You haven't lived until you have rested your weary body on a sandy beach in Thailand for a coconut oil body massage. Believe me, it is the experience of a lifetime. Could there be anything better? You lie on a thin foam mattress in the shade, looking out over the beach while all your aches and pains slowly dissipate. As you idly watch yachts bobbing in the bay and the small waves lapping on the sand, you discover what heaven feels like.I can still clearly remember my first beach massage. I had arrived in Phuket only a few hours earlier and made a beeline for the beach. Ever since a friend had told me about "the most wonderful massage" she had on the sand, I had been looking forward to this. And it had certainly lived up to expectations. The Thai massage ladies - and a few men - sit in the shade of trees alongside most of Thailand's tourists beaches. Hand-written signs advertise the price - usually about 250 or 300 baht (that's R50-R60) for an hour.
The lady I chanced upon was one of a group of three operating on one corner of Patong Beach. All of them were uncharacteristically plump - which is what drew me to them in the first place. I couldn't imagine any of the tiny Thai ladies struggling to batter my enormous frame into shape. As they massaged away, the three of them chatted away. At intervals, their friends arrived to chat and pick up on the news of the day, helping themselves to dishes of rice and chicken of which the ladies appeared to have an endless supply.As I drifted in and out of sleep, I wondered what nasty things they might be saying about this big"farang" (foreigner). But I got to know the masseur, Nong, over the years and realised she was one of the nicest people I could have wished to meet. "Welcome, big man Africa!" she would yell when she spotted me coming along the beachfront. If I didn't have money on me, she would beckon me to lie down: "No problem, you pay next time."
A beach massage is one of the attractions that sets Thailand's glorious beaches apart from competitors. Here there's much more to going to the beach in Phuket than just settling down to a day in the sun. It's a total experience and one that I ached for when I leave these shores and head elsewhere.Let me tell you a little about the beach culture here. When you arrive, you choose your spot and hire a deckchair. There are thousands of them along the beach. Along with the deckchair (very comfy with a foam mattress), you get an umbrella and a side table. If you're a smoker, you'll get an ashtray. The "beach boy" then sweeps any sand off the deckchair with a little broom and lays out your towel for you.
For this service there is a flat fee of 100 baht per day (about R22). For the rest of the day, he will be your loyal servant. If you want a drink, he will fetch it. Feel like something to eat? He'll get it, even running off to KFC or McDonalds down the road if that tickles your taste buds. A newspaper? No problem. He'll keep an eye on your possessions and you pay your bill at the end of the day. So civilised, so safe, so fabulous.The culture of service is something you have to get used to. On my first few visits, I thought it was too good to be true. But it's true - the beach people are genuinely nice.
As you lie in the shade of your umbrella, there will be a passing parade of vendors, selling anything from gaudy t-shirts and sarongs to pineapple slices and temporary tattoos. It's not really a hard sell, it's more like having a market march right past you throughout the day. If you show interest, you'll be drawn into a lengthy negotiation. If you don't feel like a commercial duel, you need to keep your eyes firmly off the merchandise being offered. Don't even glimpse at what is being waved inches from your nose. A polite "no thanks" or, in Thai, "My Ow", and a firm shake of the head will usually send them on their way.
If you want to avoid the sales pitch altogether, avoid the front row of deckchairs. They are strictly for first-timers; those that don't know their way around. The further back you sit, the less likely you are to be bothered. That's because the "old hands" know the best place to be is in the back row. From that vantage point you can survey all the interesting goings-on and characters. And, believe me, anything is possible on Patong Beach.
If it all gets too much, you can head off into the water - the wonderfully warm Andaman Sea. As you relax in the gentle waves, you realise why so many people are drawn to these waters year after year. And when you've had enough of that, the massage ladies will be waiting for you in the shade. That's where you are likely to find me. I just can't resist.
