a little broom and lays out your towel for you.

For this service there is a flat fee of 100 baht per day (about R22). For the rest of the day, he will be your loyal servant. If you want a drink, he will fetch it. Feel like something to eat? He'll get it, even running off to KFC or McDonalds down the road if that tickles your taste buds. A newspaper? No problem. He'll keep an eye on your possessions and you pay your bill at the end of the day. So civilised, so safe, so fabulous.

The culture of service is something you have to get used to. On my first few visits, I thought it was too good to be true. But it's true - the beach people are genuinely nice.

As you lie in the shade of your umbrella, there will be a passing parade of vendors, selling anything from gaudy t-shirts and sarongs to pineapple slices and temporary tattoos. It's not really a hard sell, it's more like having a market march right past you throughout the day. If you show interest, you'll be drawn into a lengthy negotiation. If you don't feel like a commercial duel, you need to keep your eyes firmly off the merchandise being offered. Don't even glimpse at what is being waved inches from your nose. A polite "no thanks" or, in Thai, "My Ow", and a firm shake of the head will usually send them on their way.

If you want to avoid the sales pitch altogether, avoid the front row of deckchairs. They are strictly for first-timers; those that don't know their way around. The further back you sit, the less likely you are to be bothered. That's because the "old hands" know the best place to be is in the back row. From that vantage point you can survey all the interesting goings-on and characters. And, believe me, anything is possible on Patong Beach.

If it all gets too much, you can head off into the water - the wonderfully warm Andaman Sea. As you relax in the gentle waves, you realise why so many people are drawn to these waters year after year. And when you've had enough of that, the massage ladies will be waiting for you in the shade. That's where you are likely to find me. I just can't resist.